Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I just want *updated 16/1/09 how to make it through the weekend??? Please?*

Pomegranate · 15-01-2009, 03:38 AM

I just want you to accept me for who I am. Not to tell me that exercising will fix everything, and also 'the weight problem'. You want me to start throwing up again every time I eat then so be it. I asked you for help, I cried and I BEGGED and you refused. Don't ever expect me to ask again because I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. The lies, the hurt, the stitches, the consults, EVERYTHING. I have had enough and I have run out of ways to ask for help.

I TRIED but all you did was tell everyone. You want me to be a success regardless of the cost. I just NEED somebody to accept me and love me regardless of how I screw up. I am getting the 2.1, true it isn't the first but its all I can manage right now. All I want, all I EVER wanted was for someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be ok whilst I believe them. Why is that so impossible?

I don't know what to do, because EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING hurts too much.

ravynsoul · 15-01-2009, 04:16 AM

*cuddles* Emma, i'm listening/reading; things will improve, keep on trusting that, keep on hoping. I'm sorry that you're hurting right now.

pm me anytime if you need to talk.

*leaves lots of hugs*

airwolf282 · 16-01-2009, 08:02 AM

Hugs Emma honey,

I really hope you're feeling better soon. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be happy.

*wipes your tears*

Nathan xo

Jetforce · 16-01-2009, 01:17 PM

Hey emma! u know where to find me if u need a chat

look after urself there xxx

Pomegranate · 16-01-2009, 05:25 PM

Thanks for the hugs and everything, I really don't mean to seem ungrateful.

I don't know how I will get through the weekend. Saw my CPN today and convinced her I didn't need to crisis team. I thought I could manage but now I don't think I can. I can't see myself getting to next Friday when I next see someone from my team. I don't know what to do. I just feel so hopeless. I can't do this. It's the weekend there isn't even anyone I can contact.

Pomegranate · 16-01-2009, 05:30 PM

Oh God, I just tried to call my CPN to see if I could talk to her. I have never called outside appointment times before. She's gone home for the weekend. That's it. I'm ****ed.

Don't know what to do.

~Grace~ · 16-01-2009, 05:32 PM

can you not get intouch with your cpn and tell her that things are really bad for you right now and that you think you may need to be in contact with the crisis team afterall.

im really sorry youre struggling and wish i had some words of advice for you....all i can offer right now are comforting hugs.

much love xx

Sigma · 16-01-2009, 05:39 PM

Is there a friend you can call? So you're not alone?

Pomegranate · 16-01-2009, 10:44 PM

I can't get hold of my CPN :( Thanks for the hugs though Rowie.

I can't tell my friends because I am back at uni and the ones that know are about 2 hours from here

. My housemates are mad with me now because I don't want to go out. I can't do it. I suck. Went for a nap to see if it would help and it hasn't.

ThinkingofRecovery · 17-01-2009, 12:31 PM

You could always ring the local A&E department and ask to speak to the mental health bleep holder who hould then be able to give you the crisis team number or offer support themselves. Please take care. I'm really glad to see that you are trying to take steps to keep yourself safe. Keep posting. *hugs*

ravynsoul · 17-01-2009, 03:12 PM

How are you doing today Emma? *hugs*

Pomegranate · 17-01-2009, 09:37 PM

Thanks for the responses. I am doing a little better today thanks. Trying really hard to block out all the bad thoughts etc and to make myself be around people. It all just seems so hard though. I was supposed to be going out tonight and I really can't face it. I pretty much told myself to go out for a couple of drinks and then I could come home. At least then I am out right? But no, my friends decided to go to Birmingham clubbing and just found out it is over 21 night only. I can't do it. I just can't. Even if I found the energy to go I can't because I don't turn 21 for a few months. I just can't face it. I feel like such a freak. Only one more day till monday though right? Right??

ThinkingofRecovery · 17-01-2009, 10:16 PM

It's great that you are still trying so hard. If it gets too much though, please think about calling someone, I realise that you friends are a couple of hours away but just speaking to someone can help sometimes. I know it's hard, hun, I really do and wish I could so something to make it easier. *hugs*

Auburn Shadow · 17-01-2009, 10:26 PM

*hugs* Sorry hun, only just seen this. Hope you're doing ok at the moment. You know where I am if you want to talk, anytime hun. *more huge hugs*

Pomegranate · 18-01-2009, 03:33 AM

It hurts. I went for a cigarette and all the time I was wondering if it would be my last. How to be honest and tell them I won't see next christmas. Everything hurts too much. I need someone to tell me how to save myself. The crisis team haven't helped before, and yet before I have never felt this bad. Each hour is a stretch, let alone each day or week. I need to let go, and yet it is so hard to completely let go. I don't know what to do. My whole existence is just that....an existence....nothing more and this will not change.

ravynsoul · 18-01-2009, 03:40 AM

*cuddles Emma* Please try and go somewhere safe; or call someone and be safe... i wish I had more words for you; but i can't think... i'm listening/reading..