*1/13/09 update on update* **TRIG** i have stepped out of my mind for a while...*major si trig*
minor damage is all i remind myself...
major damage is what i am headed for.
I cant get the positiviness to come back...i triggered my self (last week???) now i have gone into overdrive....i work with box cutters at work now with the new position. i hear them calling my name... i bought one to keep with me.... only thing holding me back is the cameras positioned in the warehouse. easy slip.. yes, but are they watching? go behind...no one can hear me...
must slice it open again... deep...deep... want to find the vein beneath the fat. He hasnt seen my fresh wound yet. I can make it bigger....deeper...
I cant say what i want to say....so make myself scream with red....stream running...scream with flesh open...scream like i want to be heard....
tonight...the perfect time... scream when the new year runs into the old...it is calling me... i am coming...i am coming my friend...
i scream in pain....i scream i am out of my mind......does anyone see me scream???
Rain...is out of her mind right now...feeling the pressure of life pushing... trying to make sense... all is good... all is great... why do i feel the need to "scream"
screaming on my wrist letting the red flow... maybe i will have someone listen that i am not right.
*crying*
Rain
Last edited by Rain Keeper : 13-01-2009 at 03:18 PM.
spent part of the day in ER as they needed to be stiched...i forgot the rush...the release...i forgot the way i felt before and the crash after. I feel like a fool. I felt so high doing it...i feel like i want to do it again right now.
i am sore and my hands are swollen, bruised up to there. my ego is shot. my confidence is lost. i work tomorrow... moving boxes of inventory. reaching moving reaching pulling pushing ...i forgot the limitations of stiched si...on any part of flesh...
oh why did i throw it away? craving the rush just one more time..maybe then i could end it
and no, i just told them "accident prone" I dont think they belived me much...they kept asking if i was suicidal...they asked me about my other scars...all just mere accidents... wanted to see both arms all the way...wanted to put me in a gown...
I go see the doctor on tuesday for my physical....what do i tell her???
I'm sorry you had to cut Rain. But don't beat yourself up about this ok? If your doctor knows about previous self harm, could you talk to them about how you're feeling and about what's happened? If not, could you talk to them about how you're honestly feeling and how you are able to recover but need some extra support?
husband out of town for the day = perfect time to scream again isnt it?
i havent been to a "real" doctors appoinment in years (like 11 or so years). There was a counsellor i spoke to way back about a year and a half ago...cant belive it is really that long???
I know what i need to talk with this doctor i will see about... i even wrote a list. she saw me a few months ago when i burned my eyelid with a curling iron "accidently" of course. might even tell her i have the stash of pills or that i have plans for ending my future...i just cant die today...i have too many things to do to prepare...pathetic isnt it?
I feel so alone.
I tried calling a friend from here i havent heard from in ages.
I miss her. she was good to me.
I miss being able to speak freely...although writing is not clear to a few of you...my crypic writing lets me say what i can , the way i tip toe around life...smiling on the outside...crying / screaming/ dying on the inside.
wasting time/ wasting space as usual
i am sorry...this was the last place i wanted to be...because it means i am not done with my "SCREAMING"
why is it when you feel so bad about the si///i feel i should just continue on...cutting until i have no more pain?
bloody mess i have made the past few days... maybe i should turn myself in??? set myself free?
no i will wait... it is just 3 more days...or 4...??? tuesday...whenever that is...
I have spoken to Rain and she has gone the hospital to get treatment.
I have also advised her to accept any help offer and hopefully she will.
Although I think she could do with all the support she can get right now.
Rainy please keep fighting this. get yourself a proper doctor and some help. accept all the help you can get an make yourself strong again. a slip does not have to be a fall you can still fight this.
Keep fighting hun. You changed your screen-name a little while ago didn't you and I remember the positive post and reasons for it. Try and hold on to that. You have come so far. Hope you get the help you need.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
not doing well at all. i went and they "fixed me" all i can think about is going all the way. my arms will not see daylight for a long time as i have screamed to loud/hard/long. *if you know what i mean
they offered for me to stay... i said not now... i feel like crying like a baby...curling up with my knees to my chest.. i am not going to make it until tuesday with out harming again... **** i am sitting here again with tools in hand. kids and husband away...just a little one here and there..the blood draining dark life out of me....get rid of that poison!!!.self inflicted punching does hands and body good. it has been a while.
i have no one in real life to talk to...maybe tuesday i will open up...maybe
sorry for the crash...no where to speak anymore...no one to talk to anymore
Rain, I just wanted to offer you my support. Please try to keep fighting.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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