Graphic / Triggering - Nobody will reply to this

[Littlelostlamb]

Oh god. Someone please help me.

I'm going through psychotherapy and its ****ing with my head.

I don't know whats real anymore. I feel like I'm insane. I live in a weird dreamworld and I can't survive in the real world. I am so scared. Nobody understands.

I don't know what I think about anything. I don't know what I feel. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like and what I don't. I am ****ed up. I've got rid of half my friends on facebook and blocked loads of bad people from my past. I am ashamed of myself. I want to hide. I have no energy to do anything except lay on the sofa. I am cold. Cold blood runs through my veins. I have enemies. I have urges to cut the skin off my face. I can't sleep, can't live through the day without psychiatric meds.

Who am I? I know the name they gave me, but I feel no identity attached to it. Who is that person in the mirror? Am I nice or horrible? Ugly or pretty? Am I evil?

I want to feel something tangible. I feel the cotton on the bedsheets, the velvety petals of the flowers. But all this is meaningless. I am caught up in a world where being thin is everything, going out to bars is good and enjoying gardening is bad. I don't like alcohol, I just like to stay at home. Therefore, I am a social leper. I am scared of my friends. Are they on my side? I don't know. Do they really care? I don't know.

Everything is sad to me. A sunset, the clouds, my fiance's face. Everything is beautifully melancholy. Is there an escape from this? I am a prisoner of my own making? Am I imprisoning myself? Am I really crazy or am I making myself crazy?

Where do I want to live? Who do I want in my life? The only two people I know for sure are my fiance and my sister.

I came face to face with my ex yesterday. He was 2 inches away from me. I got a shock. Its like seeing my murderer.

I know what you'll read when you see this. What a nutjob. I'm just scared. Is there anyone there?

I'm a good person deep down. But whats real? I don't know. Who am I?

[Cacoethes]

im sorry i dont have any answers.
nobody knows what the future holds.
all you can do is live for today and hope you make the right choices.
sorry im a bit useless.
be safe x

[Lucius.]

If the therapy is messing with your head, you really need to stop going to the sessions, sweetheart. Have you tried going to a normal counsellor instead?

I certainly don't think you're insane. Does your fiance know you're suffering this much?

Also I don't like drinking either, and I understand how people seem to look at you funny for saying that, but you're much better than them.

I wish you the best of luck, sweetheart *cuddles*

[Littlelostlamb]

I don't know if therapy is supposed to break me down like this, but I feel like someone has smashed my brain into a thousand pieces.

[Lucius.]

No, it is. Have you spoken to your therapist about it?

[Littlelostlamb]

I told her last session that I was feeling awful. She just sits there and I talk, and I find no resolution to any of the spaghetti in my brain. I end up feeling like a psychopath.

[Lucius.]

As I said, maybe you should consider another therapy? Psychotherapy certainly isn't for everyone.

[Littlelostlamb]

I'll ring my CPN on Monday and talk to her. Its really doing me in. I seriously feel like I've gone insane and should be in a hospital.

[Lucius.]

Good luck with CPN, sweetheart =]

You are certainly not insane. The therapy has clearly had a negative impact on your mind, so you're bound to feel a little unstable.

[Littlelostlamb]

Thanks lovely. x