weirdest weirdness of weird *mentions meds & things*
its the weirdest feeling and i'm not really sure whats going on with me ...but i've finally gotten to the point where i'm able to Sort of communicate whats going on.
.....
so ... i was struck by the feeling and need to completely withdraw, from everything, everyone...in every way shape and form (hence i've not really been here)
i've since ( which isn't an advisable move) come of of all of my medication...psych and non psych.i didn't wean, i was 'silly', and did it all at once, just stopped.
Along side this i stopped drinking, stopped smoking, i've not even been drinking caffeine.Eating reasonably healthy food...blah blah blah.. of course the subtext to this is pregnancy... but thats not what i'm getting at just now...
never before have i had the strength, or the thought of the strength to even give up smoking, let alone medication.
seeing as i only came out of hospital at the beginning of november- one would assume that it was the stupidest thing i could do, and that it was an effort to self destruct.....
quite wrong.
it wasn't about that at all. i have this huge desire to be clean. cleansed....and meds were dirty to me.
despite having been on anti-ds and ps for over 8 years, i just wanted it to stop. immediately. even the effexor didn't stop me from doing this. no withdrawal was as strong as my need to be clean of it all. right. that .second.
so i did. since the 1st of november. no meds.
i didn't discuss this with my doc. which i should have. but he doesn't listen to me , and is a bully. i know whatever i say to him he has NO respect. so i don't bother. THIS OF COURSE IS NOT ADVISED_ NOR AM I SUGGESTING THAT ITS A GOOD THING TO DO
but for me - it was a good thing. is a good thing. i'm not 'happy' but i feel SO much better than i've ever felt on anti depressants and psychotics. whats more, without the sleeping meds i'm actually getting More sleep- it took about a week but i'm finally in a Natural sleeping pattern; first time ever within my memory.
not only this, but i have gone from self injuring, generally at least once a day for the last 18 years....i've stopped. completely, since coming off of the medication. and i have no urges to take it up - at all. i still have all of my blades...i just don't feel the need to use them.
i don't even feel that its strength that i'm experiencing... i don't really know what it is.... from being totally in the depths of suicidality, to being where i am now...in 2 months...without therapy or medication....i don't understand it at all, nor do i know what its about.
All i know is that, maybe, my body finally took over and told me what i needed to do to deal with all of this. i needed to stop depending on medication and self injury. i need to be healthy. i need to not work through things, but leave them behind and just stop carrying them.
i don't know whats given me the ability to do so. i have no idea. there was no specific change that made me feel this way... it was just necessary. and to me ...totally weird....
but as it stands , i'm over a month free...nearly 2 - which i've never done without a slip up before in 18 whole years.
i feel as though i was being so supressed by the meds after such a long time that i needed the freedom from them to break free from myself.
the only thing that makes me sad is the state of my body and what i've done to it.
of course i'm saddened by things still, and they're still there. its very hard to describe whats going on for me because i don't really understand it myself... hence i wanted to share in the hope someone external might be able to give me insight... i don't understand what i'm feeling - please tell me
its good. i know its good. and whatever made this happen. its good.but its really ****ing weird.....
anyhow ... much love my dear friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hope it carries on working for you, that's great... do you have friends around you who support you? and who you trust to be honest with you about whether they think it's working for you? I agree doctors don't always know what's best, but they do have an expertise that can be useful... perhaps you could change doctor to one who you can be open with?
Please stay safe as well as enjoying feeling good.
so are you pregnate i'm not sure if you are congratulations and congrats for your recovery hope all is still well look for the signs and get help if needed hope you have a wonderful med free healthy 2009 take care and stay safe x
things are still going ok .... had a bit of a wobble yesterday, but nothing major, just got stressed and went on a long brisk walk which seemed to do the trick... it was 3 in the morning, but there we got- was nice and quiet!
tia: yes.its only early days though and i've had a series of miscarriages before, but i'm keeping hopeful.
don't really feel i;m doing anything that dues congratulations...but i'm trying, its a bit soon for me to feel as though i can really feel comfortable in, don't want to get comfy with it and then it be something that disappears and i feel worse for it rather than better... if you know what i mean. we'll see heh.
thank you for your kind words
love to all x
I tried to respond to this earlier and it erased all i had to say.
You have come a long way baby and I for one am offering praise for what you have accomplished so far!
The words above are a fresh beath of air....breath in and read it again...do you see what I see???
Keep yourself in touch... if you feel a spell coming on, sit , breathe, think, remind yourself of who you are RIGHT NOW.
I stand in awe of who you are from who you were just weeks ago. keep on keeping on. fight this becci... you are on the right track!
thank you for your support my wonderful friends. things are still ok ... i've even spent a fortune on vitamins to 'improve' my health...its the weirdest thing.... taking care of myself is just something i've Never done before. i don't know where its come from ....but i'm willing not to jeopardise it!
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
