Triggering (SI/OD) - I'm so done. I don't care anymore. (ED as well)

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I'm done fighting this.
I don't have the strength anymore. I've just been putting off the obvious. I'm not going to get better so why try? Why try to stop when all it does is make things worse?! I try to not cut and end up ODing. Because I can't cut to fall asleep I'm not sleeping. Because I'm not sleeping I feel horrible and end up cutting more! I took some medicine last night and was able to sleep at least a little bit. I'm not eating because I don't care anymore. If it weren't for the people who I know give a damn I would give up completely. I don't even care if it messes up training right now. What's better, being able to do trampoline but be completely miserable and want to be dead or not eating and not trying to not cut. Easy. I'm fine with my decision. I know they aren't, but I can't help that right now. I've tried to make them happy. I went to doctors when I didn't want to and called them when I would rather not and talked to them about things that hurt.
It's time for me to do something that I want for once.
I'm sitting here freezing because I tried to sleep so I could train and it did nothing. Training is going to be bad because I'm in a bad mood and haven't eaten since yesterday morning and I don't know. I need to go to training though if for no other reason then to get out of my house.
I'm not going to force myself to eat anymore. I don't care. I'm not going to fight the urges to SI, it just ends up with worser SIs.
I want to give in.
I want to take a milion pills and go to the hospital and see what happens.
I wish I could.
If I did that everyone would know how messed up I relly am. My parents would know what I'm dealing with. It would hurt the people who know so much.
I'm trying to reply to a lot of messages on here but I'm probably doing no good. I can't think.
I'm done with this.

[l'il esky]

oh sweetie *cuddles you* sounds like you have a really rough time at the mo....has something sparked off these emotions
we can get better, just unfortunately takes a long time and isnt a quick fix....
could you try getting more into a routine to help with the sleeping,like turning computer off 30-60mins before you plan to sleep, have a bath, maybe try writing a diary before you go to get these emotions out rather than them circling around your head over nad over. also the problem with sh-ing is that it releases endorphines/adrenaline which will them make us more awake.

hun you know i am always just a pm away whenever you need, i care....LOTS and never forget that. is there someone you can talk too..counsellor/pysch etc? did the dr suggest anything to help get you through this? are you close to your parents....could you talk to them about how you are feeling.

keep posting hun.....love you xxx

[GoodbyeMyLove]

You sound so frustrated at the moment and I'm not surprised, because it does take a lot of time and a lot of pain to recover and we all get fed up of it from time to time.

This moment however is crucial: If you can pick yourself up now, you can pick yourself up anytime and I know you can, because deep down you want to. Writing things down and/or talking about them can help a lot to get rid of that frustration. Your trampoline training sounds important to you, so think about it... you might regret just giving up on it now.

Do you think you could talk to your parents about how you feel? It seems that there's a lot you want to tell them and it could help release tension if you just speak to them.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

This isn't the same as how it used to be. I've honestly reached the point where I just don't have the strength to do it anymore. I can't keep fighting this when it wins every single time. The voice in my head and the voice in my heart are actually almost in agreement. I just can't fight it anymore. Every single time I decide to try to stop, to really give it a good effort I fail. It'll last days, weeks or even a couple months but I always fail. I mad it to 3 months then I took a big OD and cut badly. It's not worth it! It's fighting a losing battle. It'll be really good for a while, but honestly that just makes that bad times worse. Because I know the bad days are coming, the good days barely last. I'm happy in the gym when I'm working on something, but even that, if I can;t get a skill or if I hurt myself doing something stupid I get so upset and it's bad.
If I stop trying to fight, if I just let it take it course then there is no more disappointment if I screw up because I'm not trying. if I go a couple days between SI or if I go a year then great. I can't say that I'm never going to do it again because I scare myself. I said I was never going to cut again and ended up giving myself frost bite, giving myself an almost 3rd degree burn, taking way to much medicine.
That can all be so easily taken care of. Just stop trying. you can't fail if you don't try!
I'm sorry that I'm being so negative. I just can't see this getting better and I can't tell the people in real life because although they care so much, they don't understand in the same way. I can't tell my parents. that is not an option, not even close.
I was seeing a social worker but I skipped my last appointment with her because I couldn't handle her that day and im not calling back. I very strongly dis-like her. I'm not going back there. I can't.