Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I'm scared *also trig alcohol?

[Living Dead Girl]

I dont quite know where to start with this. I'll start at the end i guess. On New Years Eve i got very very drunk and almost ended my relationship, had a si slip and contemplated suicide. The si is actually the least of these problems for once! the cuts are superficial and will all but disappear, its the rest of it. ive always suffered from depression and have made several suicide attempts (clearly im rubbish at that too) but ive been off antidepressants for nearly 4 years (apart from a brief occasion in september) and suicidal thoughts were athing of the past, but over the last 18 months its been creeping back in. ive had slips with si (all alcohol related), i have horrific arguments with my gf were i say horrible things to her that i really dont mean, and worse of all, i keep thinking how it would be better for everyone if i wasnt here. i have no living family, my gf is all i have and i love her more than anything but i hate what i put her through. in september i went back on ad's but they had no effect and as i was set against going back on them long term the gp suggested going down the gynae route to see if there is any link to my cycle. so i came off the ad's and had a coil fitted to stop my periods. the problem is that it can take up to a year to work!! and things are definietely worse now. im finding it so hard to get up in the morning, im ready to quit my job and i now have to try to stop drinking to try to save my relationship. it all feels too much. and now the suicide thoughts are creeping in sober. im too scared to go back to my gp incase a) they think im overreacting or b) they try to put me on ad's again. there is so much more to this story but i dont think i can get too deep into it. plus i doubt anyone will have even read to the end!! if you did, thank you for listening xxxx

[ravynsoul]

*offers hugs*

Please keep fighting, it wouldn't be better for everyone if you weren't here.

I think going to your GP would be wise.. you could tell them how you are scared about going on AD's and maybe they can try something else. But I think it would be wise to tell them what's going on so they can help you with the depression and suicidal thoughts [which I know are not fun and can be quite draining energy-wise and emotional-wise]

Take care!

[Misunderstood.]

Perhaps you could try a different anti depressant meanwhile and once you find one that works just take it to pick up your mood for a short while then stop it once your mood has been lifted out of despair.
Or.. is there anything environmental / situational which is bringing you down which you could change to stop you feeling so depressed?

there are options. x x x x

[Living Dead Girl]

im still trying to let the hormones kick in from this coil so i dont really want to mess round with ad's too, im finding it so hard to get up in the mornings, and when i do i just here till the last possible second before i HAVE to get ready for work (which is also getting more difficult to deal with as i ironically work in a gp surgery). im just crying all the time and i have no energy or motivation. im sick of it all, im just a pathetic mess

[Living Dead Girl]

and now i am sat waiting for my lift to work and im verging on a panic attack. i dont know how long i keep this up for

[Bitter_Angel]

You are doing well. But it might be a good idea to speak to your doctor about these problems. they might be able to help. Even some talking therapy where you can get all this out might help to benefit your mood.
Also keeping a mood diary on a site like patients like me can help monitor if there is anything effecting your mood. Also remember that alcohol is a depressant and so it will make you feel more depresed in the long run.