Starting again *triggering* (don't think so but just in case)
I am so scared of having to start everything all over again, I was finally where I wanted to me in my life (married, house, job, etc). Okay I still have my job and for now I still have my house (not sure I can afford it on my own) but I feel empty without my husband to share my life with.
I can't bear the thought of trying to meet someone else, I have so much emotional baggage I just don't imagine that there are many people out there who would be interested and then I have to like them too. The whole dating scene is not fun and I hate the idea of going there again. I loved coming home to someone, sharing my life with him and knowing he was there.
When I was growing up all I ever wanted was to find someone and live a quiet life (my childhood was miserable, a quiet life where nobody was nasty to me was enough) and I found someone who offered me more than that. Then he took it all away in the most horrible was possible.
I hate living alone, there is nobody to talk to (I could phone a friend or my mum but it talking and having a laugh about all the silly things I miss), I wake in the night and nobody is there, nobody to make me a coffee (he always made me a coffee before work), nobody to give me a cuddle when I feel down. I am just so miserable and can see no end to it.
I'm sorry it's so hard... being single again is usually horrible, the only consolation is that it does get easier, but that's probably difficult to see right now...
Do you want to talk about what happened? You don't have to here if you don't want to - but is there someone in the real world you can talk to?
I wrote about it when it happened so some people know, we got married in August this year and in October he started having an affair, I found out at the beginning on November and we split. He has no interest or intention of apologising for what he did, he seems to think it was no big deal, that he was just being a bit dumb (he tells me it was stopped when I found out and that it was no more than a couple of dates but in my world you don't go on dates when you are married).
I strongly believe that marriage is for life and so I am going to be stuck being a divorcee when I don't believe in it.
It was my uncle (a minister) who married us and he has told me that it is not my fault and that the church will not hold it against me but I committed for life and he didn't, he thinks that is just what happens and you move on, that marriage is nothing other than a nice party and a holiday (even more galling, he did not pay a penny of it).
We had been together 4 1/2 years when he left and I had built my life around him, I feel there is nothing holding me together any more.
There are 'real' people I can talk to but I am aware that they have heard it and are getting on with their own lives (not that they don't care but I can't keep moaning about how miserable I am, that is not fair on them).
He does not want to come back, he says he has more important priorities (he uses he son from his first marriage as an excuse).
I'm sorry, he's been/being a jerk (but then I hope you know that without me saying). Say it as often as you need to... of course you will need to talk about it a lot, it has been a huge loss.
sometimes I find it helpful to set aside a 'obsessing time' and during that I can rant as much as I like, the rest of the time I try to stay positive - for me it's generally when I generally go running, but I have also asked friends for an agreed amount of time when I can vent, after that I will try to follow the social rules again (e.g. 10 minutes where I say everything I want and they just offer sympathy & support & don't try to rationalise and be 'sensible'). It gave me permission to say things over and over without overwhelming them, plus once I'd ranted I had to try to focus on other things again, knowing that I would have another 'slot' in a bit for the ranting...
Anyway, use or ignore as is useful for you, we're all different...
I can't argue the theology of it, it sounds like you have people you can talk that through with who are being supportive and that's great. And I understand and respect that you made a commitment for life... but, (without suggesting that you immediately leap into dating/new relationships as a 'quick fix') I don't believe in a harsh, punishing God that expects you to be unhappy for the rest of your life because you made commitment in good faith to someone who didn't deserve it.
So try to be kind to yourself - you're not 'moaning' you're greiving, that's allowed (and healthy)...
thank you so much for your thoughts and everyone for their hugs, this time of year is particularly hard
I like the idea of setting aside a bit of time to 'obsess' about it and then get on again, I have promised myself I will return to the gym tomorrow, hopefully that will help me feel better.
I know you won't feel that this is true, but you're better off starting again than living a lie and being married to an absolute bastard of a person. I used to be miserable when ex gf's would break up with me but I now realise they did me a favour. I was better off temporaily alone than putting up with their lies, cheating etc. And that time being alone, although for much of the time I felt lonely, let me realise what I really wanted from a relationship. It only took a matter of months for me to find the right person, although in your case, grieving may take a bit longer, you will work out what it is you want and you will find someone. Using the son excuse is pathetic, that guy is a selfish son of a bitch and you don't deserve that ****.
Oh I just want to add that if there is a God worth worshipping, he would not hold the divorce against you. It was your ex's lack of commitment to you that caused it to end, nothing you could possibly have done would have stopped that.
Thanks Archangel, I know in the long run you are probably right but it will take me a while to get round to feeling that way.
Went to the gym today, good to get out and about without going to work (the only going out I have really done for 2 months now).
I am worried about where to find someone new but must not worry about that right now, nowhere near ready for that bit, will try to focus on getting over the bit I am at just now.
I don't go very often but went to Church yesterday, felt good.
I'm glad the gym went well, also Church, like you said, better to concentrate on feeling good about yourself first and worry about meeting someone new later...
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