UPDATED Just tried to email surgery counsellor *feel wobbly,bad about it - hard for me*

[Sleepless123]

Well as the title says really.

i have just emailled the surgery counsellor [who also does private work] the following letter.But now ive done it i feel really wobbly and bad about having done it.A large part of me says i should cope alone and certainly should not actively seek help.This was so hard for me...but now i almost feel like ive let myself down.

im confused right now.im scared.

i cant believe ive just done this.

What was i doing?

i shouldnt have sent this should i?

i really shouldnt have.



Hi

i am really sorry for bothering you and i hope that you dont mind me contacting you. I have been very worried about sending you this.

But i write as i would like your advice on how to continue going about trying to get support for my current situation.

I think that on 23 rd May 2008 or around that time Dr A from [name of GP Surgery] referred me to you. When i hadnt heard anything by July i went back on the 15 th and saw Dr B and she ensured me i would hear from you soon. Then i also saw Dr B again on Christmas Eve and she said the referral would be placed in your tray for you to look at as an urgent referral incase you had not received the first one.

As you can imagine after all this i was rather shocked to open my post this morning and find a letter asking if i wanted to be put on the counselling waiting list - i thought i had been since May!

I am not sure if you didnt receive the refferral or i didnt receive your letter and it really doesnt matter now but clearly things didnt quite work out somewhere between us!

Anyhow i realise that you probably cannot see me very quickly through the surgery now as obviously you are busy and i will have gone to the back of the list.

i am not greatly in a position to be able to afford private therapy - as i am disabled and only manage to work part time but i was wondering if it is gonna take a long time for me to be seen via the NHS if maybe i could start seeing you perhaps as a private client until the NHS referral goes through or something like that perhaps?Sorry to be difficult!

I saw your website when i have been struggling a lot recently and was considering what to do and noticed you are probably also the surgery counsellor concerned!

I am not really sure what to do but am struggling quite a bit at present as the nurse who also sees me from the mental health team every two to three weeks has now been off sick since October too so i dont have much support right now and am really beginning to struggle a bit! It was originally her idea for me to be referred to you as a supplement to the support she was providing ironically. i feel and believe very strongly that i should cope alone and therefore i am even very angry for sending this to you now - but i also realise that i need to.

I am sorry that i have rambled on and this email is meant in no way at all to criticise you or the surgery or anything like that - i am just trying to figure out where to go from here and not doing a very good job working this out alone!

Anyhow no matter what your reply to this i will of course return the form to the surgery. Though i hope it is ok if i enlarge it as i am disabled and find it easier to do things in large print. i hope this isnt a problem?

i hope this email finds you well.

Kind regards
sleepless123

[Kija]

i think thats really brave of you sending that, i'm going through a similar state of mind at the moment, after texting my OT to get re-referred to her and my mentle health team. i now have an appointment on thursday. i wish i had never sent that text, but i know i needed to.
no advice sorry.
hugs xxx

[star runner]

well done you - i think you have been very brave and done exactly the right thing. I hope it all works out for you and that you get the support you need.

[Sleepless123]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

im feeling weak physically and worried and scared emotionally but im ok.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

The email you sent is really good. It explains your concerns and even suggests constructive ways forward. Hope you receive a reply soon.

[xbeckyx]

*gentle hugs*
I'm really proud of you for sending this hun, hope you know that :)
I know it was a big/hard step for you to take.
xxx

[Sleepless123]

Hi.Thanks both of you and yes it was very hard to do.

i have not received any response so far [and am not sure that i really expect to anyway] and didnt make it to work today cos i was feeling so physically ill again.Scared.

But its ok really.

[xbeckyx]

It is okay hun, it will be :)
Doctors or insanely busy at the best of times, he will reply as soon as he can I'm sure. You did amazing emailing him and I'm so so so pleased you did.
*hugs* Sorry you're still feeling ill, make sure you relax today and odn't overdo it. Rest will do you some good.
x

[Sleepless123]

Yep i know they are busy.Thats ok.

But i cant rest.i am worried sick about how things are going for me.

[xbeckyx]

Can you go into more detail?(sorry brain shutting down again Dx)
In a way hun it's good you are worried, it shows there is still a part of you that wants to keep going. Please cling to that.
x

[Sleepless123]

Maybe.But i dont think its gonna be enough.

i managed to go to work today.....and got told i probably really shouldnt have come back still seeming quite unwell.

And the surgery counsellor hasnt replied.

[Sleepless123]

im sorry for posting again.

im not really doing too well again today not that it matters.

i was over an hour late for work this morning.Probably due to the large amount i took last night.

i am so scared im gonna lose my job cos of my haphazardous sleeping pattern and the overdosing.

Today they have moved my hours most days to start/finish one hour later but ive no clue if thats gonna help or not cos everything is so haphazardous with me right now.

Its not that i need more sleep than other people.Most of the time i really really struggle with sleep and the nights can be the most distressing time for me often.In general in fact i would say i probably get less sleep than other people.Just that when i do end up eventually managing to sleep its often the wrong time or whatever.

And the tablets seem to effect me differently at different times too and i think that plays into all of this......what i have done to myself at the time and how my body takes it as to whether i manage to be with things and the world physically or not.

i just never know.i just never know whats gonna happen next with me anymore.Even i dont understand me anymore.

They are only changing some of the hours cos they think im unwell right now and recovering and must simply need more rest - they dont have much idea of my mental health problems and certainly not the extent of them though.

But i feel so bad and so so ashamed and all theyve done is be nice and in a way that just makes me feel even worse.......especially when they dont really know whats going on.

The surgery counsellor hasnt replied to my email.So now ive sent the counselling availablility form back to the surgery with a copy of the email and also a covering letter which i have printed out a slightly edited version of below ie without including personal details etc too much.

im panicking about this now too and just feel like such a bad person for everything and all that has happened especially with my work and family.

i am such such a bad person.i wanted this, i couldnt ask for more - a job i love, slowly getting my family back [shame im not living locally to them but at least im communicating with them, we are rebuilding our relationship] i really couldnt have asked for more and now, and now i just feel like im gonna lose it all.

THE LETTER

This is a copy of the letter i sent to the surgery counsellor along with a copy of the email i sent [which i dont think he received] and the form they asked me to fill in re availability and asking if i wanted to be put on the 3 - 4 month waiting list i thought id been on since last May lol!

Also sorry i dont know why the letter has come out in a different font to the post. It just has sorry!

My address
My telephone number
My email

Date: 14/01/2009

Dear [insert name of GP surgery counsellor who sent me form]

Thankyou for your correspondence.

I enclose the completed form regarding availability for the counselling service at [insert name of medical centre here].

Apologies that this and my letter are in large print. However due to my disability I find it easier to do things this way and I hope that this is ok.

I also enclose a copy of an email I attempted to send to you on 12/01/09 via [insert email address] and also via your website regarding this referral and also the other private non NHS counselling service that you also offer.

I hope these will be of use to you.

However since this time my situation has continued to deteroiate further and I am also concerned that I may risk losing my job if I do not manage better with things soon.

Thank you for your time and correspondence.

Please do not hesitate to contact me by letter, phone [please note if you ring you may need to leave a message – I cant often answer the phone as I suffer from anxiety but do ring people back if a message is left] or by email.

And I hope to hear from you shortly.

Yours sincerely




sleepless123

[Life and Lies]

*hugs* i think you did exactly the right thing emailing, you explained very clearly

i'm sorry there isnt more i can do to help, but i hope they get in touch soon

[Misunderstood.]

I think you have been really really brave by reaching out for help. I know you feel like you should cope alone but I'm glad the part of you that knows you deserve help at this point overid that.
I hope that you hear back ASAP!!
Of course it matters that you don;t feel you're doing well! (hugs)
Have you considered that perhaps taking time off work atm would do you good, just to ease pressure a little..
Now that you've admitted outspokenly that you are struggling, you should focus on your MH by taking time for you to recieve the support when it comes and put everything into recovering from being unwell.

Just my thoughts.

Hang in there hon, you're clearly a fighter even though it may not feel that way & I'm just a PM away if you need someone to talk to.

Catherine
x x x x

[Sleepless123]

Hi thanks everyone.No it doesnt matter that im not doing well......its why dont we just let her struggle.

Well yeah clearly.

Well stuff it you know what i agree.

At least that way i dont get hurt and if i die i die.

See what i mean??

Maybe not but i do anyway.





RESPONSE FROM SURGERY COUNSELLOR

Hello,

Thank you for your email and letter which I received today. Unfortunately, I received the referral from the GP on the 7th January 2009 so I'm not quite sure what happened to the referral you mentioned in May 2008.

There are quite clear guidelines for referral to the practice counsellor since the service is time limited (6 sessions). It does seem from the GP referral letter that you would be better served by a referral to the CMHT and that practice based counselling would not be safe or suitable for your needs.

I will discuss this with Dr W today and perhaps you could make an appointment with him to discuss this too as soon as you are able.

I wish you all the best,
Yours sincerely,

Practice counsellor






i am already under the CMHT.It is them who repeatedly suggested some time ago that i should be under the GP practice counsellor.That is what we have been waiting for.......mind you they forgotten me too for the past three months so what do we expect!

Its a case of shes so ill so we will just let her struggle and pass the buck.

Well let me die then.....and stop telling me to get help only to do this to me when im doing the right thing by sitting quietly and dying anyway!

Its really frustrating!Leave me alone!!

Argh!

[xbeckyx]

The idiots! (careful censoring there)
*big hugs*
Can you get your CPN next time you talk to her to talk to him?
It does matter you are struggling hun, a lot! I'm here if you need me.
x

[star runner]

just wanted to say i think you've been very brave in trying to sort out some support for yourself. You are worth it - everybody is! I think you are being failed by servces at the moment. I do hope you can manage to see your dr or contact your cpn and explain truthfully how bad things are for you at the minute and that they can come up ith some way of helping you through this bad time.
I'm glad work are being supportive. It is a testament to your abilities that they are trying to support you in your working routine - you are obviously a valued member of staff who they want to keep. take care x

[Sleepless123]

Hey i just wanted to say thanks again for the replies to what ive written.Its really helpful.

And im sorry my last response was not very constructive and was quite rushed.i was about to catch a train home to my parents/family for the weekend without access to RYL and at the time of posting i was also rather upset.Many apologies.

i just despair of services sometimes but i dont really feel that they are failing me right now cos i know deep down and think i have known for quite a while there is very little they or anyone can do for me now.

There pretty much can only be one conclusion here.Its just the way my situation is.

And also i dont really see the point in going back to the GP especially right now - i am already under the CMHT right now and i see no more that can be done.

And the surgery counsellor has clearly made his decision and nothings gonna change that and i kind of think i understand that a bit more right now even if it still hurts.

Also thanks Lostthewaye for suggesting before about me possibly taking time off work right now.i thought about this but had two weeks off cos of my mental health last March and dont really feel able to take more time off right now.

Also though i really struggle a lot at times my job also helps me a lot.

Regarding my CPN she is currently still off sick.

Another patient tells me though that she is due back now on the 26 th Jan and so am really hoping that that will definitely happen and also want to thank that other person from RYL for becoming such a great friend to me recently too!

Your friendship has meant so much and your support has been invaluable.

i hope we can continue to talk even when the CPN does get back.

However it also seems that my GP did contact the mental health team after i saw her struggling on Christmas eve about that i hadnt been seen since my CPN went off in October despite that im meant to be seen every two to three weeks!

And they have just now got round to sending me another appointment for a different CPN for the 26 th January......the date we are now hoping my CPN will be back.

i am going to have to change the appointment probably anyway as it is during work time but now i dont know whether to go ahead and see this other woman or just to wait for my usual CPN and see if she does get back that date.....though also knowing she wont be able to see all her clients at once when she first gets back so maybe i should still try and see the other one just at a different time maybe [ie out of work].....then at least i will have someone to see even if she doesnt manage to come back....or needs more time to settle in and see other people........

....oh i really dont know!

Also i wish i was a valuable staff member to my work.But i think i could only be a burden to them like now.Like everyone.My work are going out of their way to help me and i just see myself continuing to let them down again and again.

They deserve better than this.Better than me.

Aside from this i got back from my parents tonight to find a note tucked in my letterbox [rather than dropping through to the floor] dated Wednesday saying an international parcel had arrived and had been taken to the local post office for me to collect.

That is likely to be my **** amount of tablets arriving from my last order.

See every time i fail but i need them so much.

And things like this just make me hate myself and also my disability even more.

And my disability doesnt usually get me down.But...

...That notes been there since Wednesday.....and i hadnt seen it.

These things dont happen to other people!

But i just feel inadequate in so many different ways right now.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I can't think of anything to say really other than sorry. It's stupid. Apparently 6 sessions is quite a normal cut-off point from what I have heard between discussions between my psych and cpn so they are referring me to a specialist place outside my area.

Are there any out of area psychotherapy places. It seems that counselling wouldn't be the thing for me. I don't quite get it but counselling and psychotherapy are quite different.

I know how frustrating it can be. Honestly. Finally received psychotherapy questionnaire due to **** up with cpn. I am scare that they won't accept me for the individual therapy as they ask about last OD, sh, alcohol abuse etc.

I also struggle with my job but Know it is beneficial despite the fact not being able to get there all the time. Re you being a burden, I bet you aren't. I have been off so much the last year but they still want me and even accommodated me eith a request for a step back. To put it bluntly, if they didn't value they would find a way of getting rid of you but they haven't; they really do value you.

Glad your cpn is due back. You've prob seen my post re my cpn. I understand how hard it is when this is your outlet and it doesn't exist or is snatched away from you for so long.

Sorry, rambling because of being so hyper and voices.

Basically, I think it is amazing how you keep fighting and asking for things that will help. That takes real courage and strength to get up and keep asking when being knocked back.

I'll reply with a more sensible answeer when my head isn't buzzing quite so much.

Take care

*hugs*

YOU ARE NOT INADEQUATE - REMEMEBER THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sleepless123]

Hi thanks so much for replying and yes you are very right it has felt very hard when my CPN has been away in some ways though im not sure why.

In some other ways its probably made it easier for me to drift and think maybe eventually i will end up dead though and part of me has just been going along with that, not asking for help, just allowing myself to go further and further off the rails knowing i need to die.

But i have missed her an awful lot and things have gone significantly downhill while she has not been around.

The support she gives me is very valuable.

i do feel im inadequate though.

At the very least.

To be honest right now i dont know why but i just keep thinking of the image of someone finding eventually and trying to take out of my flat all the black bags of empty tablet boxes ive got and struggling to carry them and coming back for more and more.

And then i think.....well what would they think of me then.

And i think inadequate is the least bad thing they would think of me.Inadequate would be positive compared to what i think theyd probably think along the lines of though im not quite sure what that would be....

But inadequate would be the least bad thing they would be thinking of me.........they would be thinking worse than that.

Thats what scares me but i know its true.

i dont know why i keep thinking of that image.

Probably cos it scares me....what would they think of me, what would they do with me then?If that happened?

Not really a question for anyone to answer, if they dont want to.Just my thoughts.