Triggering (SI) - I failed

moonprincessanita · 15-01-2009, 10:34 PM

So I ended up cutting the other night. I was just so angry. I thought for sure that Ben would like me and that we would go out. But no, apparently he only likes me as a friend. I was so sad and upset. I cried. He even asked if we could still be friends. I said yea. I'm stupid. It hurts every time I see him. I said with him and a couple of friends at lunch today. I didn't even plan that he was to sit next to me. Yet he did. I used to think it was because he liked me. But no. I even broke up with Mike. I had sex with Mike. I thought me and him would be together forever. But no. I broke up with him so Ben would ask me out. There's no point in going out with anyone. Sometimes I hate life. I put all my friends through pain and suffering. Alison doesn't know that I cut yet. Neither does Olivia. They're going to be so disappointed in me. And every time I think about Ben saying that there will never be an "us" I feel triggered. I hate life.

moonprincessanita · 16-01-2009, 04:32 PM

Now Roni knows. She knows the day I last did it too.

Louise · 16-01-2009, 10:29 PM

hugs, you deserve to be happy, why do you think alison and olivia would be disappointed in you. they are there for you. you will find someone that will love you for you. i no you will be hurting now, but it will get easier. thinking about you. you have not failed. why do you think you have failed was it because you harmed or to do with ben, or something else. xxx

Spirit of an Angel · 16-01-2009, 11:39 PM

aw hunny you deserve better than that can you go out for coffee and treat your self we are here for you hun .

free spirit

moonprincessanita · 17-01-2009, 05:31 AM

I don't drink coffee. I also don't have a car to go out. Alison and Olivia would be disappointed because I cut. I failed because I cut. I failed because Ben doesn't like me.

moonprincessanita · 18-01-2009, 01:20 AM

So I failed. I've failed at life.

Louise · 18-01-2009, 01:35 AM

you have not failed. you can still make it in life. you can get through this. hang in there, try to keep fighting, you never no what another few months will bring. xxx

moonprincessanita · 18-01-2009, 09:14 PM

It will only bring more hurt and disappointment to my friends.

Target Dawn · 18-01-2009, 09:55 PM

I'm sure your friends are only concerned for you and that's why they want you to stop. They may be disappointed but that's because they care about you. If they are your friends, they will stick by you.

Freckles · 18-01-2009, 11:10 PM

Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. Only a few months ago I was in the same place. I was completely in love with a guy and thought he liked me too. I told him I liked him and he told me he was going out with someone (who I knew too) and that he's only ever seen me as a friend. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life. I went through a whole process probably similar to a grieving process. I cried for ages. I felt hurt and angry, like I'd been lied to. I felt jealous towards the other girl. I hated myself, and eventually I hated him too.... but for me that was a good thing. I could finally let go of him and see that I'm better than him and I deserve better - I deserve someone who wants me too. And you know what I found him recently. (Okay that's gone a bit wrong too, but...) It's shown me that although at that point back then I thought my life was over, it really wasn't. Things do get better. There are people out there who will want you too.

Nothing I say will probably make you feel any better, but I hope it gives you a little hope knowing that I came out the other side, so I believe you will too. You just need to go through your own process and keep safe in the meantime.

You're not a failure just because he didn't want you. And you're certainly not a failure for cutting - these things happen. It's your way of coping at the moment. You just need to keep yourself safe and maybe learn some new coping methods. The only thing that could make you a "failure" (I don't like that word anyway) is if you let this destroy you. If you keep on fighting and telling yourself what a fantastic person you are, then you'll never be a failure.

Sorry I'm not that helpful but wanted to share my experience with you so you know you're not alone. I'm here if you ever wanna talk okay hun? Just drop me a PM anytime. Take care. * Huge hugs*

xxxx

moonprincessanita · 19-01-2009, 08:14 AM

I don't know what to do anymore. I really hate life. I hate myself. I hate my body. I just hate life.