Triggering (SI/OD) - Positive Post *mentions sui/od/si/abuse*

ThinkingofRecovery · 18-01-2009, 09:30 PM

OK, so have been bouncing off the walls a little this weekend and thought that considering I haven been pretty much constantly suicidal for the past few months, I would take advantage of this time before the crash comes.

1. I haven't taken an OD since mid-December
2. My psych is going to mediate with me and cpn to sort things out and in the meantime is offering 3 valuable appointments the next 3 months to make sure I have at least bare minimum support. She obviously does want to help and care. This is significant as I really didn't like her at all to begin with but now feel able to talk to her.
3. I've signed up for the Manchester 10k in May and going to collect sponsorship for Mind. This should hopefully give me the motivation to start running again as I did a lot of it in the past.
4. Yes, I am behind in my prep for my OU maths course but have re-started it and it won't be impossible to catch up
5. The Quetiapine I have had the past few months has helped me reduce my self harm and my life is less chaotic.
6. Yes, I took a step back at work but I think it is what I need at the moment and the team are taking advantage of my skills of drafting etc which means if i decide to go back to being a solicitor it won't be too much of a shock.
7. The team I work with want to create a healthier work environment in order to help me get back to full health.
8. The psychotherapy questionnaire has finally come through and when I get round to sending it off

, it isn't long until the assessment appointments begin. This is the treatment that they say will be the one that is going to work albeit it will take alot of time and perserverance.

I know this post is at odds with the fact that it is Sunday night and I am going to cut but I think it is important that I remember that I have worked hard through this terrible low of late and there are some positives.

So, just hoping that I can get encouragement/reminders about this and that things may possibly change in the future, even if only a little.

Also hoping to add more positive things to this over the next however many days/weeks.

Thanks for all of you who have listened to me whine and helped me through the really dark patches!

Someone please remind me of these things when I am at that crisis point again in a few hours.

Carrie
xxx

ravynsoul · 18-01-2009, 10:09 PM

Carrie, I think that's wonderful that you wrote a list out of all the positive things that has been going on. I think you should print off the list and place it somewhere where you can easily see it. I want to add that I think it's amazing how supportive you have been of others around here even when you were struggling so much yourself. I think you are a wonderful person.

*hugs*

ThinkingofRecovery · 18-01-2009, 10:35 PM

Thanks Ravynsoul, you nearly made me cry.

It's all OK now, I understand the voices. Going to go for a walk tonight and walk and walk and walk. So much energy, what will they tell me to do. I've been fighting them but now I am not, everything seems so much better, full of energy, of life.

Thanks!

Just realised, sent off psychotherapy questionnaire but no need now. Just going to listen to them. I wonder where I end up. It is all so exciting. I feel free. Can do anything. The release. Amazing

~Grace~ · 18-01-2009, 10:49 PM

What a positive list you have made. You have done so well! Its important to try to remember all of those things when and if times get tough again. I find that focusing on the positives helps to push the negative thoughts to one side, enough to give a well earned breathing space.

Much love and well done xx

Casper_Fading · 19-01-2009, 04:14 AM

Hey honey, I haven't replied to you in ages I know but i saw this and i just want to say WOOT! What a list!!! print it out and keep it somewhere you'll see it all the time. So proud of you honey. You're doing brilliantly. Keep in up sweetheart, i know there are negatives but now YOU know there are positives too! *cuddles* so proud.

midnight fairy · 19-01-2009, 10:16 AM

hey hun

im glad that you have had the time from the low to see all the thngs that you have done and the achivements your going to do

im glad you getting the help you need and thank you for sharing this with us has really helped me to read this as there is light even if its for a moment there is light and you hold onto that

take care
midnight

ThinkingofRecovery · 19-01-2009, 02:29 PM

Thanks, feeling a bit rubbish today as didn't go into work. I crashed, ended up taking a bit of an OD and had to stay to talk to the crisis team.

OK, so the positive in this? It is only going to be one day off. I'm going to be constructive and do some maths prep.

So, yeah my mood crashed to that point again but it doesn't mean it has to be like that for the next few days or so. It was a mistake but not one for which I am going to punish myself.

I really am going to try and focus on these positive things.

By the way Jess, it's great to hear from you

ThinkingofRecovery · 19-01-2009, 07:04 PM

Ok, so my post before was a little pitiful and woe is me. Today's positive post therefore is that I am going to go without self harm for a week, I really am and know I can do this. Baby steps.

dark_light · 19-01-2009, 07:37 PM

Good luck with that
And keep reminding yourself whats on your positive first post!

ThinkingofRecovery · 20-01-2009, 08:08 PM

Who could have thought a day would be so difficult. Still fighting but tired and weary at the moment.

Mrs Sam · 20-01-2009, 08:12 PM

there will always be difficult days but its amazing that you recognise the good things amongst the bad.

your doing amazingly well!

ThinkingofRecovery · 20-01-2009, 11:05 PM

Why is it when you positively decide to do or not do something, that thing becomes so constant in your mind? Just so triggered right now but not going to do anything. I'll show them. It's not useless to fight, the voices are wrong. I'm not going to cut today and I'm not going to take that OD. I'm fighting this one until I have used every single ounce of fight within me. Sorry, pointless post, just trying to convince myself that I can keep fighting this.

Casper_Fading · 20-01-2009, 11:20 PM

Reading that... I am SO freakin proud of you. Oh honey you've come so far!!! I'm so so proud. Well done.

ThinkingofRecovery · 21-01-2009, 10:09 PM

Thanks Jess! Trying today, struggling but still trying. Hoping meds will kick in so will get to sleep nice and early and it will be a second day without cutting.

ravynsoul · 22-01-2009, 12:43 AM

Hope you have a good sleep! Keep fighting!

*hugs*

dark_light · 22-01-2009, 11:41 AM

How is it going?
Hope you are still fighting it xxxx

ThinkingofRecovery · 23-01-2009, 11:10 PM

Thanks for asking. Tired, fed up. This fighting thing is draining all my strength and the voices and thoughts are regaining their strength. Haven't cut yet this week but do need to just to be able to feel. Numb, exhausted.

Got through date for appt for 1st assessment session for the psychotherapy place - it's in March. Then it hits me, that they might not even accept me. I might be beyond help. I'm supposed to hurt myself, supposed to kill myself.

Sorry, it's been draining this week. Sorry for not ebing around to support people much but have been getting in and taking meds early (plus a little extra) to knock myself out nice and early. An existence.

Tomorrow going to get my hair cut. I could really do with doing some maths as really far behind now but motivation has left me this week. Fighting has been a bit of a full time job.

I'm without support, no cpn, no GP feel able to turn to. Just feel as though I am fighting alone and can't do it alone yet afraid to admit that I need some support. I don't know what would help. Maybe to be able to offload but no outlet.

Sorry, blah!

ThinkingofRecovery · 24-01-2009, 08:42 PM

I didn't cut last night

but it's the battle everyday over and over and I don't feel like I have the resources to keep fighting this war.

Feel alone, pathetic, weak, no outlet - argh!

Tears of Solitude · 24-01-2009, 09:50 PM

Dear Carrie

Great news that you didnt cut last night. I understand the battle everyday because 2 years on I have to fight the urges still. It is draining but you CAN do it. Look at that first post of all the achievements you are doing, you must be proud of yourself because I am.

Your not alone you have all this support here, holding your hand through this difficult time. Keep fighting, it will be worth it in the end.

Keep talking, keep sharing. Let us support you.
PM me anytime honey.

Love Jade xxx

Pomegranate · 24-01-2009, 10:00 PM

You aren't pathetic or weak, on the contrary Carrie. You are a wonderfully supportive and strong person. Well done for getting through the urges last night :) Why can't you speak to your GP to explain why you are struggling? Please keep fighting hun x