feel a bit guilty but sooo great *kinda a rant*

so for the first time since i started meds two years ago i intentionally didn't take it last night... i've wanted to do that for a while, but usually my bf, who is gone right now, makes me take them and i don't wanna lie. and my mom didn't bother me about it, and my new antidepressant was just like the last straw because besides making crazy mood swings, it's now making it so i just am bleh... apathetic, slightly depressed, not really caring, and overall not feeling a damn thing. so last night i got it into my head not to take it. and i didn't. i didn't sleep well at first as my antipsychotic and mood stabilizer generally knock me out. but i didn't mind, strangely. just kinda laid there, going in and out of sleep. woke up this morning wide awake. feels so nice to not be all groggy. and i didn't take the antidepressant this morning. i have forgotten that a few times so that's not quite as bad. but honestly, i don't wanna take any of them ever again. i feel kinda guilty cause once my bf and mom find out they're gonna freak. and if i agree to start taking them again they're gonna be even more on me...

But here's the thing. NEVER in the past two years of treatment has anyone ever tried me being on no meds. EVER. i agree i need counseling. but why meds? they never work anyway. i've never been stable on them. so wouldn't the obvious choice be to try counseling w/o meds? i know i'm not going off them the best way, but my clinical team is so freaking obsessed with meds that i doubt i can talk them into taking me off slowly. i'm expecting i may get some withdrawal symptoms; that happened when a hospital made me stop taking them (they thought i was pregnant)... but once that passes, it might be for the better. i feel so awake and so good... like free, you know? i know most people are gonna tell me this was a bad idea, but i can't help but try, especially since that stupid lexapro made it so i didn't even care that this girl i was once really involved with started contacting me again and got her own phone so we can text now. normally i would've either been really excited or worried (she brings her own set of issues)... but just NOTHING... i'm all interested in dark stuff still, like i'm depressed, but instead i just am like bleh. don't care. i want to feel. ok i'm really done now. i feel a bit guilty for going behind my mom and bf's back, but i'm almost 20... i think i'm old enough to decide if i want those meds in my body.

[Misunderstood.]

Too true. You're more than old enough to decide whether you want to take meds or not. I'm of the same opinion atm too [stopped taking meds over a week ago] and can definitely relate to the feeling of 'freeness' etc.
Know what you mean about the guilty thing all too well too but at the end of the day what you do and how you go about treatment is totally up to you.
Clearly I'm not one of the people you expected might encourage you to start taking them again.

[teenytineytori]

i know what you mean about the meds and honestly no one can force you. but i would tell my physician that you are stopping with or without their help so they can help you especially if there are withdraw symptoms. and i would keep a detailed mood journal that you write in as soon as you wake up around mid day and before you go to bed so you can see if you need to go back on the meds before it is too late. i took myself off my meds but i had to because of money problems. i couldn't afford the meds or psychologist or psychiatrist so off i went. and it was tough. and i went really low but was in therapy while i was doing it so i guess it was kind of ok. but i would be honest with your psych and family and i would be open to going back on meds. loo at this as something you are trying out. if it works than awesome if it doesn't than you can try something else. also some medications when you stop them they are not as effective so i would check tht out before you stop all medication. be careful

yeah i'm doing this cause i think it'll be better for me, not because i just don't like them or whatever...

but i did tell my mom. while i surprisingly had NO depression, I felt sooo sick. Kept going from feeling good for a few hours to feeling nauseated, headache, and cold symptoms for a few hours, than good again. And couldn't sleep more than 3-4 hrs a night. So she had me go on half of them and excluded the antidepressant since i've only been on a moderate dose for a month. And then i'll start going every other day after a while. While she worries, she hates meds, so she's actually being fairly supportive. my bf hasn't said much, but he's in hawaii, so what can he really do?

but these are the changes i noticed... off completely, i obviously was a bit hyper. that's temporary and to be expected, so i put little stock in that. however, motivation completely changed. not in a manic sort of way, but in an "i can do this even if it sucks sometimes". my first thought out of nowhere and this hasn't seemed possible to me in months was "maybe i can go back to school and actually make myself do homework... maybe even continue my bachelors in science". and it wasn't a "this will be perfect". it was "it's worth it; i can do it"... i could clean, even if i wasn't in my manic OCD episodes. Like I could tolerate things I didn't like because I knew they needed to be done and it wasn't the end of the world that I didn't like them. Now that I'm back on the meds, back to the way it was before. I'm not too worried cause in a few weeks I'll be done with them. Also, like I said, NO depression off the meds. Even when I was so sick, couldn't sleep, I wasn't depressed. Didn't feel like dark or cutting or anything. Just like "oh this sucks". Now that I'm back on the mood stabilizers I feel the depression again. (not surprising considering mood stabilizers push your mood down to try and stop mania) I'm ok, but again, not quite right. I was so much more logical off the meds too. Like I actually said NO to a party I knew was gonna be crazy w/ all sorts of out of control alcohol and weed and probably hard drugs. (that i had said yes to on meds and then realized how bad it could get... i have no restraint on meds and i didn't even realize it!)

So while I can't say for sure yet and I'm giving it time, so many things that I had NO idea were gonna happened have showed me that meds have only changed my personality and made me more dependent on emotions and extremes. And the situations that caused me to go on meds back 2 years ago are so different now. I have a good bf now. I am not self conscious cause I am secure (unless i'm on an antidepressant) in myself. I know people like me. I can communicate. I'm not withdrawn now (unless on an antidepressant again... which i don't get but whatever). I actually LIKE people most the time. I remember telling a friend over 2 years ago that I did not understand the value of small talk. It seemed so pointless and stupid to me to talk to people about the same things when you were never gonna get into a deep conversation anyway. Now working in retail has made me love small talk cause I get to know people and it's interesting... I actually enjoy being around people. So anyway, I feel I have learned so much through therapy (which I will continue) and my situations have changed so much that I am a completely different person than 2 years ago and as long as everything continues the way it has so far, I see no reason for me to stay on meds. I have had a little anxiety off meds, but I am more than willing to have PRN anxiety meds if needed... I am not against meds. They work for some people. But having analyzed my life, I don't think they are for me at this point in time.

[Ms Tears Keep Fallin]

well good luck and take care remember you can always go back to them if you find you have made a mistake but please keep your doc well informed of what your doing x

[rockaroni]

I took myself off my meds for a week a little while back. Ironically, it's probably the best I'd felt in the whole time I'd been taking them. But talk to your doctor before just coming off them because you can get quite bad side effects/withdrawal if you come straight off them...