Triggering (SI) - the trials and tribulations...his lows of paige

[*paige*]

well .....havenr been here in a few days ...guess ive ben to busy self loathing ..something good has happened i saved a guys life ..and od outside my appt door i went out and he was lying ther blue....i did cpr and kept him breathing untill the ems finaly arrived ..he was blue
..lips eyes ....even his nose was like blue..kinda put me in a bad place the ems ppl were so proud of me but i wasnt ready to that ..death in action ...i didnt mean to save him ..i could relate thhow he felt...he woke up and said ...who the **** are you when they gave hm the addrenaline ...lol ...an agel ...i said man you werent breathing ..he said naw im ok man i was alright ...i was like dude you didnt breath for like 5 minuts
but none the less he is ok ..that was first thing in the morninn ..so i go about my day like nothing ever happened..fighting the urges and the flashbacks...then i get this exstreme hatred inside myself..i found my best toll and i sat and i cried for a good wile ....lifes on its way to the states of fire ...forgot the reasons why we all strive just to fail ...thinking about my mom and aall kinda of other stuff...i just lost controll ..cut cut cut
the next hing iknow its a hoorible mess everywere and now i feel so so so so so ****ing stupid ..like what the hell..my best frined should have been so disapointed i brok my proisme to het i felt like ****....still do ..so now im ****ed next doc appointment i have im going away im sure uless i can find a way to hide this ...but what really gets me odd ..was i had this dream ..i was talking about this dream for two day snow ...i went to a group home my mother took me ther and i had this 9 mil pistol and throughout the whole dream i was trying to hide this pistol and the staff members of thee group home would scower the whole building looking for it i remeber one night (in the dream ) a particular staff member named scarface came on duty and everyone was likehide you rcontriband scar face is here so i ran i couldnt find my room and i felt like i was drunk just falling everywere ...idk but when i wole up i looked around ...had a glass of water and feel back alseep ..so then i go back into the same dream ..omg part 2?
..so now the group home i was in ha grown to like 10000 stories tall and its on fire and we all are trying to escape ....evry exit we take is perilous and blocked off eventually ..so we are trapt ...on and on with different senarios like that ...untill i woke up for the final time ...(the) i could not shake the dream all week ..i looked it up and it told me that i will face many hardhips in the very near future and its unsure if i will survive as in the dream i did not escape...then the next couple of days i have to revive guy in my hallway ?...insane ...or is it just me? ok moving on ..i have this other thing im need ing to get of my cheest ...i think im falling in love and its a completly new feeling ive never had as ive always been in such bad positions...with any relation ships...but the fact of the matter is i think im ....gay
is that so wrong?
i feel so strongly about this person ..and she is always ther for me tbh last night she stayed up with me untill 3;30 am ...i feel so connected to her and ever song i hear reminds me of her....i went 4 days with out cutting and i owe it all to my new best friends.....they way she tells me nice things ..( i mean who dosent like nice things?) ..but yea ..so she was having problems the other night wont say any names....lol migh truin her post lol...but yea ..i came up with this plan im going to start trying to se it but all you need is

> a calender(and ) (or) organizer, planner,even use ur phone ..
> a marker
> two minuts of time to think it out
>the will to heal

those are the things needed to do this.....ok so on with it already riht..ahah
ok first take a week of days and mark on you days with tallys ....tally the strong days tally the weak days ...and the end of the week add them up ..after the whole month is over add up you strong tallies and you weak tallies..get and grand total and mark it over that month ..ok now u will see that grudually week after week you will u are acualy getting better maybe worse but hold on bear with me .......
so take all your monthly totals and tally them up after twelvemonths go by..strong months and weak months you will see that you have had either a good year or a bad year ...so tallie that down as a good (or) bad year..then after a few more years of doing this you will see the progress you have made over a decade tallie up the good years and the bad years..i am almost sure you will see that you are getting better ..after you lifetime look at all your tallies from the good decades and the bad years..you will see that none off it ever matterd because you have mad it through life and you are a survivor ..i know it takes awile but it hold true in its meaning...so yeah i hope you guys read all of this lol love you guys

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox paige
i love you anya oxooxoxo
lost scared oxoxoxoxoxoxo
softballgirlyxxx oxoxoxoxoxo
be safe youse guys

[Tuesday]

aww sweetie, you are amazing in every way, you have no reason to hate yourself. try and think about all the good things about you and all your accomplishments. you really have a lot to be proud of. and i mean, hell, you saved a guy's life. that makes you, a hero. no way around it. if you weren't there he probably would have died. so that alone is just one thing of mannnny that makes you an incredible person.

and you really shouldn't feel so bad about slipping up. i mean, it's a part of recovery. happens to all of us. you have nothing to be ashamed of, only things to be proud of b/c you went 4 full days without cutting. and who says that you can't build on that and go even longer next time?

also, again the marking down strong days and weak days on a calendar is a fantastic idea. helps you to focus on the overall picture instead of just the bad things. i'm definately going to start doing that b/c i know that would really help me.

p.s. - there's nothing wrong with being gay :)
p.p.s. - i love you

[*paige*]

thank you anya ..you know my heart belongs to you