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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Just need a bit of reassurance
Tomorrow I'm going to meet an abuse counsellor to talk about what happened in a past relationship. I want to talk about it, I want to get it out of my head and not have it affect me anymore, but it's terrifying thinking about opening up to someone about someting so personal. It's different on here, but tomorrow there will be someone sitting across from me, looking at me and that makes it so much harder.
The thing is, it isn't simple to explain - not without her thinking I'ma complete freak anyway. It was a 3way relationship that I got drawn into when I was 18 and having a tough time. Both the guy and the girl were controlling, using emotional blackmail a lot. I don't know if it was on purpose or not. But A would tell me that I was lucky he stuck with me cos no-one else would want me. If I wasn't in the mood I obviously didn't love them. One specific time S used a toy on me that I didn't like and wasn't comfortable with, and when I said I didn't like it, they both said I hadn't even given it a fair go yet and to stop complaining. So I lay back and let them continue til I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't fight them off and I should have, and I know it's nothing really, people have been through much worse. Afterwards S made me feel really guilty about it. I don't know why I let her make me feel guilty when it was me who was... violated. That's what it felt like. Now, sometimes when I try to be close with Rusty, I get upset and have a panic attack, because that relationship, and that incident in particular, made me feel like sex is a dirty thing and sometimes I can't get that out of my mind. When I'm really bad, I can feel them touching me and it's terrifying.
I know I'm pathetic for letting it affect me, but I felt so out of control and it felt like I was forced to do it, although they didn't physically hold me down.
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