Triggering (SI/Suicide) - can't see the point

Sigma · 22-12-2008, 08:29 PM

I don't know why I'm writing this because I can't think of anything that would help - I guess that's why I don't ask for help because I can't think what would be a help - but I go through every evening not wanting to wake up in the morning. Even if I have a good day (and today was a good day, did lots of my coursework and really enjoyed it, found it interesting and for once feel I'm on track to get an assignment done on time) then by the time I get home I just want to be unconscious, but I can't be so I hurt myself... somehow it feels better if I hurt because that's what I feel I deserve. Have tried anti-depressants, have tried counselling, nothing stops me feeling worthless and a waste of time for anyone who tries to help me... that I would be better gone so I don't waste their time as well, I can understand why anyone would treat me as scum because that's what I am...

I guess I just needed to say it (type it) out loud...

ravynsoul · 22-12-2008, 11:26 PM

*hugs* you're not scum -- you are a wonderful person and kind and caring too and brilliant. that is the truth! You do matter!!!

I think it's good that you get your feelings off your chest; and I can understand the just wanting to be unconscious and let time pass... and I know it's not a fun feeling... I don't have advice at the moment... but I'm here if you want to let out more of your feelings.

*lots of hugs* take care of yourself

Kahlia1981 · 23-12-2008, 07:56 PM

I'm going to have to second Ravyn : You are not scum, you do matter. Please use this site for what you need from it - for support, to know that you aren't alone, to allow you to get all those negative feelings and thoughts out in a safe (safe-ish ??) environment.

*offers hugs* Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and thinking of you.

Sigma · 23-12-2008, 08:17 PM

Thanks guys... it feels as if I'm falling down a cliff at the moment, I keep getting bumps and scrapes and that's painful enough, but nothing like what's coming when I hit the bottom.

Anyone got a trampoline to cushion the fall?

you see, I can't even take myself seriously even when I'm sitting here crying... it all just seems so stupid... if I get through today then there's tomorrow to get through, then the day after, then the day after... and I'm tired of it all

Misunderstood. · 23-12-2008, 09:56 PM

I know how you feel (hugs)

Sorry got no wise words of wisdom as am feeling quite the same. xx

ravynsoul · 24-12-2008, 01:33 AM

*hugs* try to focus only on one day at a time; one moment at a time if need be. That's been some of the best advice I've been given and hopefully it helps you too. I try to find something to hope for to keep me going [no matter how big or little it is] and then try just to get thru each day and not let thinking about too much time overwhelm me... but alas, it's easier said then done.

*offers hugs to lostthewavye and kahlia too*

airwolf282 · 02-01-2009, 07:41 AM

Hun you are not a waste of time or scum or anything like that. You were thoughtful and kind enough to help me in your replies to my last thread. I can relate to you feeling like you want to be unconscious. I feel that often because I don't want to deal with all the pain at once and that has led me down the path of OD'ing many times. Like you I have also hurt myself believing I deserve to be in pain.

In my own opinion I think you should speak to your doctor about how your feeling. Maybe you were given meds that didn't work for you, there is so many different ones out there and not everybody responds to them. And it sounds like you need to get the meds sorted because the counselling probably won't do it's job if the chemicals are all messed up.

I hope your feeling better than you did before xmas sweetie....

*hugs*

Nathan xo

Sigma · 02-01-2009, 11:44 AM

Thanks guys - up and down but have had a positive morning.

I've decided to go back to primary school and have a star chart for 'good' behaviour (or rather, avoiding 'bad' stuff), so I went and got myself some sticky gold stars and printed out a calender for the month...! it seems a good time to start (new year and all) partly because I have internet access while I'm house sitting so can always distract myself here if I need to...

ravynsoul · 02-01-2009, 01:49 PM

Glad to hear you had a positive morning!

I do that too! Place stickers in my daybook for avoiding negative coping skills. Yeah for primary school methods :)

Sigma · 02-01-2009, 08:24 PM

I got a gold star today!

Never realised it would be that simple...

ThinkingofRecovery · 02-01-2009, 11:12 PM

Hun, you are definitely NOT better off gone. You were so supportive and helpful to me just before christmas and so for selfish reasons, you should stay

. How are you doing now? Congrats on the gold star.

Sigma · 03-01-2009, 10:38 AM

Thanks! Sort of OK, am not allowing myself to think anything but relentlessly positive thoughts. Have an assignment to write, and the pressure always revs me up a bit... hopefully I won't have a slump after, but am not going to think about that now.

Nice to hear from you! How's it going?