Triggering (Suicide) - they're going to **** me over
I am so over being worried all the time about everything. Yesterday I found out my wife got put on probation at work for having "excessive time off" because she has had a chest infection and being diabetic it takes longer for her to recover. I have to have a job capacity assessment done at centrelink before the job agency will help me. I'm so worried they're going to **** me over so they can take my pension off me and tell me I'm on my own. The stupid dumb asses will say just because you have mental illness doesn't mean you can't look for a job. The truth is that without an agency there that specialises in assisting people with MI get back into work I have absolutely no chance.........people in the town are dumb **** rednecks and they're attitude towards MI has not changed since the 1800s. Centrelink would love to take the pension off of me and give me the dole which would be about $200 a fortnight less than the pension. And I would also have to put in 10 job applications a fortnight and be ready to accept any sort of work with any hours, any days/nights and any conditions regardless of my health conditions, transport issues and family/marriage commitments otherwise they won't pay at all. Plus I would have to pay full price for public transport, doctors appoitments, medications, vehicle registration & driver's license and my TAFE course. My wife only works part time too so how the hell are we supposed to survive on $500 a week when $200 goes on rent, $60 on petrol, $120 on food plus the electricity, phone/internet and mobile bills? We seldom have money left over now after all the bills get paid.
To make things worse the stupid ****ing bank keeps harrassing us for loan repayments even though they know that my loan insurance is supposed to be covering it. It won't stop them ****ing my credit rating up so I will never be able to borrow money or buy a house or anything.
And what's going to happen to my wife's job if she has to spend time in Sydney if her stepfather passes away which is probably going to happen in the coming months. Now that she's on probation they don't even need a reason to give her the sack. If it does happen I don't know how I'm going to stop myself storming in the office with my chainsaw.
I have a few plans, I'm going to hide some radiator coolant where my wife won't find it. I also have a rope hidden in the boot of the car near where the spare tyre is. I'm NOT going to ****ing starve to death or live on the ****ing streets. I would rather die. We would have nowhere else to go and we are already living in the cheapest and worst area of town. What the ****ing hell are we supposed to do if it turns out that we can't afford the rent? The stupid ****ing housing department won't give a **** about us because their list is a mile long and they only care about trailer trash junkie teenagers with 50 kids which is the typical people in this ****ing ****, trash town.
I thought '09 was the year that things would change. The year I would start studying so I could get a job that I can do. I was just being eluded. Nothing changes or gets better, it only stays the same or gets worse. I don't want to be alive any more, I have had enough of constantly worrying that we are going to end up starving or on the streets or both. Nobody cares and there is nobody that will help us
Nathan
Last edited by airwolf282 : 14-01-2009 at 05:36 AM.
*offers hugs* That sounds incredibly frustrating! I hope that your job assessment goes better than that. When is it? Do you think if you explain how MI affects your ability to work and find a job that may help?
Please try and stay safe. Take care.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but I'd really like to stress how serious your actions would be if you killed yourself. Your wife would not only loose the person she loves but she would also be plunged into all the debt you're in.
I know how horrible it is to be in debt, to be unemployed and not given the help you need to get work because of your mental health problems. But imagine how horrible it would be if you lost your wife to suicide...Then you'll see how horrible it would be for your wife if you went through with your plans.
You will be in my thoughts, and you can PM me any time you need.
Take care
x
Jobs Capaicty Assessment is next week. I thought all about that but without me dragging my wife down she could work more hours and easily afford to pay the bills and she wouldn't have to worry about looking after me anymore. I can also make it look like an accident so she will get the death benefit from my super. With all that she could make a clean start and meet someone new and better. Someone who is not ****ed up mentally, someone that holds a good job and has financial security and most importantly someone who isn't a worthless waste of her time. I'm nothing and can so easily be replaced.
i know that sounds like a good argument to you; however, I really strongly think that your wife would not think that! Please be careful; please talk to your wife or someone at A&E about how you are feeling. From what I have seen on here, you are a wonderful person - kind and thoughtful. I am guessing that your wife does not think you are a waste of her time.
*offering lots and lots of safe hugs*
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I'm sure that your wife would not agree with your argument, I've tried explaining that one to my partner too many times. All I can offer is why would your wife stay with you if you truly were a waste of time and energy? By her sticking with you and continuing to love you, shows that no matter what you think right now, she loves you and wants to be with you. The hardest thing in the world to replace is the person you love and care for.
You're right about something. She doesn't leave me for some reason. It could simply be that she doesn't want the guilt of knowing that walking away would mean certain death. I wouldn't in any way want her to feel guilty on purpose but without her support, I would have nowhere to go and would be doomed.
The bloody bank keeps harrassing us. Called us twice today, hassling us about the repayments when they know that the damn loan insurance they sold me (which they charged me $3000 for) is supposed to cover it. The problem is that the insurance is with a different organization and sometimes they don't make the payments on the exact precise day they're due so the bank blames us and hassles us for the money. No doubt my credit rating is absolutely ****ED. There is no way in hell I could ever borrow money or get a home loan because of the ****ing ******** bank because I probably would have a hundred defaults by now. So I will be renting for the rest of my life. What's going to happen with rents being always on the rise? How the hell are we going to managed to keep paying it if our pension payments stay the same? And if we are forced to move because the landlord wants to move in, renovate or sell we couldn't afford the bond on a new place. If you give me a choice between starving to death, being homeless and freezing to death come winter time or hanging myself from a rope I will take the third option any day.
And there's still the uncertainty of my wife's job. She still has to work on probation. They may do anything they won't and she has no legal rights now. They can cut her hours, make her work out of the area or **** her off completely and she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
I haven't picked up a blade for almost two months now but I so desperately want to hurt myself. Add that to the fact that I have OD'd since then so those two months don't really count anyway. I keep thinking to myself that I will probably feel better if I do hurt myself so why the hell am I not doing it? Maybe part of me thinks that this is supposed to be the year that things change, a turning point. Today I bought some stationery; A4 book, pens, pencils, etc and I am in the process of setting up a home office for my studies. A year ago I never would have believed that I would be doing that, although after the **** that keeps going on at the moment I think that all this is just going to elude me
Nathan
Last edited by airwolf282 : 16-01-2009 at 08:15 AM.
Oh Nathan hang in there ok. I know it's going to work out. It will. Even just by little things. I hadn't thought about rent prices going up =[ Bugger.. got me more :\ now myself. Lol! Life is just ****ed sometimes and I'm sorry you have to cop the brunt of it now =[ Please just hang in there. I'm sure it's going to work out. I'm pretty sure for Assessment will be fine, though I'm not sure what they're like in Sydney. I hope you get a good person though. They are relatively good in Port. Please hang in there =[ Is there anything you do? Can you go to like the Salvos or go somewhere for a bit of help? I don't know =[ Thinking of you xx
Thanks Katie. I really appreciate your support. You are an amazing person. Centrelink in Sydney are horrible. Luckily I no longer live there, I live in the country. A lot of people out here have very small, narrow minds and think that MI is just an excuse for people to sit on their arse collecting welfare. I hope to hell that I don't get assessed by someone like that. I had one last March and they were pretty good, although that was at CRS not Centrelink. I am on the disability pension already and I wouldn't be going through a JCA again but I have to if I want to get into a disability employment agency thanks to damn beurocrats. I am scared to death of it going wrong and me losing my payment that keeps me alive. Like I said, after paying all our bills we seldom have money left over. It's not as stress free and easy living like many people think. Nobody in their right mind would chose this lifestyle if they could possibly work. I also had a panic attack last time I went to Centrelink. There was just too many people packed into a small area. The line was enormous and there was all different sounds and smells. It felt like I was trapped in a lift full of people I don't know. My wife is going to demand that we go straight in to have the assessment done because being in the waiting area with loads of people freaks me out a bit. That's why I can't stand public transport too.
I'm really worried. I'm scared to death that I'm going to have a massive panic attack there. Especially with all the worry about the assessment. And then there's waiting for weeks on end before Centrelink notify you of their decision. I think it's going to be too much
Oh man I fully understand hey. If I could work AND study as well, I so would. I hate it when people say I'm just a bludger and I don't deserve this money and all this shiz, but don't you think I'd be off the benefits and getting my own if I could?? Grrr. Some people just don't understand, and unfortunately, some of those never will. It frustrates me to hell though.
Maybe, if you have a panic attack that will then show you that aren't capable of looking for work or whatever? I mean I hope it doesn't happen but hopefully you know what I mean. Thank god your not in Sydney with those horrible Centrelink people (no offence to anyone :P). It feels like their only there to mess people up. I'm dreading going in there just to change my address. I really do not like them either. I'm sure the people are nice outside of C/L lol. CRS are pretty good hey, so your going to Centrelink to get one done? What day is it?
This is off topic, but you know what frustrates me with Centrelink? How they send out seperate letters just to notify you of what you've been paid, then seperate ones to say how much you've been paid every 8 weeks or so then seperate ones for forms.. grrrrr.. it seems like all the mail we do get is bills and centrelink lol! Anyways..
If the JSA goes well (which I'm sure it will ;)) do you then get referred to the CRS or straight away to the Disability Employment Agency?
hi Nathan - it's great you're planning your studies and working towards that. Things will get better, and you're doing everything you can so try to be nice to yourself and appreciate yourself.
Hopefully the people doing the assessment will recognise you need support - I was suprised one time because my doctor signed me off for 6 months, but I had to go for an assessment with the benefits doctor. I thought he'd be really difficult, but he was really easy to talk to and ended up extending the 6 months to 18 months so I had time to pick myself up without the pressure of another assessment. So some of them are OK...
Hang in there Nathan, it will get better. You never know, you could go for the assesment and have the most understanding person in the place who says its silly for you to even think of looking for work until you are better.
Or the reason that you wife doesn't leave you could be because you are the most precious person in the world to her and she truly loves you.
Different organisations never work well together, and they always seem to make it difficult for the people who are under the most stress. But try to keep calm and just repeat that the other people are taking care of it, and if possible keep notes so you can tell them days and times that phonecalls/meetings took place.
Also two months without the blade is an awesome achievement, you can do this.
thanks for the replies. i my assessment is on tuesday unless they decide to cancel it on the last minute. i went through all this almost a year ago and centrelink sent me to crs but crs said they were too busy and referred me to another organization which were absolutely useless. i'm hoping centrelink refer me to crs or a disability employment agency but i guess it's up to them. i'm still so scared i'm going to end up in panic centrelink generally aren't too friendly either. i guess it would be frustrating if you worked there and saw people abusing the system all the time so it would be hard for them to be compassionate towards those of us who are on benefits. it's certainly not stress free living that many people think. we only have the basics and rarely do we have money left after bills are paid. sometimes we are smart with our money and can put a little bit away here and there but then something happens like the car breaks down or whatever and you're back to being broke again. i'm really terrified i'm going to have another panic attack. my last big one went for over one and a half hours
Do you have a counsellor or a pysch you see? Do you see anyone to help you with this? Can you give even Lifeline or something a call? Call A&E and ask to speak to someone in Mental Health? I dunno... wish I could help =(
i'm panicking today. i got the call from centrelink and my appointment is definately on tomorrow. i know that tomorrow is going to end up in a panic attack. and there is still the wait to see if they will even let me keep the pension. without it i'm ****ed and i know that if it does happen then i will definately succeed in my next attempt. can't talk to anyone because my counsellor is away for another week. mental health teams here are useless to me. they only ever keep me in for a couple of days then let me go and when i get home i'm usually more unsafe than when i went in. can't stop this stupid anxiety. and my wife has my anti anxiety meds....she's convinced i will od again. i don't know what the hell to do, i'm so worried.
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
.gif "blue")
