Triggering (SI) - I feel happy...hmmm

Slip · 22-01-2009, 03:35 PM

Over the last 24 hours I have felt happy, I mean I feel happier than I have felt in days, even months right now & you wanna know why?...

Beacuse all I have been doing for the last 24 hours is fantasising about dragging a sparkling new nail back & forth on my forearm until I hit the bone.

I mean, I've really, really been thinking about it, the need I feel actually excites me, I'm excited about the prospect...

WTF?

I know that makes me sick, but I wonder how can that be, how is that possible?? That it actually makes me happy? Not calm or focused or any of the other 'usual' reasons I hurt myself, I'm actually happy...

So ****ing weird!

I'm wondering if maybe I should tell someone about what I'm thinking, because the more I think about it the more I think I might actually do it...nothing has made me feel like this in days, Its got nothing to do with being unsafe or safe...I feel so good...how can I not go through with it?

I must...

What'ya think? Should I tell? Is the happiness fake? Am I in dangering myself? It's a positive not a negative feeling...its very confusing!

Misunderstood. · 22-01-2009, 04:49 PM

I have felt the same about the thought of doing severe harm to myself alike to what you described. I think you should tell someone because the more and more excited you get about it the more and more inhibitions will fall away the moment might grab you to just do it and then your mood will come crashing down whem you're in hospital having your arm put back together wondering what the hell you were thinking.
I know it feels right now because it is making you feel so happy but it won't be if it happens.
I hope this made at least a bit of sense.

Catherine x x x x

Slip · 22-01-2009, 05:11 PM

Yeah & ruin all my fun!

I kinda know I should tell, but I wouldn't know where the hell to start, I don't have anyone in the 'real' world that really understands SI (although they tried real hard, bless 'em) but how would I explain that my thoughts around doing this have no relation to sadness, or hatred or whatever?
If I told them that it was making me happy, to imagine doing this to myself they would have me commited...it's just too crazy...

Misunderstood. · 22-01-2009, 05:19 PM

It's not actually crazy to me even though logically normally it would be thought to be by most people. I've gotten excited about the prospect of doing horrendous amounts of damage to myself by just feeling self destructive but with no other negative thoughts tied to it.
I'm usually manic when those thoughts and actions occur though.
If telling someone else wouldn't help then at least make sure you are in company if you really think you're on the verge of carrying out the damage you spoke about?

Catherine x x x x

Slip · 22-01-2009, 05:56 PM

Thanks darling, I guess I'll see how it goes... hey ho! xx

Misunderstood. · 22-01-2009, 06:04 PM

Be careful...x x

Slip · 22-01-2009, 06:20 PM

Me? always....

xxx

Misunderstood. · 22-01-2009, 07:08 PM

Lol, no seriously otherwise you could really regret it.
x x x

Slip · 23-01-2009, 09:01 AM

This thing has been running on a loop in my head for 48 hours now & I can't stop it & honestly a big part of me doesn't want to. I'm being nice to people, I've laughed more in the last 2 days than it feels like I have in months. & yeah, we all know that it won't last, it never does.
But I find myself not caring enough to care, I mean not that I won't be careful, but things are what they are & most of my problems stem from trying to change things & failing, therefore feeling worse...so I've decided what happens is going to happen & telling people about it will just worry them for what could turn out to be no cause what so ever...