Severely Triggering (ED) - Scared

[sopranonut]

I'm a bit scared.
I posted before about how i'm having problems with eating and don't really know what to do.

I had a review with the nurse at my health centre yesterday (just so i can get a repeat prescription) and she weighed me and said that i shouldn't lose any more weight because if i do i will be underweight (hope i'm allowed to say that?!) so anyway i couldn't help really smiling at this and she had a big go at me. My BMI has dropped a few points just over the last month or so and has dropped quite significantly over the past year.

But I don't understand how it is possibly that low because i'm definately NOT skinny. I don't think i'm that fat, just a bit chubby - how can it be that low? I think maybe there was something wrong with the scales and th nurse just had go at me cuz she's jealous.

Hearing that though just made me even more determined to lose more weight - i'm finding it so easy eating so little and i really don't want to eat.
I'm so scared though because there is rational part of me telling me i'm being stupid - i DESPERATELY don't want to get an ED - it sounds awful - but i REALLY want to be skinny. I love the praise i get and i love it when people comment that i have lost weight.

I'm really scared about xmas though - i know i will put on weight and there's no way i can not eat when i go home because we always eat together as a family and they will notice - and i'm going home for two whole weeks.

I don't know what to do??? I'm really scared.

I'm seeing m psych in a couple of hours and i don't know whether to tell him - i'm sure he will think i'm being stupid cuz i weight too much for it to be problem anyway.

Anyway, i'm sorry to bother you guys and i also haven't really offered much support to others in this forum - i don't really know what to say as advice though cuz i have so little experience with this.

Sorry i'm so stupid.

[Elysium.]

You arn't stupid -squishes-. Why would you class yourself as stupid just because you don't have much experience with this. It doesn't sound at all stupid to me. Don't be sorry =))

I just wanted to quote something you said.

"i'm sure he will think i'm being stupid cuz i weight too much for it to be problem anyway."

Now that is a common mistake most people make! And i hope he dosen't do the same to you, should you choose to tell him. The weight factor shouldn't be the thing that defines weather your struggling a lot. Or even to say you have some sort of eating disorder. It isn't about how low/heigh weight is. It's what goes on up there...In your head that should be the thing that is really focused on. By reading you post written here already sounds like you have some of the thoughts people with eating disorders have in early stages. I DO think it's worth telling him about how your feeling though. Maybe he could help before it yor thoughts progress more. & if you truely do feel he'll think your being stupid (some therapists are arses) then maybe take a trip to your GP and see your doctor or a nurse there. It's deffinatly not worth leaving and you shouldnt have to deal with them alone.

Caz
xxxx

[redfishbluefish]

just because you may weigh a lot (even though it sounds like you don't)
doesn't mean you aren't hurting yourself on the inside
and ED can kill you and you can still be a proper weight
they're weird scary animals that get trapped inside us
and are really hard to loose
be smart love

[sopranonut]

Thank you caz. I just got back from my appt. I did tell him - i was really embarrased though. I'm not really sure what he thought. I said that I was being stupid, but he didn't say I was stupid but he didn't say I wasn't either so really don't know. I did tell him though, I really didn't want to in some ways because I don't want anyone to know because I don't want to be made to eat, but at the same time i want help before this develops into a full blown ED.

We didn't really discuss my behaviours - we never really do, even with my SH we don't really discuss it - because i think he thinks it's more important to talk about the reasons behind it - but we didn't really have enough time to get into it.

I'm not seeing him again now till 6th Jan cuz of the xmas break. I'm terrified of xmas as i said before - but maybe it will be good if i can relax and spend time with my family and friends who i miss very much and possibly i could rekindle my love of food - as i did love food and was very fond of cooking before. At the same time this really scares me becuase not eating is helping me cope and is a good distraction from all the other crap that's going on in my head right now.

[sopranonut]

Sorry redbluefish i think you posted while i was writing the above. Thanks for your reply too.
I'm so aware of that (although i need to keep telling myself) but that is why i'm so scared, but i just feel like I CAN'T eat - even though in some ways i really want to - i'm scared that if start to eat i will lose control and eat too much, as a few years i used to be quite overweight from binging regularly.