Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - My mum has found out :(
Last night my mum found out that I was abused by my dad....raped anyway....it sickens me to even have to say that's what it was.
I don't live with her at the moment and all I got was a text saying she found something I had written for my therapist on my bedroom floor while she was hoovering....so now she knows and I can't cope with it,in fact I can't bear the fact that she knows and I don't even know what's going on...she sent me a few texts saying I need to go to the police,if I don't she will and asking me when it happened,that's it...that if I wanted to talk we could after Xmas.
How am I supposed to go home next week and play happy families with her and my brother?!I hate Christmas as it is and I'm going to be staying there for 2 weeks....I really can't cope with this.I'm so angry that I was stupid enough to leave something out on my floor for her to find,I don't remember doing it but obviously it was there,there are loads of other letters in my room that I've written to my therapist over the last 6 months,stuff that she's probably already found,I'm completely ****ed basically.
I'm angry at her...all she could be bothered to sent is a few crappy text messages,she didn't even ask me how I feel about it,somehow everything always becomes about her as usual and all she can do is be annoyed at me because I didn't tell her before and I've chosen to speak to my therapist over her.
I'm really struggling to hold on,I could just about deal with my therapist knowing and everything I'm talking to him about,but not her as well....I'm so confused too because I thought she knew what he had done all this time but had just avoided talking about it...I don't know what to do,I can't ring her,I never want to speak to her again.I called my therapist yesterday and left a message asking him to call me back today but I don't know if he will...I'm scared,I took an OD last night,obviously didn't work because I'm fine but I want to do it again today....I need somebody so badly and there is no-one here,I want a hug and there is never anybody there to comfort me,I can't bear this loneliness,I feel completely broken and I don't think there is anything anyone can do to put me back together again....I've ruined everything yet again and nothing is going to be the same again with my mum now she knows.
heya,
i'm really sorry that things happened this way. i can't imagine how scared and vulnerable you must feel at the moment. but you've got to hang in there, and keep yourself safe. hurting yourself is not the answer, and will only make the situation work. you did the right thing in posting, we're here for you, you don't have to struggle with this on your own.
i know it must have been really hard for you that your mom found out about this, and i know it's really scary at the moment, but maybe this will work out for the best? she's be able to help you get the support you need?
also is she still living with him? you have to consider her safety, and how hard it must have been for her to read that her husband, who she loved, hurt her daughter, who she loves too. she must be in a really scary place right now too. she probably feels confused and torn. give her some time, please don't turn to anger. she's being brave and addressing the situation, seems inspiring to me.
hang in there, you never know what this might lead to.
*squishes*
I'm really trying to hold on and keep mysef distracted but I'm all alone in the house and it's so hard...I can find even less reasons for staying alive now.My therapist still hasn't called me back,I don't know whether I should ring again because I guess he's busy and stuff but I just don't know who else to talk to,he is the only person who really knows the truth about any of this.
I honestly don't think it's for the best my mum finding it out,that's why it's hit me so hard....she has emotionally and physically abused me my whole life,everything I do or say I've been made to feel bad and guilty when most of the time I don't even know what I've done wrong.I've lost count of the amount of times I was hit,kicked and slapped by her and I know this is going to make things a million times worse.She doesn't live with my dad,no...my parents split when I was about 5,just before the SA started.I feel guilty that she is having to deal with this on her own...I hope she doesn't tell my younger brother because there is no way that I want to subject him to knowing and there is no need.My mum has depression too and I'm worried that because she lives on her own she is going to really hurt herself,she often talks about killing herself and I fear the worst...but I can't bring myself to ring her because what would I say?There are no words for this and I'm not sure yet that she even believes me,in fact I doubt she does....I don't want her to go to the police,I don't think she would,what if she contacts my dad or my other brother and sister?Then even more people are going to find out the disgusting things that I did.
that could so almost be me writing about things with my mom. i dont have much advice at this moment, but can listen if you want. i can totally relate, and feel for you. *hugs*
feel free to pm me.
sweetie, you are not to blame for what happened and you don't have to feel ashamed or guilty. Your father is the one who should be ashamed and will want things hidden, you have done nothing wrong, he has. Nor are you responsible for your mother's feelings or whether she hurts herself - you're first responsibility here is to look after yourself.
Where are you staying at the moment? Is there a friend you could call? Just to say you're feeling down, not to go into the details if you don't want to...
Try to stay safe and look after yourself - you deserve better...
My mum won't talk to me and I can't bear it...in fact,she won't talk to anyone and I'm so scared that she has harmed herself.My therapist tried to ring her today to talk to her about things and there was no reply...he left a message and he is going to to ring me tomorrow to let me know if they've spoken.
I feel so guilty that I have completely destroyed my mum's life,I never intended for her to find out like this,if at all and right before Xmas is a nightmare....I don't know what to do,I don't have the guts to pick up the phone because I don't have a clue what I would say,but the longer she doesn't talk to me,the more it makes me feel like I should feel even more ashamed than I already do and to blame if that makes sense....and all of this has suddenly made things very very real all over again in my head and I'm scared...one minute I think I am on the right track and then all these things get thrown at me at once and I'm really struggling to cope,in fact I feel suicidal because I have ****ed up once again and nothing will be the same again.I told my therapist today how I feel and he said that if I die by taking my own life then within a few hours the CPS will have all my case notes which will be made public because of an inquest and they will send out the police and get a warrant for my dad's arrest and I don't know if I could leave that behind me...but on the other hand I don't even know if my therapist is telling me the truth or is just trying to stop me....I feel completely screwed because now I can't even die because even more people will find out about the shameful things I did.
well done for talking to your therapist, also for having times when you feel you're on the right track - you are on the right track, you're doing really well in dealing with a horrible situation
part of the damage that's been done to you is that you feel responsible for the things that are not your fault. I know it's difficult to see it like that at the moment, but it's true - your parents should have looked after you, not hurt you and made you feel that the things they've done wrong are your fault. This is not your fault, you are not to blame, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Please try to stay safe, I guess it all feels overwhelming at the moment, but it will get easier.
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