Triggering (Suicide) - Struggling.

Jaffa · 05-07-2007, 03:21 PM

I don't know why i'm writing this. I think i've just got to the desperation stage, i'm sorry for wasting board space. I feel i should have given more back to this board before i use it myself, i hope it's ok.

I'm struggling. Really struggling. Everything seems to have ended all at once, and it was everything that was keeping me going. Sixthform has finished, A-levels are done and messed up, i quit my job, i didn't apply to uni and i have no plans for the rest of my life. I'm pushing my friends away, i'm pushing my family away. The state i'm in at the moment i can't see myself ever making plans.

I don't want anything anymore - i don't see the point in making plans for things. Every now and again though i'll snap and think "I want something from life, i don't want this anymore, maybe feeling like this and cutting myself all the time isn't right." Then it's gone again. I can't act on it. But if i feel like that occasionally it's got to count for something right? I don't know.

I've had counselling. I went to my GP last year with a letter saying everything, the same letter that a teacher at my school had given to the school nurse. I tried. The GP looked at me like i was scum, made me feel pathetic and a timewaster but did set up counselling for me. I did it for 3 months and then gave up. I don't talk, i can't talk and i never made an effort to get things to change - i didn't feel like i could. I just gave up again.

Now i only see two options, two endings. I go to my GP again, and admit that maybe things aren't fine. Or i end it. I know which is right, but i also know that that's not the one i'm looking at right now. I can't let people down, i know i WILL let people down if i end it and i can't do that - so i guess i'm hoping that even by writing this down part of me will make the right choice. I don't know what there is to say, just a hug would be nice right now. Sorry it's so long.

craola · 05-07-2007, 04:55 PM

*Cuddles*
Im sorry you're finding things so hard, that time at the end of the college when you cant see anything before you is a hard one, I was in the exact same place as you last year. Im now having to take time out to 'recover' which isnt a bad thing I guess.
I think its really good that you know where you are and how you're feeling, I know it doesnt feel that way to you but from what you've written I can understand where you are, you're very eloquent.
I think you need to go back to your gp and talk to them again...I would go see a different one actually because your one sounds like an idiot. You should be treated the same as everyone else. Talk to your GP and explain how your feeling, let them know that you are having suicidal thoughts and that you didnt feel a counsellor helped you. They didnt help me either and it wasnt until I started seeing a psychiatrist that things got a bit more stable for me.
I know that the other way seems a lot more appealing, but you would destroy the lives of those you love and those who love you...and you know that. You are a strong, strong cookie. I know you are from your post, you can beat this, you can. You just have to reach out for a bit of help and support and you can get through this dark patch.
Take care, stay safe
Aimee xx

Jasmine222222 · 05-07-2007, 06:32 PM

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Try and hold on to that part of you that still wants something from life, no matter how small it is. I know it's hard. You've made a start though, by writing things down here. I hope you feel better!