Triggering (Suicide) - no title fits....*nice update!!!!*
im at my wits end.
my little brother flipped his truck last night.
he's still in the ER.
his cat scan on his brain came back abnormal.
their doing x-rays on his back right now.
they had to wait for alcohol level to drop.
the poor guy lost his father last year, we just buried our grandma a few days ago.
im so worried about him.
he told me he was going to "take himself out of the game".
he told my mother today at the hospital that he wished that he would have died in the wreck.
and after ALL this...the mental hospital WONT take him!@!!!!\
god damn them to hell.
life pushes you to a breaking point and the people that are supposed to help turn their heads.
im hysterical.
everywhere i turn i see sorrow and sadness.
and i can feel myself just not giving a **** anymore.
im tired of all these ****ing tests ive been having.
saw the gyn today. the FIRST time a man has ever done a pap smear on me, that alone sent me swirling. i barely managed to not come off that table and attack him.
now im sitting here drinking 30 oz. of water to go back at 2pm and have an ultra sound of my ovaries.
i hate this so much.
i want to go to bed and say **** it all.
but i think of Keith and i just have to keep going.
im so messed up in the head right now....
Last edited by Yellow : 21-12-2008 at 10:11 PM.
Reason: ummm...nice update????
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I am so sorry about your brother Rach and even more sorry things are so rough for you right now.
I admire your attitude, thinking of Keith and keeping going. I hope you give yourself credit for how much strength that takes.
I am not very good with words right now but I wanted you to know I think you are really brave for the way you have dealt with everything and for dealing with your examination today.
Please continue fighting through, one day things will get easier.
*hugs*
xxxx
Oh Rachel, in the past few days and months you have had a mountain of emotions to deal with and you have dealt with them and my god, it must have been so hard for you. You have amazing strength and that will carry you through the next few weeks until you know that your brother will be ok. Then you need to focus on you and treat yourself to some kindness and loving and see yourself right.
Things will settle down, I have faith in that. Please look after yourself until that time.
i harmed for the first time in months last night. no cuts...but bruising. oh well.
my grandma's death brought my father's death back to the forefront of my mind.
im so so so worried about my little bro. he wont let me help him. i have been where he is damnit!!! i think i could help him if he'd let me.
the poor guy didnt have insurance om his truck, so now he has no vehicle.
i dont know how much worse it could get for him. im worried about his LIFE.
if he will continue to LIVE through this. i just dont know. we cant supervise him every second. im not even there. i need to be with keely and kaleb, besides, my brother wouldnt want me around anyhow. he has said as much.
i cannot believe christmas is in 5 days. we havent done any freaking shopping for kaleb. kelly is the middle of a debilitating depression and i cant help her because im so ****ed up too!!!! we decorated pretty for christmas right after thanksgiving, so our place looks pretty. but now, its as if we dont even notice the beauty.
i dont think we've ever been this sad since we've been together.
PLEASE...if you pray, pray...if you light candles, light one, if you dance around trees, dance!!! whatever...PLEASE help us!!!
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I would dance around a tree for you if there weren't a foot of snow on the ground! You are very much in my thoughts, though. *safe hugs*
I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandmother, and your brother's accident. I can really feel how overwhelmed and at wit's end you are about Kelly's depression and not being ready for Christmas for Kaleb. Sometimes it just feels like it's one thing on top of the other, when any one of them by themselves would be more than enough to handle.
I'm sorry that you slipped up and harmed. Things have been so stressful, it 'makes sense', not in the way that, of course, it's ever truly a wise idea, but definitely in the sense that you really really need to go easy on yourself. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself-- first because you deserve it, and second because the stronger you are, the better you're able to help Kelly, Kaleb, your brother, etc.
Kaleb is little, right? So he shouldn't need much 'stuff' to be wowed--just a couple of inexpensive gifts, a nice dinner/brunch/whatever together, just spending some happy time as a family, going for a walk, a drive to look at Christmas lights, or whatnot. Encourage Kelly to take good care of herself, to keep her appointments with docs and such, and to make more if she needs them.
Obviously you want to be there for your brother, but you can only help him as much as he'll let you, and you yourself are already compromised by the stress in your life *without* wasting more energy talking to somebody with a closed mind. As much as you wish he'd let you teach him from your experience, you can't make him. The best you can do is tell him you care about him and are there for him, alert official people to your concerns about his suicidality/emotional state, and pray for him.
Please... I know you're really struggling and I don't want to give you a pat 'one day at a time' suggestion, but do try to slow down, handle things one by one, and make the most of the small good things.
This sounds so awful hun, I am so sorry to hear of this. Hun, Popcorn has some great ideas re kaleb and kelly. I think what you need to remember is something that I also struggle with - it isn't up to you to solve and sort out everbody's problems. You just need to be there for them right now but in a healthy way so that you can still support them and not become ill from all this. *hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
kelly and i actually got out and finished our christmas shopping yesterday. that made us both feel a bit better. little kaleb is going to have a very nice christmas.
i think we did great with what we had.
but jesus!!! last night i find out that my "good deal" with our charter bundle(phone,tv, and internet combined) has expired after a year. it just slipped up on me. so now we have almost a $400.00 bill. ughhhhhh.
my grandma is going to help...and then take it out of my account next month.
i reckon its always something. it really is becoming comical. i hate to say that, but ive had quite a bit of hysterical laughter....and hysterical crying which is wonderful because my ability to cry has been virtually nonexistant...and now the tears come in loads...and do you know that my tears irritate my skin??? ffs....i cant even cry without having a consequence!!! youre seeing the comical value now right??? i hope you are or ive just gone completely mad.
my brother is ok health wise. im not sure how he is mentally. it isnt often that he expresses emotions.
i have to absolutely brag about my little boy for a bit now. he is the most caring, supportive, generous, laid back, go with the flow 11 year old i have ever known!!! i honestly couldnt be more fortunate. i cry happy tears over this.
AND!!!! i found out the BIG surprise he is getting christmas morning!!!
he has been begging for a cell phone since matthew(his cousin that he lives with) got one. the rule has always been that the boys get a cell phone when they turn 13. wellllllllll....my child seems quite the persuader. my aunt cracked...hehehehehe. they bought him a cell...it will be activated christmas morning. they will have it wrapped and one of them will call it...his present is going to ring!!!! how awesome is that????
i truly think he deserves it. he gave his bicyle to the hurricane victims. he helps pass out plates of food every year at thanksgiving to less fortunate families, and hes great at saving his money. he knows the value of a dollar.
just had to tell you about my amazing son. i cannot believe he will be 12 next year!!! and OMG....its already started...he calls me "mom" now instead of "mommy"!!!! i knew it would happen. hes growing up. but he will always, always,always be my baby.
love to all.
and happy holidays to everyone!!!
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Your boy sounds amazing!! I am happy for you and excited about his christmas present... you'll have to post on here and tell us all how he reacts to his ringing present :)
Take care!!
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
