Triggering (SI/Suicide) - ask me how i am today - or not!

miss_kitty · 23-01-2009, 05:13 AM

one of the things i really hate about me is my complete inability to answer the question "how are you?" with anything other than "ok" or "fine" whether i am feeling fantastic or distraught. its even dafter, cus i am normally a really honest person (even when lies would be kinder or more profitable)... i may try to obfuscate or sidetrack but ask me a direct question and you get a direct answer (though that answer could be "i can't tell you without breaking someone elses confidentiality).

i think that i learned manners in the same way i learned other facts, so its the correct answer;
what is 2+2? 4
when is your birthday? april 15th
how are you today? ok, thanks

[aside: iTunes just started playing "i don't want talk about it". i'm listening to my music on shuffle, and thats the 2nd time today the soundtrack has fitted with my post]

one thing i can do as a reply is "ok" *pause* "well acually no, thats wrong, i'm nowhere near ok" but i feel really stupid correcting myself like that.

i know i need to be honest to my mum and my CPN, but i am also deterred by the fact that honesty may well lead me to either the hospital, or my mum's house.
whilst i admit that being on my own may not be great, i don't want to go away from my computer, and my central heating, and my books, and my clothes, and my popcorn maker, and my home entertainment system,

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggery

really i gotta say something, cus i am vey not good right now.

ok, gonna see my CPN tomorrow, i will try to say something to him, and if i don't i will 'phone my mum and tell her. i promise that i will.
(alongside my honesty i don't make promises that there is a a greater than 1% chance of my breaking)

Pomegranate · 23-01-2009, 05:22 AM

I know it is hard but please be honest. They are there to help you, they won't think any less of you fore being truthful x

airwolf282 · 23-01-2009, 08:54 AM

*Hugs to you babe*

Have you thought about the option of staying in hospital until you are feeling safer and not telling her? I mean she would probably want to know and no doubt cares very much for you but I know what it's like not wanting to bother others with my own problems. It wouldn't have to be forever, just until you're safe. You could also talk to your own doctor who may be able to help. They would be able to get you on some medication and refer you to therapy that would help get rid those horrible feelings. Just because you're seriously depressed at the moment doesn't mean you have to give up your independence and go back to living with your mum.

I hope this helps you hun.

Nathan xo

dark_light · 23-01-2009, 11:15 AM

Hope you manage to be honest, i know its hard so hard. I'm the queen of saying 'i'm ok' or 'fine'. its just easier i think but it doesn't really get us anywhere does it?
Maybe you need to get away from those things for a bit, hard as that will be, for you to be safe.
Hope it goes ok with your cpn x

ravynsoul · 23-01-2009, 12:59 PM

Try and be as honest as you can to your CPN... maybe print this and show them? It's hard answering "how are you?".. I think I lie to that question most of the time.. but when you can be honest, it's better.

Let us know how things went today.

miss_kitty · 24-01-2009, 02:16 AM

**thank you for relpies and hugs**

i hardly got to see my cpn after all; he booked a room a week ago for us to meet at my gp's surgery than arrived to find the building locked, and then was told all the staff were needed for a meeting or training or something, so they couldn't let us in. we had a brief conflab in the carpark though, and i told him i was feeling bad but no details. he is going to come to my house on tuesday to talk more.

after getting home i considered calling him for a crisis team referal in case i need them over the weekend, but i wasn't sure i really do need that for a variety of reasons. i figured i could always self-refer if things got really bad and i felt they could help. that or a&e (the one good thing about having been on a section 3 is that a&e can't turn you away because they don't believe your problems are worth their time).

i spoke to my mum briefly on the phone, and i said i wasn't all that great but i'd get through tonight, and we are meeting up tomororrow anyway. i think she knows enough to ask the right questions, and not to be fobbed off by a 'fine'.

on the negative side, i am still feeling pretty rotten and having suicidal thoughts and making preparations. i have decided i am going to get through this week though, as i have a 'scrabble night' planned for wednesday, and my best friend is coming accross to see me on thursday. i'm not sure if that decision is good or bad - bad because i know setting dates is risky, but good because its not now, and it shows that i do think something is worth living for, for at least a little longer.

Rain Keeper · 24-01-2009, 02:20 AM

*hugs*

ravynsoul · 26-01-2009, 12:29 AM

*offers hugs* how are you doing now? how did the weekend go?