It was horrible, just horrible, petrifiying, unreal.
I've been in hospital 4 times before. On Tuesday I went to a family therapy appointment and as soon as I got there my doctor said I had to go to hospital. Why the hell? I'm not ill, I'm thinking. I would know if I was ill. I am just scared of what is happening.
I am having trouble typing this, as I am shaky.
I was taken straight away to my local adult psychiatric hospital, taken to a ward and given prn meds. I didn't/don't understand. I'm confused.
I have bipolar and I'm not manic or depressed. What's going on?
Then another patient got angry with me. I don't know why. I talked to my doctor and she had decided to transfer me to an adolescent ward (I'm 17) so I went in an ambulance this place. It was a long journey. The private hospital is a lot, lot bigger than my usual ward and the nurses are all young. I don't like it at all. So lonely. And alone.
I was actually looking forward to christmas, I had suprises ready for my gorgeous little sister. :(
I am crying a lot.. at the smallest things.
I was/am so scared and frightened. I have realised who I am. It is too painful to give away here and I can't for my own safety. I am scared of this dangerous virus. Why does nobody understand? Scared for my mum. And scared for myself. I can't disclose why.
Am I ill? This sure is crazy - But I can't be ill. I was fine, absolutely tip top shape. They are saying I have purged too much that my meds aren't getting into my system. Do I believe them? I don't trust them. I trust my mum.
I begged to be let home for the night, yes I lied a little, but I need so badly to be at home in a place of love and warmth to protect me. So I am listening to my CD and cuddling with my mum. My mum didn't want to take me home which upset me. I am home until Sunday, the doctor was very generous.
I have been told I have 'good insight' Do I? I don't know what the hell is going on.
I have a really bad memory. This morning at the ward I was given three presents. I have completely forgotten what they are and I can't remember hardly anyone's name.
I want to wish you all a very merry christmas to all of you. I hope you are safe and well.
Love to you. Miranda. x
Last edited by Droplet : 25-12-2008 at 06:54 PM.
Reason: Forgot something.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Hey there sweetheart,
That sounds so very difficult to be dealing with, glad to hear you have been allowed home if only for a short amount of time. With regards to your mum not wanting to bring you home-you say you trust your mum, so what about trying to trust her judgement on this one? Sometimes when we are ill it is very hard for us to be objective and see clearly when we are or are not in a bad state.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Poor you, *massive hugs*, that sounds really scary. have you tried talking to the professionals about why they think your ill and needed to come to hospital? i'm sure they are trying to help and will listen to you and explain everything to you? it will be ok sweetheart your doing really well to stay strong. i hope your ok, pm me if you need anything, take care xxx
I hope the fog lifts soon too, Katie. What a good word to descibe it. Dark and I can't see where I am. People tell me I'm going to 'get better' but how do I know when I don't have a clue on earth where I am? It's more than frustrating. It should make me angry but instead I am sad.
I will ask the doctor when I see her on Monday what the hell is going on. It is hard to trust people at this time but I will try. I want to know what's going on.. it's all been so crazy.
I do trust my mum, I am leaning on her. My dad always tells the truth too.
I am very scared tonight. Trying to ignore the thoughts that are screaming inside my little head. There's a lot going on. The cells are taking over. And I'm scared of the other thing too.
The doors are locked, I hope to God I'm safe.
Love Miranda. x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Do you have some things in the hospital with you that help you feel a bit calmer and safer? A doona/duvet? A toy, books? We have a few things that help when we are in hospital or somewhere scary.
Can you write the thoughts down that are going around? That helps us too.
Have you asked a nurse or someone why you are in? Could you try?
We really hope it gets easier...
((((safe hugs)))) only if OK. We are thinking of you.
It was frightening. I am settling in a lot better and the nurses, most, seem to be pretty ok. I have taken my teddy, my books.. They have a nice duvet there actually.
I am writing down my thoughts actually. I haven't done it much in hospital before, my thoughts have been too scattered but now I am writing every single thing down to put it on paper, make it real. I am writing in a journal they gave me too. I sit on the corridor to be around real people and write, write, write..
I asked and the doctor said this is the oppposite of mania - depression but losing touch with reality. I don't feel depressed, maybe this is a different.. shade.
Love to you all. Miranda. x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
It is good to hear you are settling a bit more. And have some conforts. I hope it helps you being there.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
It's keeping me alive at the moment. I would say sane but I don't think that's strictly true.. I'm glad it helps you too, Sarah.
Losing my sense of self is exactly it. It goes through numbing and very frightening phases. I talked to a very understanding nurse about it. I feel more crazy than everybody else, not because of the things I do or my symptoms.. but because I cannot connect this to anything in my life - anything that is me - it truly feels like I am not me.
I need looking after. They have said 6+ weeks. (Assessment).
It is all I can do to keep writing here. I listen to 'my music', though sometimes that just makes me feel like I'm watching a movie of my life.. who I used to be.. not anymore. I talk to people. I am talking so much for the fear I will no longer exist if I stop. I have conversations with myself. I talk to my past. I write and write. I dance. I stand at the door and feel the cold. I touch the walls and feel their textures only to check this world is real. Am I unreal, or is it the other way round? Is there really a Truth? I don't know. I can't identify what that makes me feel.
I am trying, I really am, to save myself.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
What did the nurse have to say about it sweetheart? Have they any ideas about what might be causing it, or at least how they can help? If you are in hospital much longer I will come and see you again, ok?
It sounds like you are copong fantastically well, and I am so very, very proud of you for that. Remember you can ring me from the patient phone, or write me a letter anytime.
If the Miranda you have been is growing, maturing and changing, then maybe try and find out what the new Miranda likes/dislikes. Listen to some differant music, watch a film genre you wouldn't normally watch, draw in a colour you don't usually use; anything to explore your self a little more.
Take care sweetheart *much love*
Katy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
