hello again....(trig for psychosis/thoughts *graphic*)
Hello all. I'm sorry i disappeared for awhile. I just....i couldnt talk to anyone but one dear friend. Everyone else i let slip away...how horrible of me, i know. I'm so sorry...
And now i'm going to expect some support after disappearing and giving no help for so long....I'm sorry. I talked to my dear angel about this and it made me feel better to finally tell someone, it's been hell and i'm very scared.
I keep being told by the damn voice to ...oh ****...ok...*deep breath*....to start hurting and killing ppl; to run away from my family and then break into houses and kill whoever i find there, except the kids. But the voice says i may need to kill kids eventually.
To carve the ppl up and really do damage, to cut out eyes and tongues...and i'll stop now, but there's nmoer, lots more. I see it in my head. All these ppl dying and me killing them, doing unspeakable things to them.
It used to just be telling me to hurt myself, which i could deal with. This?? No. I just can't.
I would kill myself before ever hurting anyone, i really would.
I see the doc in less than an hour and hubby is taking me (i havent told him, it would worry him too much!) and im going to try like hell to tell the doc. I'm scared he'll think i need hospital or something, and i DON'T!. But i'm going back on meds. I have been off all meds since about september-ish. They were doing nothing but made me gain on the 2 AP's and that was all....i think this is all triggered by being on no meds ...i hope so anyways because thati can fix even tho it will take awhile.
I just...i guess i just needed it out of my head and to tell ppl who understand or who have maybe had similar...?
Just a hug would be nice
I missed you all so much, but i started feeling i didnt belong.
One good thing, i havent seriously harmed since last feb., when i broke my shoulder, so almost a year. But i did cut and od in september (thats when i quit the pills as i took all of them!), but still that's almost 4 months so im happy for that.
Romp darling I am glad to hear from you, been thinking of you wondering how you were. I just really wish things weren't so bad for you, I can't begin to imagine how incrediby hard this is for you.
You really do need to tell your doc, please be honest with him. Print this thread out and show him what you have written if that makes it any easier but I think it is really important you tell him. You don't have to go this alone, you can and will get through this. You are a fighter so I know you can get through this.
Take care and know that I am here if you ever need someone to talk/vent to.
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
firstly well done for the 4 months! thats fantastic!
secondly, i agree with Kat, if you are willing to tell your doc bout these thoughts then print out the post so you have it to hand if you cant find the words.
i am sure this is just a result of having no meds for a while and hopefully your doc will prescribe something that suits you. have you asked about alternatives that dont make you gain?
the thoughts are just that, thoughts. they arent you. because they are there doesnt mean you will act on them or make you a bad person for having them, they are just thoughts. uncontollable yes, but they do not define you. from what i have seen here you are an amazing friend to everyone here, you deserve to be helped but it starts with you, please tell your doc everything *hugs*
stay safe
Scarlett xxx
You need to tell the doctor Romp. 4 months is really great and just because you are honest does not mean they will definitely hospitalise you. Please be truthful, because you deserve a life free or at least less interrupted from all this crap. Honesty may mean they give you the extra help, support or med change to get this. Please take care x
Thank you all for your support and taking the time for me, it means alot )
well...i couldnt say it so i gave him this post...and....nothing.
he only said 'well there such a thing as de-personaliztion/derealizatipon' and that was it. I told him i KNEW of both and that it was NOT that, this is a voice , in my head, totally different form mine in every way....he eventually agreed to put me back on haldol as i had this years ago and it helped and also the hospital puts me on it. so maybe....but nothing for anxiety; 'tough it out till next thursday (next appt, sooner if i have to), no AD....for a doc who used to throw pills at me i wonder why the turnabout? not that i WANT the other, its just odd, and makes me think he is against me too, that he too wants to destroy me.
and in the disappointment of that, i forgot about the sleeping not working andf nnever mentioned them...stupid.
so i guess iwill make another appt earlier, like tomorrow if i can and tell him NO i cant wait, i HAVE been waiting and off AA's for months and i cant do it anymore.
i wonder if he'll care.
My head is telling me to find another doc....he is stuck on BPD (borderline) yet everytime i see a psych in IP they say the same, bipolar and dysthymia and/or double depression...yet he is fixated on BPD...which i just cant accept...it just leaves too many holes in the dx you know? Yes i fit some of them, but so do lots of ppl who dont have it. Sadly i believe it has become a catch-all dx....
so all that for possibly nothing.
I have written another letter, saying all this basically and will try for another appt.
Funny, i used to be against meds but i know i need now and then once im more stable i want to try the OP program at the hospital again....but i cant do it like this, no way!
So if you dont mind wishing me a lil luck (yet again, sorry).
I'll update if anyone is interested....
romp
*offers hugs* thank for the update; I'm sorry that your doctor wasn't overly helpful. I hope you are able to get in to an earlier appointment. Let us know how things go.
Take care!
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
4 month is incredible, don't you forget that! I agree, stupid doctor. You need to keep trying to get the help you need and deserve. I understand what you mean by the whole drugs thing, for me it's an acceptance that I'm not coping by myself but am getting more used to it as the APs I am on (not for psychosis but for my impulsivenes, sh and sleep) have actually helped. I know I am still low but I am more able to resist the ODs etc and my sh has lessened. There's nothing wrong with accepting that you need meds to help support you and make you more stable. Recognising that and taking the step to get them is really positive as it means you are still trying. *hugs*
Keep updating us hun.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Actually i dont really mind having to take the meds, well sometimes i go thru that 'why' and 'i hate them' period but if im on the right meds then i dont mind, it just is you know?
Well, i managed to call my psych to see about med refills and he said i have to see him first, so i see him on monday *gulp*. But i asked for just a 1/2 hour appt, not an hour. I think i can manage that. I may give him the letter/post but i dont know. I just hate how the AP's add so much weight. i just got out of a year + of anorexia, ending it out with a broken shoulder because i was so thin FFS so i cant handle weight gain. i gained off the last one he tried me on (seroquel) and havent managed to lose it yet. How much harder and longer it is doing it the 'right ' way! I just want to stop eating again for a few months but i'm trying not to go down that road again, i was lucky to get out of it so easily. (dea, i'm thinking of you here...i miss you girl! ALOT! and i worry about you! Gonna PM)
So i will update after i see him. One good thing, he agrees that i am not just BPD, which i know im not and HE knows im not, which the last doc is trying to ram down my throat and make me fit the DX of it. It's a situation of , 'dont confuse me with the facts, my mind is made up'. Asshole!
So, thanks again. I muchly appreciate the support :o)
I am really really glad you have contacted your psych and you are being honest and fighting for the right treatment etc. Not good with words tonight but thinking of you and very proud of you too x
Can empathise with the whole weight gain thing. I have been slowly gaining this past year (was too underweight at end of 2007) but think I have put on an amount quite rapidly since starting since the quetiapine (seroquel) a few months ago. However, I know I'm actually a healthier weight so need to start back running etc to make myself happier with my body - more toned rather than less weight. I understand how difficult it is to do it "the right way" but also understand, as do you, how quickly cutting a little of this out here and there can spiral out of control.
Hope your psych appt goes well on Monday.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I hope it goes well for you. At least it sounds like the psych doesn't have his head up his ass! The other doc could have been told not to give out so many drugs, or it could be part of a new regime in healthcare in your area. But he's still a twonk.
Take care Love
Hugs you!
Loz x
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