Triggering (SI/Suicide) - How long? How does one decide????
I have battled this for so long I can't remember. I have conciously SI'd for about 6/7 years and it just keeps progressing. I have managed 18 months SI free before and yet is still came back. I will never been 'normal', I am so ****ing jealous of all these god damn people, friends, family, tv characters etc, who have plans and ambitions and can see them carrying forward. I don't see a future for me. I have been to a+e multiple times the last two weeks for stitches. But it is not enough. I have to destroy. I do not deserve happiness, I want it, but I have realised it is not possible. The best I can hope for is to be 'ok' whilst living under restrictions and even that will take stupid amounts of work. I have had these SI phases before, i.e dozens of stitches in multiple wounds, but this is the first time I have realised I will probably never be free of this. My parents don't know, when they found out originally, they didn't help and my friends who know just don't understand. They try, but how can they help? They can't.
I know that this will eventually kill me. That is the first time I have admitted this out loud, but it's true. I know, you either fight or die but I just feel in limbo. I am trying so hard to decide. I don't want to die, I want the old me back, the hopes, dreams, focus etc. I want the Oxbridge candidate, the popular one, the thin one, the SUCCESS, and yet I have this ****ing failure of a shell. I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this forever. How do people do this?
I want a ****ing mother who loves me, a Dad who respects me and loved ones who say they will be there and mean it. It's never going to be there though is it? So, my question is simple: how do you force your mind on recovery and getting better? How do you MAKE yourself recover? Put all this in the past and move forward? Is it possible? All I see now is death, and ways to kill myself. I don't want to die, but I feel READY too. I have the plans, but how does one decide one way or another???
You can move forward - and I would guess you are, even if it doesn't seem like that. To have managed 18 months SI free in the past is an amazing acheivement, and you will be able to do it again, even if you don't feel like that right now.
Being the success - yes, I used to want that, and in many ways still do, but I've met loads of Oxbridge graduates and many of them are are the most boring, conformist people you could ever meet - they've learnt how to pass exams well and fit in, that's all. And I've met loads of interesting, intelligent individual people who never went to Uni at all, because life never went in that direction for them. Also lots of thin, self-centred people, and lots of fantastic people who are normal weight or over weight.
I know it's difficult to be positive about yourself if the people around you aren't supportive, but try to remind yourself that you are an amazing, strong person, and there will be people who love and appreciate you for who you are. Is there anyone you can go to and talk about how you're feeling?
I love you honey. I'm not great with advice right now. but i have been where you are and I have though exactly what you thought. Even now I wonder if i'll ever be free of it. But I will never stop fighting. *cuddles you tigthyl* i love you sweetheat. YOu WILL get through this. You WILL! I have faith in yo and I KNOW you can do this.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I am thinking of you and hoping things start to move in a more positive direction.
One thing that I have found to help me when I feel hopeless and overwhelmed by the thought of continued living like this, is to focus on short amounts of time... whether it's just making it through the next day, the next hour, or whatever works for you. I also try to find something in my past that was positive and hold on to that memory and find something in the future that I can look forward to, even if it is something that seems small and maybe not all the significant. Those things have helped me keep on fighting when I've felt ready to "throw in the towel".
Please, if you ever want to talk, I'm hear to listen.. feel free to pm me.
Take care.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Thanks for the replies. I saw my CPN today for 20 minutes and told her most of how I am feeling. It didn't really help. She is going to contact my psych and arrange an appointment so I can go back on meds and she told me to stop drinking so much, sort out sleep etc etc. But how do you find the energy to do those things? I left with another appointment...for the 20th January.
I just feel so low, it's like I hurt and all I want to do is go to bed.
I have to drive back to the parents tonight (2hr drive), as I have work tomorrow. I put off thinking about it, both being at home and also going to work. But tonight it has hit me. I genuinely don't know how I will manage at work, with all the children. I am working 9-6, yet the most time I have spent out of the house over the last few weeks has been three or four hours at a time and even then I have been emotionally and physically exhausted. I just don't think I can do it. It's all new staff since I was last there too, I only know two other people working tomorrow and that is stressing me out as well.
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