Triggering (Suicide) - How do I know when to quit work/quit life?

one_step_closer · 06-07-2007, 03:05 PM

I think i've gotten beyond the point where I am willing to continue struggling through 'life.' I'm finding it difficult to cope with most things now, work being the worst of them. The person who I get on with the most has left, the other people I get on with don't usually work when I do. Now i'm left with constantly working with someone who ignores me for most of the shift which makes it drag on and gives me time to think negatively, and the other person makes sure that she sells the most deals and will fight for them if she has to.

This is just a part time job, I actually don't even need the money. My problem is that I don't want to quit because then I won't be learning how to hold down a job. I know that I could probably look for another job but I don't have the energy. I have tried to quit before but I got really upset when the adverts went out for someone to take 'my' job so I just told my boss that things had been sorted out. That time I used the fact that my Dad is ill as a sort of excuse.

My boss knows that I have depression and reduced my hours for a while but now she doesn't bother. I don't want to tell her about my problems with the other employees. I have spoken to other people who work with me and they have the same problems as me with the other employees but it doesn't seem to bother them. They can quite happily pretend that they are on their own when no one talks to them. I have tried bringing in a book but my concentration isn't so good.

I don't want to go through the hassle of telling my boss that i'm going to quit, again. It was really stressful before, but things are stressful right now. I don't have enough holiday time left to take a break. I only work 3-4 days a week, but most days are a countdown to the next time I have to work, so it comes really quickly.

On top of all this i'm just not happy. Nothing is getting better and I am trying everything that I can think of to fight this negativity. I am seeing a counsellor, psychiatrist, i'm on antidepressants, i'm doing online CBT and numerous self help stuff, i'm being referred to a psychologist and a self esteem group, I eat healthily, exercise, don't sleep too much or too little, i'm almost 1 month self harm free. But all of these things are so external, I feel terrible inside.

I don't think that I can cope with this feeling for much longer, I've put up with it for just over 5 years and my fight isn't working. My serious plan of action is to ask my counsellor for advice on who else I could ask for support, and if I see nothing getting better then I am going to sit my family down and tell them that i'll set a getting better limit and after that, if I have made no progress, I will kill myself. I know that I could set a date, kill myself, and then the next day things would maybe be better for me but i'm willing to take that risk. I can't stand this pain any longer.

Sorry for the length of this post, thank you to anyone who has read it.

guiltyinnocence · 06-07-2007, 04:59 PM

*hugs*
it seems like you're going through alot of pain right now
hy dont you explain your situation to your boss, explain everything you've just told us
it sounds like you're fighting really hard, sounds a good idea for you to talk to your counsellor, maybe tell them that you dont see things improving
we're all here for you
stay safe
xxxx

Dannerus_Maximus · 06-07-2007, 07:44 PM

I'm really sorry that things have been so difficult for you. It takes a special person to be able to hold on and keep fighting in the face of the thought that things just aren't getting any better. It sounds to me that your workplace is just a feeding ground for your negativity. I know that you might not feel energetic enough to get another job or perhaps feel guilty about talking to your boss, but your safety is more important. It is worth at least telling your boss about it, I think. And if your boss doesn't do anything, I don't think I would be able or willing to put up with it, especially if it is feeding your hopelessness. I know what that can be like. When you're feeling depressed and your workplace makes it even worse, it can be hell.

It sounds to me that you are a very strong person and have made the right steps on the road to recovery. You are doing some great things. You just have to hold on and keep fighting. I know life can be overwhelming and an easy way out may sound appealing, but knowing that you can get better.... that all this could end if you just hang on, is a very good reason to hold on. I think it would be very good of you to let all of this out to your counselor and see what he/she thinks about it. I think that perhaps you should consider joining a self-help group where you and others like you discuss your problems. I know it can help and offer some reassurance when you realize that you aren't alone. That's why I find RYL to be so rewarding and helpful. As guiltyinnocence said above, we are all here for you.

You deserve to be happy, and I know you will find happiness. You are still in control. You have the power to change everything. I believe in you. Good luck to you, and I'll be thinking about you. *hugs*

lostdoll · 06-07-2007, 07:58 PM

Right missus, you aren't going aaaaaaaaanywhere.

You need to make a point of sitting down and speaking to your boss about how unhappy you are within it. I mean, there are factors of the job itself that are making you unhappy - and it just isn't on, because nobody deserves to be unhappy. See if you could change your hours at all or your shifts. Say that you're having a problem working alongside X and see how that goes. If more than one of you in the team are having a problem with X, words could be said to them. Some people just do not have great communication skills or team work skills at all. It's worth a try hun, it's an option. Speak up!

I think that what you really need to do is take things one day at a time. Forget about countdowns to work, forget about life countdowns. You don't know what's ahead of you, how circumstances can change. Deal with life one day at a time! Enjoy your days off work, really relax or do something fun on your days off. No point putting them to waste.

You're doing really well, you're holding on in there and I think that's admirable. But you can't just give up. Where's the fun in that, ye know? Life's a big challenge, it'll keep throwing things at you, but you cannot let it get you down. There are good things ahead m'dear. Something is going to work for you at some stage down the line.

I mean, are those anti-Ds really working for you? See about changing them if they aren't. Is your counsellor no good? See about changing them. Keep covering your options and cover them once again. Because suicide is just not an option.

Speak up about your unhappiness to your counsellor/therapist. They're there for a reason, may as well get the use out of them! I definitely think that something isn't right, that your anti-Ds aren't doing the trick or something. You shouldn't have to feel unhappy, suicide should not even enter your head. *hugs tightly*

Perservere for definite. Do not give up, because it just isn't worth it. You're doing so well this far, struggle on for a bit longer. Good things await m'dear.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where I'm at.
Stay strong
xo

Paperdreams. · 06-07-2007, 08:06 PM

Hey,

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low at the moment. You shouldn’t have to work with people who ignore you; that must be really hard. Is there any way you could speak to your boss and change who you work with or the shifts that you do? Although, at the end of the day, if it’s not the job for you, then it’s not the job for you. Although it’s only part time, it still must be taking up quite a big part of your life, and if you’re not enjoying what you’re doing then that means being unhappy for quite a lot of the time.

If you’re worried about not finding another job, then before you quit your current one you could find another one first. That way, you won’t be stuck jobless for too long. I can understand you saying that you need to learn how to hold down a job, but you’ve still got the rest of your life for that. :) It just seems that there’s not much point in doing a job that you don’t enjoy, and if it’s making you feel like this then there’s probably not much point in carrying it on.

I’m glad to hear that you are doing a lot to try and fight this, and when you do finally beat this then I know it’ll be such a great sense of achievement. A month self harm free is absolutely amazing, keep going - I know you can do this. We’ll all be here for you if you ever need support along the way.

I know five years seems like an extremely long time to be going through this, and it is, but it’s not as long as the time you’ll spend being happy after you get through this. In a years’ time, you could be looking back on this as just a bad experience, there’s nothing to say that you’ll spend all your life dealing with it. You said it yourself; you could kill yourself, and then the next day maybe things would have been better. You said you would take the risk, but is it really worth putting your family and friends through that if you know yourself that things could get better? They’d be distraught. I’m sure you’ve already read them, but just in case there’s two really good threads to read here, & here.

It sounds like you do really want to fight this, I really admire you for that. Take good care of yourself. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

xo

one_step_closer · 11-07-2007, 11:48 AM

Sorry to bump this, I just don't know what to do any more. I'm edging closer towards the suicide option over 'life'. I am going to talk it through with my counsellor tomorrow, i'm a little worried about what he'll have to do if I tell him that I am seriously considering suicide.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Please don't read this if you are suicidal at all

bleedingdragon · 12-07-2007, 02:24 AM

sorry its long please bear with me.

Hey dont be sorry about bumping your own post,
Hugs,

I hear you right now about not knowing what to do, and i hear you too
about edging more towards suicide, hugs you. I have some understanding of what you might be feeling, i have an anniversary well its today as its 1:58am hmm. today i tried to end my life . Its a scary place to be in your life right now. I truly hope you can find reasons and the strength for getting through your dark time. I hope you find the hope your searching for.

Its such a brave thing for you to talk it through today with your counsellor i wish you success in finding strength and hope, I hear you too right now about fearing what your counsellor will do if you are truthfull about your intended suicide.
Hugs u,

Im sure if you can be open, they will listen without judgement
and give you the space to be yourself. And allow you to talk openly about your feelings and fears. They should offer you a supporting hand in what you want to do. My counsellor was so understanding
and offered me extra support by ringing my dr with my permission
and i was supported by the crisis team. Its up to you how your counsellor helps you. As your counsellor is there to support you the way you want them to. He/she wont drag you off anywhere you dont want to go and anything shared will be strictly confidential between you and your counsellor.

I hear you too about, although you have low points you allways get through, that is a positive and i hope you can hold onto that fact.
But yes too you say, the low points allways come back,and its tiring for you, its hard when we hit another low point, i know how that feels, I hear you about not wanting to live with them. Maybe you can talk it through with your counsellor, i hope you do and please let us know if you can how you get on.

I too want to not, keep going through the low points, i hope you can manage to change the way you handle the low points , and somehow change the way you deal with the low points. You really need as much care and support from people around you while you manage your difficult times. I hope you have someone who understands you and can offer support to you until your life changes enough to help you feel
stronger and can see a way through.
I care about you and people here at ryl do please keep leaning on us
when you can.

I hope you can stay around and get your life back, please keep posting
you support so many people here and come across as such a caring
supportive person who deserves to find the purpose in your life.

please kep talking, we are here
take care
Dave

one_step_closer · 13-07-2007, 01:02 PM

I can't suffer any longer, there is no way out of this. No one, not even myself, seems to be able to give me any idea of what I need to do to feel better. I can't change what is inside of me, I have to kill it along with myself.

My counsellor will be off during the next two weeks, I don't see my psychiatrist for another 5 months and she doesn't listen anyway, all my doctor wants to do is medicate me which doesn't help at all.

As much as I don't want to leave my brother to go through things on his own, I don't have the strength to continue to put up with this pain. It's too much. Yes, of course i'd rather live a better life than die, but that better life doesn't seem to be achievable. I'd do almost anything to help myself through this, but i've run out of ideas.

What did I do to get here? All I want to do with my life is to be able to help other people, I really want to become a counsellor and i'm almost finished uni so i'd be starting training soon. I'm not strong enough for that, dream shattered.

Paperdreams. · 13-07-2007, 07:41 PM

There is a way out of this, there's always a way out. It sounds like you're going through a really, really rough time and I know you're struggling, but please, don't give up.

Is there any way you can ask to see a different psychiatrist, if the one you've got at the moment isn't listening? As you said, you don't want to leave your brother on his own, in it together, yeah? Sorry, I can't remember if you mentioned it before - are you on medication at all? I really hope things improve for you - I know you said you've run out of ideas, but that doesn't mean that there's no other way out.

I'm sorry you're finding things hard at the moment, but I *know* you can get through this. Your dreams aren't shattered. They'll only get shattered if you let them. Keep going, keep trying, and you'll make it. As you said yourself, you've made it through uni - don't let that all go to waste. I honestly believe in you.

Take care of yourself. xo