It's been a long time. About 80 percent of me doesn't want to write this out. I'm afraid. I'm scared, I'm terrified. The 20% wins, I don't know how.
It's time to face up to things: I don't really have any friends anymore.
I don't have any friends anymore.
But friend is a broadly defined term, after all. It could mean somebody casually nice to me every now and again. What I am saying goes beyond that. I don't have anyone near me regularly who cares about me. Aside from my boyfriend who visits me (or I visit him) on weekends and holidays, I am completely and utterly isolated from the social world. And it's on the boards too. I stopped coming on here because after about 4 some years, I have never made a lasting connection with anybody on RYL. (I should mention at this point that I blame myself for this. That is, this is absolutely not a critique on the friendliness or niceness of people here. You all are an amazing community, and you have been supportive of me without even knowing me these four years. I have nothing bad to say about you in this.)
I don't want to think about it. It hurts writing this. But everytime I would go to post something (or when I would speak up in real life) I would get so afraid that I'd just be ignored, laughed at, or thought to be stupid or unworthy that I would withdraw. And I shouldn't be writing this in the past tense either because obviously its still going on. I always say that people don't have to respond to my posts if they don't want, but the honest truth is I'm scared right now that nobody is going to respond to this post, that I'm going to be ignored again--I ****ing hate admitting that because it's pathetic and wrong and it shows you how weak I am, but I said it and it's true and I hate myself for it. I should be better than the opinions and thoughts of my peers but I'm not. I never was, and I never am.
As I'm sitting here in my empty bedroom--as I do most evenings--the isolation heavily sets into me. I don't have anyone here at university who talks to me. No friends, just a roomate who tolerates me, but doesn't speak much to me. People I knew in high school who were friends are off living their lives apart from me. They have new boyfriends and girlfriends, new social groups, new goals, new networks, new clubs, new existances. They don't ever call me, return my emails, or even text message me. I could never talk to my parents openly--and definitely couldn't depend on them if I got scared or upset about something. So here I am. I have one person, who is about 2 hours away, who is forced to be all my social interaction.
When I get afraid like this, the worst fear that enters my head is "it's going to be this way forever--I'm going to be mostly alone forever" Maybe it isn't true. I hope not. But how long can I wait? How long is isolation going to cut into my youth? Will I have to wait until I'm 37 before I learn how to properly interact with people? I don't want that. Am I always going to go around fearing what people see and think when they look at me, and on the rare occasions that I speak to them? When will I have friends?
*offers a big friendly hug* have you joined any clubs or societies at uni where you can meet people with similar interests to you? I know it's hard and friendships take time to develop and trust but you've got to believe in them. A friend of mine bluntly told me - you care too much what people think - even people I'm never going to meet, and he was right, but you can't please everybody, but you can do what is right by you and the people you care about such as your boyfriend. The right people will like you for who you are, they're the ones that matter, You are not weak, you are strong and you are fighting this, unfortunately making friends takes a lot of time and effort, believe me, but it's worth it and I believe that you wont be isolated for long, take care, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
If you want, you can PM me anytime or email me through the link when you click my usename. You'll find that you can add me to your myspace/facebook too. I know how it feels to be alone, probably different to what you're going through though.
I agree with Hannah. Clubs (social, sporting etc) are a good place to meet new friends. At least then you know that you are going to meet like minded people there which is half the battle gone already. You don't have to go clubbing or go drinking every night to meet people. I'm not sure what your hobbies or interests are but I'm sure there are community groups in your area for whatever it is you enjoy doing. Even attending church for a few times is a good way to meet people. Has your boyfriend got friends that you can also be friends with?
I have similar problems - I find i difficult to get to know people & open up to them. I find clubs/societies help, because I can get to know people slowly, plus a shared interest is something to talk about. Also, voluntary work is good as well, if you choose something that takes place in a group.
I know what you mean about feeling alone, i find it difficult to make connections with people. I have found that doing voluntary work has helped me a lot with this.
Please pm me if you want to chat about anything x
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
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