and it hurts like hell.
She was fine before Christmas, then started to get diarrhoea. So we went to the vet and got some antibiotics, that was about 2 weeks ago. But she didn't get any better.
So I took her to the vet on Tuesday this week and they did an x ray. There was a lump of something in her intestine, they didn't know what it was. So they said she should be operated on to find out what it was, and if it was a tumour then she should be put down there and then, or if it was a blockage then they could fix it. So I booked her in for Monday.
But on Wednesday, the day after we went to the vet, she went downhill really quickly. She didn't eat anything, and got really spindly on her back legs in the evening, not being able to walk. I was planning to take her back to the vet again on Friday/Saturday when I saw that, and put her on a pillow and a blanket in the living room while I went to bed.
5 and a half hours later my alarm went off, so I got up and went to find her. She had moved into the spare room, and climbed into a box.
I picked her up, she meowed at me, snuggled close when I held her, and then she took about half a dozen loud breaths.
And then went all floppy, couldn't hold her head up.
And then she just died.
Her heart stopped and she died.
That was yesterday morning, and I don't think I've stopped sobbing since. I cleaned her up a bit, held her for a long time, and then put her in the cat basket and took her to the vet. I haven't got anywhere to bury her, my Mum and Dad wouldn't like that in their garden, so they've cremated her.
And I feel so guilty - I should have taken her to the vet quicker, I should have been there with her every day until she was well, I should have arranged the op on an earlier day etc. But I don't know whether that would have changed anything. The lump in her stomach was quite big so it was unlikely to be a blockage.
But however much I try and justify my actions - my lively, gorgeous puddy cat has died and I can't get her back.
She was the youngest of three - I still have her mum and older sister, but they are also melancholy, she and her sister used to play with each other, chasing each other round the place, playing with the toys etc. So her sis doesn't know what to do, her mum has gone round here looking for her, and I don't want to look at places she used to lie in, or anything that has her fur over it. Which is a lot of stuff.
So I've been doing some washing, blankets and stuff, thrown away some things (the kaolin syringe they gave me to give her, the oral syringe I used to help her eat (she had stopped doing that on Monday), the baby rice/porridge I had bought for her on the vet's recommendation etc.) but I still don't know what to do.
I can't figure out how much food to put down for two of them, I don't know what to do for her sis to make her feel better, or her mum. I don't know how to stop sobbing. I don't want to come home, because she's not here, but I want to come home to be here for the others. And because there's still so much of her here too.
I can't look at my phone, I have pictures of her on there, I can't look at the photos on my home computer or work one, there are photos of her there too. I can't look at the cans of tuna I have in the cupboard, that was her favourite treat, just the sound of the can opener got her galloping across the garden (communal) or through the flat to get to it, and the can opener made me sob earlier too. A photo of the three of them is my user pic on facebook so I quickly got off there earlier, and I wanted to start selling stuff on ebay, but her name is part of my user name, so can't even think of doing that for a while.
I was due into work on Thursday from 7am, but called in to say I was going to be late and why. So when I turned up at 10:30 the office supervisors took me in to a small office and gave me a hug each, which was nice. But then they asked me if I was okay.
Which started me off again. I think I managed to get to a desk about 30 minutes later. As long as someone didn't ask me if I was okay, I was okay - well okay in as much as it feels that I left my heart at the vet with my cat.
I know all the stuff - she's not suffering, she's not in pain, etc etc. But I want my cat back! And I want her the way she was just 3 weeks ago - when she was running around here in the middle of the night, leaping on her sister, sleeping with me under the duvet, squeaking at me when I was washing up (she didn't like the sound of running water), chattering at birds etc.
She was my baby (I know she was a cat, but I have no kids, no partner etc.) and I've said before I don't what I'd do without them. Now I have to find out what to do now with just the two and it feels horrible.
Loz
