Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Dirty! Ashamed and Angry!!

[~Grace~]

Yes.... I am dirty!!
Yes.... I am ashamed!!
Yes.... I am angry!!

Angry with myself, ashamed of myself!!
Why??

You want to know why??

Because after 4 years I allowed my husband to be affectionate towards me and I feel like filth. No we didnt have sex, I wouldnt allow that. But I should have stopped everything else too!!

I feel so dirty.....and yes I know thats wrong because hes my husband but I just cant help how my past affects my present time.

I hate it and my life so much.

[Stellata]

Affection is not the same as abuse.
Abuse is closeness of a twisted and distorted kind.
Affection with your husband is closeness, but of a real and loving kind.
A mind with 'grooves' in it caused by abuse can confuse the two.
The thing is, the more you allow affection in, the more it will cleanse those shadows inside. Sure, it illuminates them for a while, but that will pass. Think of it as showing you what needs tenderness and healing.

[Popple]

You are not dirty.
Katie is so so right
You have every right to be angry but not at yourself
You have done nothing wrong and it's so difficult but the fact yout let yourself get close to your husband shows how strong you are.
Is there anyone who you can talk to, to help you work through these feelings becase you deserve to be able to move on and have a happy life like you deserve.
Take care of yourself sweet
Feel free to pm me if you need anything
xx

[SecretMe]

Hon, Please don't be angry with yourself!

You should be angry at the horrid sick people who hurt you and robbed you of your ability to feel affection and intimacey as good and safe with your husband instead of always being reminded of what you've been through.

That is an awful heartbreaking struggle that I can relate to and I usually feel guilty for the people in my life who love me that just want to offer a gesture of affection and I cringe.

You aren't alone and I really care about you. There is no reason to be angry at yourself. This is a reaction you are having because of something that isn't your fault. I also agree that it would be helpful if you had someon in your life, a professional that could help you through these body and emotion reactions and triggers.

Please hang in there and know we're here for you.

*offers a gentle hug*

[Mandimoo]

not sure i have it right in my mind, but it is nearly 1am...

you feel these things because you did not stop him? or because you link affection with abuse?

if the 1st... he's your husband why should you feel bad for letting him be close like that?

if it's the 2nd then maybe it will be a lon road, but letting him get close, hugs cuddles etc and taking it slowly might be able to re-train your thoughts towards affection with your husband.

love u mand x