Triggering (Suicide) - I'm not okay.

Daydream · 22-01-2009, 07:21 PM

I don't know which forum to put this in. I'm so mixed up right now.

I feel so low right now. Yesterday and today I've been on MSN while I was feeling rock bottom and I've had to support other people while I've been feeling that way, just because I've been too nice to say anything about what I'm feeling. I fake this smile and this laugh and the whole time I feel like hurting myself. I haven't felt like this for a while. Today I even felt like killing myself for the first time in about 3 months. But I can't. I can't kill myself. I want to. But I can't. My family is the only reason I don't. Without them, I'm dead.

All I want to do is break my wrist. I feel so ashamed of myself. Almost two years I've been fighting this and I sit here crying and wanting to throw it all away. I haven't been to the hospital (A&E) for myself in just under two years. I feel like I'm having withdrawal symptoms from self harm and going to the hospital, but how is that possible after two years? I'm just so messed up. I made a 20 months thread and I feel like I'm a fraud because I don't feel like I'm recovering right now. I wish I was back in the unit, I felt so much more safe in myself there than I do right now. Yes I know units are only for serious cases and stuff, please don't lecture me.

The flashbacks are coming back. They got better for a while but I'm seeing the bullies everywhere I go. I can hear them talking about me. Laughing about me. I'm always waiting for them to come and do something. I was sure I heard someone calling my name in the library today, mocking me. I didn't look because I was too afraid.

I have two appointments tomorrow, one with the family therapists and the other with the clinics cpn. I've only just started seeing her since my psychologist left. I can't get past the general talk, I can't get past me acting fine when I'm not. I'll get into so much trouble with my mum if I tell the CPN everything that I've said now. My mum is so supportive, but when it comes to me feeling like I want to hurt myself or kill myself, she can be nasty to me. "Are you really going to throw everything down the pan?" "Do you really want to be back to square one?" "I'm at the end of my tether with you." "None of us can take any more".

As I'm writing this plans are forming in my mind. Hanging? Overdose? Bridge? Chemicals? Rooftop?

I'm just so ashamed to be me right now. I hate myself.

sherlock holmes · 22-01-2009, 08:19 PM

I would suggest telling your CPN. Your mum doesnt have to know what you told her. I know parents sometimes dont know how to react, or what to say to make things better.

But you need to tell someone. Thoughts of suicide aren't normal and need to be taken seriously. You could print off what you wrote and hand it to your CPN so you dont even need to speak.

I think your mum would far prefer having you alive and feeling sad that you had thoughts of harming yourself, then having you dead from suicide.

Daydream · 22-01-2009, 08:53 PM

Thanks. I'm feeling a bit better after some time away from the internet and I've been watching some telly. Everytime I feel like this its really scary. I come out of it after about an hour and I can't even believe I felt like that. I'm not quite out of it yet, but I will get there. I'm not going to kill myself, it just feels like the only way out sometimes. I've got things to look forward to, even if its just little things like Grey's Anatomy on a Thursday night. I'm not going onto MSN for a while now, I'm going to help myself like was said on the other thread. I'll probably tell my CPN about this tomorrow, unless I'm super sure I'm not going to feel this way again for a long time (or ever).

I'm going to go now.

Thank you and goodnight.