Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - *TRIGGERS EVERYTHING* stupid rapid cycling.. I cant take anymore..

[jen-x]

i cant take it, i just cant take it anymore... i've posted about how i was supposed to die on xmas eve and didnt, but then i was happy because i have a foolproof plan which i'm going to carry out this weekend...

i was so low, everything hurt, then i've had about four days, where i've literally wiped out my bank account (think i'm going to be charged because some stuff hasnt come out yet AND i'm already in loadsa debt), dyed me hair outrageously bright, had my nose and lip pierced (yes i wanted it done, but my social phobia causes enough probs without me being more distinctive!), ordered some "adult" stuff which will come in the post this week... i cant believe that! i feel physically sick at the thought of it.. I'm such a disgusting fat wh*re!

I cant stop eating, so i'm getting fat. i don't deserve anything. This stupid body is repulsive and i want rid of it. i want it to be over.

And i know they know what i'm thinking and they i don't care if that's what they want, i wanna get out...

Now i'm crying, I can't stop, i never cry, it's strange... i hate my stupid head. And i look around and i resent people, resent them for feeling, i don't understand people... its like i can be in a room with my family and strangers and i am indifferent to one and all...

i just... i want to do something. i'm so disgusting, why cant i control myself?

they give me stupid meds and nothing makes a difference. Why are they doing it? i think they know i should leave just as much as everyone else. And now i'm back where it hurts, I know i won't be able to leave the house b/c everyone is a potential rapist, knows what i'm thinking, wants to push me that bit farther... i want to do real damage.. my head is so screwed.

i'm sorry ... it was all inside.. needed to come out, and i didnt know where i could do it.

i'm such a repulsive, non deserving fat wh*re, and i'm on me own and idk.... i hate people. you cant trust them.

i'm so so sorry..

..

[sherlock holmes]

Is there anyone you can ring? A doctor or a crisis team? Are you taking your prescribed medication as you are supposed to?

I think maybe you should make another appointment with your doctor/psychiatrist and let them know what's been going on.

[Mad-Mad-World]

I don't really have any pertinent advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts, and that I'm sure you are a beautiful person and deserve to be happy.

If you have receipts from any of the purchases you made, you could always try to send it back for a refund, or at least store credit?