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Triggering (Suicide) - Why Is It.........?
......I go to the doctors to have stitches removed and end up being pounced on about not being up to date with my smear. Ok, its been seven years, but does she not think that if I wanted one I would have booked one. I know I need to. I know!! I just dont need someone telling me I do. I want to have one I just dont want it to happen thats all. Yes Im a total hypocrite......my son endured a year of chemo to kill his cancer. He was brave. I cant even face having a smear test done. I dont need to be told I know.
......My husband returns from his counselling session, comes to see me and blurts out ''we need to talk more''! ''we dont talk enough''. Ok? what shall we talk about then? The weather? whats for dinner? Or lets get to the point shall we? Is it us we need to talk about? Is it? Or lets really get down to the nittygritty!! Is it ME!! Im not going there. Its ALL I hear right now from my 'doc/cllr/nurse.psych'.....you need to open up, you need to share, you need to tell....its for the best!?? In whose eyes??? Whats for the best is if they all leave me well alone!! Dont put pressure on me as pressure is bad for me!!
......I am then told, Oh, ive reduced the overdraft on YOUR(MY) bank account!! Not shall I? Is it ok if? IVE DONE IT ALREADY!! What that means is that the overdraft we both incurred....it is BOTH our debt has now been sucked up by my money. How ****ing fantastic is that!!! I am livid....but no doubt she will see fit to trun that anger in on me tonight.
I dont care anymore. On top of everything else going on in my life...Im just glad Ive managed to save a good pile of pills for my own little party tonight. I know it will happen, Ive been told.
I just cant carry on like this anymore. Talk, talk, talk talk....its something I cant do. I never shared as a child and I cant start now.
I want to curl up and die. I want all this to end now. Its gone on for too long and there is no way out of it, not anymore.
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