I was looking at a student event at uni and I realised that I should love events like Carnage etc. I want to like them. I do. But it has just dawned on me that I see absolutely everything as a means of hurting or destroying myself. Like this event would be a waste because I could get drunk and cut for much cheaper. My whole life is revolved around ways, times, locations etc to hurt myself and cause more and more extensive damage. I don’t think this is normal. Is it?? My self injury has become progressively worse and yet I am always looking to do more harm. I am never happy with what I do because it is never enough. I don’t study anymore, well….I do the bare minimum and as a result am getting nowhere near the marks I should be. This is not like me, not the old me anyway. Last week I was in a+e again but instead of being shocked or upset about getting a few cuts stitched…I was disappointed with myself and disgusted that I hadn’t done enough. The damage was not enough, not what it should be, not what I need. One set used to be enough….hell one scratch was enough at one point. I don’t know how to get out of this. In my head drinking, going out, not going out, EVERYTHING= self harm. I would go out and spend the entire evening thinking about the damage I could inflict when I got home. And THAT is the real reason why I won’t stay at my friend’s tomorrow….because it traps me and stops me harming. I would rather not drink, because then I won’t harm because I know I won’t be satisfied with the result and that is harder than struggling and not hurting myself. A drunk me, especially at the moment, unable to harm would be very bad. I don’t know what would happen.
This is ****ed up.
But I don’t know how to get out of it. To be honest, I don’t even think I can. I wish I wasn’t here. I have had enough now. I am tired of life. Burnt out. I am not threatening suicide, just making an honest declaration…I have had enough. Where do I go from here? Nothing will ever change this. I don’t think I will be satisfied until I have destroyed myself completely.
I am trapped...I had it all set. I decided last night and spent today planning to go back to uni tonight instead so I can harm as I need to. My parents don't know and I can't risk them finding out, and if it goes wrong they would do. Simple...drive to uni, get drunk and do the damage. But I have just tried to get cash for petrol and I have NO money. Great, ****ing great. I am trapped down here until Sunday now. I can't deal with this ****. I keep losing time. I need to cut or OD or something. I just need to stop this feeling, just for a little while. But I can't and I don't know how to deal with it
*hugs Emma* Sorry that you're having such a hard time! I really hope the feeling passes for you soon. Sometimes I try taking a shower as a distraction, for some reason I find it very relaxing.
I'm here if you need to chat. Take care!
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Pushing them all away. They don't get it, just mad that I can't make myself do all the 'fun' stuff they want me too. Everytime is more extreme. Fantasies about cutting to bone, stitches just not enough anymore. More and more multiple wounds to be stitched each time.
OD urges are back. My means of Suicide is back in my mind. How far does this go? How far before you reach the point where things cant change? I think I'm there now, this won't get better. But how do I find the courage to follow through my plans? I don't know what I need, what I want, I know nothing anymore.
*offers safe hugs* That's hard when people don't understand how it feels when you're not feeling good [I'm not saying that I totally understand how you are feeling, but I can relate from my personal experiences of people "trying to do what's in my best interest"]
I don't think there's ever a point where things can't change... please keep on fighting Emma. Please try to stay as safe as you can... go to A&E if you need to.
I'm here if you want to talk.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
OD urges are back. My means of Suicide is back in my mind. How far does this go? How far before you reach the point where things cant change? I think I'm there now, this won't get better. But how do I find the courage to follow through my plans? I don't know what I need, what I want, I know nothing anymore.
Emma, I'm sorry that the OD urges/your means of suicide are back and are in your mind. I think things could get better for you Emma. Maybe yes you are getting closer and closer.....but look at how strong you have been in this past year of knowing you...and how strong you can be even through your tough times. Remember you do have people who I know you want to stay around for, think them maybe as a distraction? But don't think I'm saying this emotionally blackmail you into doing/not doing something. Because I'm trying to be supportive but writing in a way that knows you're not threatening as such..
Was just wondering how you were.
I know life can be tough and very often throw crap at us that can send us in a downwards spiral.....but these times can and do pass us by and our mood does lift. We just need to dig deep and find that hidden strength that we must all hide somewhere for if we didnt have it....well, we wouldnt still be around, we would have caved in.
Think of you often and do hope that you are ok
Much love xx
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu