Getting Back To The Way Things Were Before, But How?

[Sofie]

I have a bit of a problem and it's really upsetting me right now:

I've been friends with someone for 4 years and we used to talk alot. About 2 years later, he became a dad and basically told me that he can't talk to me as much, but will try to talk to me, which was fine by me.

In November last year, he found out about my SI and comfronted me about it and basically told me he doesn't understand anything at all about it, so I tried my best to explain the best I could about it and why I act the way I do with him.

He decided a few months later that he couldn't trust me and told me that he won't allowed me to take a break from him, because of this. He then decided that he couldn't handle my behaviour (according to him, I was becoming really clingy) and told me that I either need to stop acting the way I do with him or he won't talk to me. This happened a few times and at some point, I thought we were actually getting somewhere.

On Sunday, I emailed him and explained to him that I think we should cut down on the amount of time we spent together, because I'm starting to get bored and there's not really that much to talk about any more.

I saw him online on Monday and tried to talk to him and he ignored me. I emailed him asking him why and he basically said 'I thought you said you were bored of me?' and I told him that all I said was that I think we shouldn't spend as much time together as we used to do.

Ever since then, he's ignored me - even though I've told him that we need to talk and I'm really unsure where I stand with him any more - one minute, he says he can't trust me enough for me to stay away from him, then the next, he won't talk to me.

What's really the best thing to do now?

[.ghost.]

First of all I know it might not be nice, but I can see why he isn't speaking to you. If somebody told me they were getting bored of me then there's no way I'd speak to them for a while, unless they apologised for it, which I think would be a good move in this situation.

When you said you were bored of spending time with him what did you mean? Did you mean that you don't like being around him or that it's the same old conversations every time you see him type of thing?
If you're getting bored of seeing him because you just find what you do boring, then maybe you could arrange to try a new activity or something you could do when you see him?

I don't really agree with what he's said about not being able to trust you because of SI, and I think you should try and explain to him that just because you SI, doesn't mean you can't look after yourself, and that you need independence and him telling you that you can't take a break from him isn't fair. If he says he doesn't understand something ask him what he doesn't understand, and try to focus on that point for a bit.

If you're unsure about how much time to spend with him, why not arrange a reagular meeting time/day regularly, at which ever time interval you both think would be ok.

Also, say to him clearly that you'd like to know where you stand, and that you don't like to be told one minute that you can't be trusted alone, but then be ignored the next.

Stay calm when you talk to him, make sure it doesn't turn into an arguement.

Good luck!
xx

[Sofie]

I'm starting to become bored because there isn't much to talk about that we haven't already talked about.

Quote:

I don't really agree with what he's said about not being able to trust you because of SI, and I think you should try and explain to him that just because you SI, doesn't mean you can't look after yourself, and that you need independence and him telling you that you can't take a break from him isn't fair. If he says he doesn't understand something ask him what he doesn't understand, and try to focus on that point for a bit.

I did get a friend of mine to help me to try and explain what exactly is going on and that I can be trusted.

He's never told me he doesn't understand; but it is rather obvious from the way he reacts to what I tell him.