Triggering (SI) - another monday morning

midnight fairy · 19-01-2009, 11:33 AM

iv had a bad weekend iv not slept in 92 hours but last night i got 6hrs which i feel so crap for today i feel worse now than i did when i was not sleeping

what really gets me is iv been awake all that time and iv got a million and 1 things to do and i lay there watching tv iv watched the full 1st and 2nd seris of skins, gossip girl, watched aload of crap films on bt vision and went to work that was hard not to bite people heads off lol

I now have to start the whole process again i feel so bad my life is a mess and i dont care right now if i died i self harmed last night might be one of the worst i done i got angry and at this point im very controled and i stop as im scared of the damage i can do but i did not stop and my arms are a right mess

between the lack of sleep and the hate for myself i dont even know how i get up but i do its like im on auto and i have to do this i have no choice its like im living but im not in my body if that makes sense its me but not all of me the part that makes me real so to speak is missing as its died and i dont know how to bring it to life again

im sorry for going on its just all in my head and i feel like its going to pop and i have to go and do and 8hour shift at work and be all nice and smile which takes up so much of me and when people ask are you ok? yes im fine you? they dont even care for the reply if you said no it would be oh good me too great weekend and smile at you and walk off

i just dont want to be here anymore i dont even think anyone would mind

midnight

ravynsoul · 19-01-2009, 12:24 PM

Hi Midnight

*offers lots and lots of hugs* I'm sorry that you've had a rough weekend; and that things are tough right now. I know how frustrating it is to pretend that all is fine.

But despite all this, know that people would mind if you weren't here anymore! I would mind and I'm sure there's lots of people on ryl that would mind too. Is there someone in rl that you are close to that you can talk to about this? Sometimes it just helps having a hug in person.

feel free to pm me anytime you want to talk.

take care.

ThinkingofRecovery · 19-01-2009, 02:32 PM

The people at work might not care how you feel when they ask and are just being polite but we care. Please keep posting.

midnight fairy · 19-01-2009, 05:27 PM

thank you for your kind words i needed that so much

hugs x x x

wildly insane · 19-01-2009, 06:44 PM

There are definitely people who would mind, it's just sometimes difficult to see them :) Believe me it's the part that makes you get up on auto that is keeping you going, the rest of you is there, somewhere we just have to find it and show you that it will be okay. Be strong, talk to somebody if you need to, feel free to message me, hugs, Hannah

Mary Anne · 19-01-2009, 07:47 PM

People really would care if you were not here any more.

All that fake happiness you are having to produce is totally exhausting.
Try not to fret about people at work, most work places operate on politeness unless you have been there a long time (in my work people have been there for longer than I have been alive), they don;t wish you bad they are passing the time of day becuase it is habit.

*sending you lots of hugs*

x

midnight fairy · 19-01-2009, 11:47 PM

thanks all reall helps glad the day is over im now just hoping i will sleep tonight but i never know if i will or not i wish i had and off button just for a while

hugs all