Triggering (SI) - uh ohhhh

[Rain Keeper]

I posted this earliire thinking i t was in suporpt.......sorry if i trigged anyone.





so today I am absolutely exhausted. I am taking the night off. first night in 6 weeks. I got the promotion but wil have to work boith jobs for the time being as I have not been there the required 90 day for a review---stupid laws/rules!

My skin is fading due to no sun exposure or time to quick tan away my scars and now they are more prominent once again turning purple when i am cold staying deep pink when i am not.. This has me slightly concerned because I have been focusing more on them. I think of the family pictures that will be taking in the next few days---being fresh scar free is a goal. I can only hope my resistance can last. Toying with an object here right now at work is very tempting.

It has been months. I have been good. I have had less stress and have acted on it before. I have no contact with friends anymore--oh yeah i didnt have friends to talk to before...well ...

I just need a hug. I am so depressed and tired of wearing this brave mask saying I am ok.

*sigh*
Rainy

[UbermoronicismAgain]

I would hug you if I could.
As for your skin fading, I know the feeling, but then I am naturally blue I'm so see through!

The prominance of your scars should only matter to you. If they bother you then tan away. If you're doing it for other people then screw it.
It is your body and your opinion of yourself that counts far more than any other. I have only only truely learnt that myself very recently.

As for work, it sucks. But it's life and unfortunately we have to suck it up because otherwise it sucks us instead and no-one wants work to take their life over.

Months is fantastic and you should be very proud. Just keep going and before you know it, it'll be a year.

You WILL be ok. I have faith in you and everyone else on here too.
I do believe things have to get worse before they will ever get better.

Look after yourself,
Iz x

[Rain Keeper]

I so much appreciate your response Iz!

My second work is a blast! I dont mind working so much because I am not so suicidal , thinking of cutting, or woriied about finances.

My scars are triggering me though. When I had a slight tan they faded a lot more. I have a bunch of amoeba like scars as well as the rail road stiched lines and when I reach for an item they seem to stand out to me. I know that a few people have glimpsed, one person had commented--all innocent.

I did call a doctor today and set an appointment for January 6th. I will try to stay clean of fresh wounds at least until one week longer... for the pictures that will be taken on Christmas. I did tell them that I was deppressed but also have not had a complete "woman" exam since *cough cough* 6 weeks after my 11 year old daughter was born. They will do the full blood work and all, so we shall see what comes my way.

It will be a good Christmas for the kids. I am actually excited this year. But I hate feeling so hyper/so blue everday. I want everyone to think I am ok. I do not think I really am...staying busy just post pones the crash or self inflictions.

Thanks again, sorry for the rant
Rain

[Sigma]

Hugs from me too. Congratulations on the promotion! you're doing great, it's a real inspiration for me, so thank you...

[UbermoronicismAgain]

Don't apologise for ranting! I think you're doing so well Rain.
Those examinations aren't fun, so I'll skip that if you don't mind ;)

As for the scars, I know what you mean. I was discussing mine with a friend this morning (bear in mind it's been about 1 1/2 years since my last one) and even then I felt a little strange and for the first time in a long while, I was triggered by them.
Maybe have a chat with your Dr when you go for your appointment? I don't know what he/she can do for you but she might be able to recommend something to help them fade, or a few tips to help you feel less triggered when you see them or to look at them in a different light?

I decided this morning, after said conversation, that I am not ashamed of them. I don't think I realised that until today. Not proud, but they are what they are, just like I am what I am and you are what you are.

Just my two pennies worth of wisdom ;)

Look after yourself, and have a fabulous Christmas with the kids.
Iz x

[Merc]

I just need a hug. I am so depressed and tired of wearing this brave mask saying I am ok.


^^first, *HUGE HUGS*. I have missed you so very much; you are a wonderful friend, you truly are luv. (i kept your message and play it just to hear you...i will call after the holidays ok?)

I'm glad you have let the 'mask' slip a little, even if its just here. Every bit helps. And we allll care for you and want to help if we can my dear FRainy *more hugs*
Keep fighting hunni, you are doing soooo incredibly well. I guess that is hard to see right now. I understand about the scars, i have some newish ones in a very noticeable spot and its been hell trying to hide them. I cant quite just say, the hell with it yet. They will fade again babe.
Oh i miss you, so much.
I hope you guys have a wonderful xmas nd new years
i'll be thinking of you tons
love you always
romp

[Casper_Fading]

Honey I understand the part about getting triggered by your own scars! It happens to me too. And i can't really tell you how to stop it happening! BUT I can tell you that instead of acting iw ould writ e alist (i wrote a lot of lists...) of the pros and cons of acting on my triggeredness and the pros and cons of the orginal action. It helped a little.

*cuddles you tightly* love you

[Kahlia1981]

*offers safe hugs*

Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from in regards to the triggerness (is that even a word ??) of scars. I hope that you can keep fighting.