There once was a tiger-striped cat. This cat died a million deaths, revived & lived a million lives, and he was owned by various people who he really didn't care for. The cat wasn't afraid to die. Then one day the cat became a stray cat which meant he was free. He met a white female cat & the two of them spent their days together happily. Well, years passed & the white cat grew weak & died of old age. The tiger-striped cat cried a million times, & then he died too. Except this time, he didn't come back to life.
I've not been able to sleep for 3 days now, when I sleep, I have the same recurring nightmare. I become enamoured with a girl. I won't tell you it all..today, as it's very late, and I'm tired..again. Regardless, this is how it goes:
I'm sitting on a bench in a beautiful park. Surrounded by flowers and nature. She comes and sits next to me, and holds my hand. We talk about everything that happened between us, and walk through a field. She never lets go of my hand and It feels like euphoria. Like it's worth living. And in an instant, she's gone. I hear her screaming, and she's vanished, and all that's left is a note saying "You are the worst thing that ever happened to me"
Then I wake up.
I don't have any friends in real life, and I'm reaching that age where it's getting too late to make any more. I can't relate to people at university, and it's hard to talk to anyone on my course.
I don't know what sort of answers I'm looking for here, I just need somewhere to vent my frustrations I guess. She lived some far away place when we met, and things happened, and she ended up with a very close friend of mine. I was already on anti anxiety pills, so I had to cut all contact. I receive a text from a buddy saying he was with her in the next city over (Manchester). Since then, I haven't been able to sleep, and my anxiety and depression are coming back again.
That was a sad story.
I wonder, do you think your anxiety increased after cutting all ctc? It almost sounds like it did. But i am on the outside looking in...maybe i see it different. Have you thought of having ctc with her? Or is that too hard/too scary?
Not sure what else to say, just...I heard you and you have a friend if you want one OK? It isn't too late.
PM anytime ok?
thinking of you
romp
Firstly Zeromus, it's never ever too late to start making new friends :)
Secondly, imho I believe although everything hurts right now, its really best to stay away from her. It WILL get easier...PROMISE!!! The old cliche "time is the greatest healer" really is true..right now it feels like your world has fallen apart but you'll meet other girls & one day someone that really deserves you. One day you'll be able to be friends with her - maybe, just not right now. You need to deal with your feelings & move on & I dont think seeing her will help you. Hang in there sweetie xx
I just want to say that there is still plenty of hope for you. I checked your profile and you're only 19. I never even had one date til I was 20 and yet I was married before I turned 22. I know it hurts badly when someone you loves walks away from you, and it must be even harder when they are with someone who is supposed to be a friend of yours. Where I come from, mates don't do that to each other, it's only my opinion but if I were in your shoes I would never speak to the pair of them again. It hurts too much to see her and your friend has betrayed you. It's not all doom and gloom though, I promise you. There is someone out there better for you, who will treat you even better and not go running off with a friend.
But for now it's time for you to look after you. I think you should see your doctor about the insomnia and depression and that. Anti anxiety meds are alright in short term use but can become addictive. Some anti depressants may help with the anxiety as well as the depression and insomnia so it's definately worth asking the doctor these questions.
You can make friends and as long as you're still breathing, it isn't too late. Do you have any hobbies or other interests? There are great community groups for that sort of thing and it's a good way to meet new people and you already have the advantage of sharing similar interests. Is there anything at your university you can join? I know it's hard to make friends when you're shy and feeling down after all that's happened so maybe the doctor can prescribe meds or refer you to counselling and you will start feeling better.
You can PM me anytime you want to talk about things.
take care,
Nathan
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
Apologies for the lateness of my reply, I have been busy.
The workload from University has been quite a lot at the moment, and things haven't been ideal. I was meant to be moving in with a girl I know at university next year, but she went ahead and signed the lease with some other people, so now I have nobody to stay with next year, and I'm staying at home. I'm sleeping a lot better now though, which is nice. I still have some bad dreams about her every now and again, and I wake up almost in a cold sweat, but things have been worse.
A very close friend of mine has been slipping down a bad path with self abuse at the moment, cutting and drinking, and it's getting me pretty upset. I don't know what to say to him anymore, because he's getting worse by the day and not letting me help him.
To summarize, life is difficult :)
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
I'm having a really bad panic attack now, I spoke to the friend of mine for the first time in a few weeks, and he's telling me how he's been spending most of his time with her, and that made my anxiety go haywire.
Now he's speaking really unlike himself, calling me by my first name and being hell uncharacteristic.
I think they're there together, cause he's talking a lot like she used to, and when I confronted "he" went silent.
I'm freaking out here, shaking violently and breathing erratically.
I'm scared.
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
What I might do. This is the first time I spoke to him since I got the message they were in town together, and he spoke very unlike himself after admitting they have been spending a lot of time together.
My anxiety and OCD are getting very bad, and I'm getting really nervous, I'm shaking violently. I'm positive she is there, "he" is speaking a lot like she used to, many elipssis, ending in conjunctives, speaking my first name, which he NEVER has after knowing him for 4 years.
There's nobody else here and I can't calm myself down. My internet friends are trying to calm me down now, but I can't stop thinking.
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
that must be quite hard on you; i'm sorry I don't have much words... but one thing I try to do when I am anxious [and it often works] is visualize a water slowly covering my body and bringing peace with it... e.g. that it starts at my toes and slowly and soothingly climbs higher and takes the negative energy from me... don't know if things like that help you... but keep posting as much as you are able.. i'm listening
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I'm talking to friends I know online now and they are calming me down, but it sort of puts things into perspective.
If I got this panicced over THINKING I might be talking to her online, what would I be like if I saw her around town? Would I be able to pull off my overconfidence that I have in real life when I need to confront things? Or would I just have an insane reaction like tonight.
It's frightening.
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
But you're aware of it now; which means you can work on how you would react in such a situation... perhaps once you're feeling a bit calmer you can think through different scenarios and work out a positive way to react if that were to happen?
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Can't think of how I would react. Probably bad. I've thought of what I'd say to her a million times. Fought all my personal demons to get this far, but when I'd talk to her, nothing would be good enough to describe what I want to say.
Thank you very much for staying here with me.
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
You're very welcome; I'm glad I am able to be here.
what about if you wrote down what thought about saying to her... maybe on some paper at your house.. on here.. or in the r/v forum for example...
it may not be the same as telling her... but it could allow you to get those thoughts and feelings out of you... I find sometimes when I allow things to build up inside of me I get more upset, anxious, worried, hurt etc. over it.. I don't know if that sounds like a good idea for you or not, but it's something that has helped me so I thought I would share it...
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
It just hurts me a lot to think of her. When my life was the worst...she was the happy dream in a life thats been a hellish nightmare. The time I spent with her were the happiest I known. All this time I wanted to tell her how I felt, but now nothing I can say will be good enought to explain how much I loved her.
She was like nobody I've ever met, and never will.
I know I'm an amazing writer, and many people say I should get into it. But that's just words.
I've fought armies to have this chance, to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am. But now I'm here, nothing could ever be good enough.
