Im such a pathetic bitch, I havent been able to do anything, even found it hard posting. I have been trying all day, even tried Chat to call out for help. I just couldnt find the words.
I was told from an early age how pathetic and crap I was. I feel like Im in a pit and cant get out. Im fighting to get out but I am loosing the will to live.
My Hubby has been keeping a close eye on me today, like he does everyday as he is my Carer. You would of thought having a wonderful Hubby and children. The most perfect soulmate/friend would be enough to keep me here.
I feel they would be better off without me. Thats what the Voice tells me and its what I feel in my heart.
Today has taught me something, Stewy my Hubby is fighting it with me. That the best friend in the whole wide world, ROMP< even thou she lives so far away > was there for me, she held my hand and listened to me.
I go to the Doctors on Wednesday, I need to aim for that day.
I am so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I know how useless those words are but I wanted you to know I had read. Your husband sounds like an amazing support...and we all know Romp is awesome! Please don't give up, I think aiming for wednesday and taking it just one step at a time is a good idea. *hugs*
i've thankfully talked to jade since and she is safe. She has the most incredible hubby and family with her. But we all know that isn't always enough sometimes.
I wish i could express and explain about Jade....she is the most wonderful person you could ever dream of meeting, she really is!! She is a large part of the reason why i am still here. Being her friend has opened up the posibility of hope for me. We fight together, her and I. Day by day. Her family is now my family and vice versa.
I just...oh...i just wish everyone knew her, how lovely and supportive she is.
I love ya, so much. Keep fighting. the bitch will NOT win!! You have lasted and fought her over 2 YEARS now!!!! That is soooooo amazing. You will beat her again; and i'm honored to help you fight her!
You're not a pathetic bitch or anything like that. Don't listen to the voices, listen to those who love you, your husband, your family. Listen to us here, why would we offer support to you if we didn't care. Your family would be devistated if they lost you. It's really great of your husband to be you carer. He must be a wonderful person, like my own wife who is my carer. Please don't leave your family behind, it would destroy them and they would be much worse off. You may not see it but you are a very special person. I'm really sorry but I have to leave this now as I'm starting to cry myself. Please keep safe. You can PM me anytime and I promise that I will always listen, I may not fully understand what it's like and I might not have the answers but I definately will care honey.
From the bottom of my heart thank you for all the support. It means the world to me.
Im sorry to all those I might of worried for not writing sooner. I just couldnt find the words.
Sorry Nathan if I made you cry, I didnt mean to upset anyone.
Well Romp, you made me sound amazing. < not that I deserve it >. Honey we will fight on together. Thank you for being there for me, if must of been fate. Being there at the right place at the right time. Holding my hand through my difficult time. You mean the world to me, and I would be lost without you. I hope I never will have to find out.
UPDATE:
I went to see my Psych on Wednesday.
She asked me what was wrong.
1. A year to the day my Nan < who acted like a Mum to me >
2. My Mum is suicidial at the moment, < which I want to listen to her but find it hard when I feel so low as well > which is causing me to have flash backs because I found her attempted sucide when I was 18 and had to call the ambalance.
3. Having nightmares, and not sleeping well
4. Missing my baby son Connor who died.
The list could go on.
See told me that she couldnt put my Meds up anymore because Im on the Max already.
She told me that I was wrong for letting my diabetes for getting out of control. Diabetes can effect your nervous system < which I didnt know, Ive only recently found out I have diabetes Type 2 > She thought that wasnt helping.
She wouldnt put me on a mood stabilizer because I am on Blood Pressure Tablets. She wants me to have an ECG and as a last resort she might put them me on them only if the ECG comes back ok.
She did say that she would refer me to a " Hearing Voices " group. Which would take time to get on because its a course and there is a waiting list.
I did come out feeling very flat and diappointed because I really wanted someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel better < VERY wishful thinking >
Last edited by Tears of Solitude : 23-01-2009 at 04:10 PM.
Reason: Miss wording
*cuddles you* i wish i could find a way to take away your pain even for a little while. But from what i've read and heard about you, you are far from pathetic, gawd knows romp loves you too bits and so does your family. You are a blessed person but that does not necessarily take away the pain of what has happened to loose you son especially. But the world and certainly your family would not be a better place without you, your husband cares for you because he loves you too bits and he doesn't want you too give in. I know there is no way i can make that voice dissapear for you, but you have to keep trying with your treatment and see that life is worth living as hard and as painful as it is sometimes its worth it for those 'moments'. Like when your hubby tells you he loves you or when you see your kids, thats what your fighting for and thats what you have to reminbd yourself of everytime that voice comes back, because you are stronger than it.
I know you dont know me but if you ever need to talk PM me anytime.
Take care, i hope everything goes well,
Phoenix xxx
Wish i could tie you up in my shoes....make you feel unpretty too...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see......
You're still here in my heart.
Oh hun, I wish I had that magic wand but I will listen if you ever want to talk ok? You don't have to apologise to me hun, I wasn't upset by anything you wrote.
It sounds like you aren't coping well at the moment. Can your psych possibly look at changing your meds if they aren't working at the highest dose? Can you put the pressure on her to make things happen ie. the support group and getting the meds sorted out? I don't know how it works in England but here they will make your case a priority if there is a risk of suicide and self harm. There are so many mood stabilizer meds out there, is it at all possible that she can trial one that won't affect the BP medication? It really sounds like you need to get all that sorted out so you can work on feeling better. I really think this is very important especially if you have been feeling unsafe.
That sucks you have diabetes, but it isn't the end of the world. Can you talk to your own physician about this and hopefully get all under control? My wife also has diabetes, it sucks but with a healthy diet and excercise and can be controlled......easier said than done I know.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing hun.
love Nathan xo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
I am feeling better, Talking about it was and is a great help. Also having support is a wonderful feeling.
Phoenix, thanks for replying. I do feel very blessed. I have a wonderful family and friends which give me hope for the future. I know I have to keep fighting. xxx
Dear Nathan xxx Im trying to get my diabetes under control. I have cut a lot out of my diet < all the nice sweet stuff >. I know I need to start some exercise. When the weather is warmer < not very very cold, windy and rainy > I am hoping to go out for walks but I do find it hard going out < scared like a jelly >. Also thinking of starting swimming.
I need to stop thinking and start doing it, dont I !!!!!
Last edited by Tears of Solitude : 24-01-2009 at 01:02 PM.
Reason: Wanted to add some more
Just wanted to offer my support and hugs. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you but all these things over time may add up to a solution that works for you. I've heard really good things about these hearing voices groups, so it might really be worth waiting for.
Hang in there xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
*offers hugs* It's hard to do things when the motivation isn't there.. from what I've seen on here you're a fighter and are loved by lots. Don't know if this will help, but how about rewarding yourself for little things that you do.. e.g. for posting on here about how you're feeling... and hopefully work up the energy and motivation to do some of your other goals..
Though that being said, it's much easier to say than do.
take care!
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Jadie hun, I understand why you feel so low, I don't know if I could cope at all with what you are going through. I know that we can't always do what we used to when we are sick but I know things will get better for you. It can't stay this way forever even though it's hard for youi to believe when you feel like this. I'm sure nobody hates what you have become. You are very much loved by others here including myself. The best way is to try to do things one step at a time because if you think too much it's going to overwhelm you and you will lose the motivation. I'm sorry for not being very helpful, I just wish I had more advise for you but please know that I care very much about you. You are a great, awesome person.
Love Nathan xo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
Thank you for your wonderful reply Nathan. You have been very helpful.
Still feeling low today, and on top of that Im not feeling that well. Havent done anything today, only been online. Its helping me take my mind off things.
Tomorrow I have to face leaving the house. < scared as hell > I have to go to my local health centre to see a Dietitian. I have already chickened out once, I cant keep doing it. PLUS my Hubby wont let me.
How can a grown woman be scared of going out???? Its because Im unsafe while Im out, people can get to me.
*hugs you honey*. I understand not wanting to go out. I feel unsafe about going outside sometimes too. I really hope your feeling better soon. It's awful to be sick as well as down. I worry about you sweetie.
Nathan xo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
