Triggering (OD) - Quick Question re Meds Prescription - OOPS!!!!!!!!

ThinkingofRecovery · 30-11-2008, 08:53 PM

So, my psych wrote to my new GP and said that she supported me in having a month's supply of my meds (***removed***). The thing is, I've not taken OD of prescribed meds before but this is different. I know that I can OD and have a long sleep. I've been good this month but it is calling me more and more. I'm getting another month's supply and still have a few spare from this month as part of my prescription is prn. Should I speak to my GP and let him know that it is so tempting right now or will I be seen as attention seeking as this hasn't been a problem in the past as always taken OD of other stuff or should I just get the whole lot and hope for the best. Sorry, being silly.

phoenixflames_forever · 30-11-2008, 09:10 PM

First, not silly.
I definatley think you should speak to your doc about these feelings, you have to put your safety first and your doc wont or at least shouldn't judge you for that. It is NOT attention seeking and sure your GP would rather you explain it to them then take an OD and cause yourself harm.
At the end of the day you do what it takes to keep you safe.
If you dont want to go back to your GP how about a trusted person looking after some of your meds until you need them?

Hope your doing ok,

Phoenix

Casper_Fading · 30-11-2008, 09:17 PM

Tell your doc. That's not attention seeking, that's being smart! *cuddles you tightly*

ThinkingofRecovery · 30-11-2008, 09:49 PM

It's just that as far as they are aware things are much better. I haven't been found unconscious from drink and haven't needed attention for cuts (well, should have been but sorted most of them myself). This is going to seem a little "out of the blue" but I can't get it out of my head. At the same time I don't want them to be on some kind of heightened alert as I don't want them interfering. I suppose the real reason is I want that choice to be there - sorry.

phoenixflames_forever · 30-11-2008, 10:02 PM

Dont be sorry its a very human thing to want to have a choice. And instead of your doc thinking that your getting worse again, they might perceive it as a sign of recovery that you were prepared to take the initiative, protect yourself just in case and to not give yourself that choice because you want to get better and your prepared to work for it.

xxxxx

ThinkingofRecovery · 30-11-2008, 10:15 PM

If I can't have them there, feel kinda trapped. Probably won't do it but feel so shitty these past couple of weeks, feel as though heading towards depression again, just so low. Want to be able to escape it. I'll think about it, maybe I can get them and see how I feel. Seeing my cpn on friday so if still feel like it, perhaps I could let him know?

phoenixflames_forever · 30-11-2008, 10:21 PM

Definatley let them know, they can help you and want to help you, if you feel your heading down that road again then speak to someone, dont let it get to far, and remember everyone needs a little help and someone to speak to from time to time.
*gives lots of squishes*

Phoenix xxxxxxxx

Casper_Fading · 30-11-2008, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phoenixflames_forever

Definatley let them know, they can help you and want to help you, if you feel your heading down that road again then speak to someone, dont let it get to far, and remember everyone needs a little help and someone to speak to from time to time.
*gives lots of squishes*

^^ yesh

Misunderstood. · 01-12-2008, 05:31 PM

Yes I definitely think you should tell your CPN on Friday.
You may be put on weekly prescriptions which would help with the urges and the CPN might ask you to hand over the months worth you've got now possibly.
Until you feel safe enough to have possession of large amounts of tablets.
I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so low.
(hugs)

ThinkingofRecovery · 01-12-2008, 09:56 PM

Thanks. Called the drs and tried to get appt today, don't know why but just need to talk or release or something. Anyway, the dr that called back was from the other practice carrying out "triage" of those wanting appts and he told me to call cpn. Gee, thanks. Don't know what to do, how is talking going to help? Anyway, I told him that I am not safe and shouldn't get a whole month worth of meds so going to just collect 14 days worth (surely, still enough to do some damage with other stuff). Managed to call cpn and he actually called back. Apparently I am doing all the right stuff, whatever that means. Why is it so easy for them to say, well look you were ok for a couple of weeks a little while ago? Is that supposed to be enough for me to want to keep going. A couple of good weeks and the rest of the year feeling desperate, in despair, low, bursting into tears for no ****ing reason, wanting to die? I don't think it is. It's cruel to have to exist like this. Ended up crying in the toilets at work today but thankfully no-one noticed. I'm a wreck, I can't concentrate. Just so fed up of this ****. Don't want to fight anymore.

Misunderstood. · 01-12-2008, 10:12 PM

That was thoughtless of them to compare how you're feeling now to the past. Isn't very logical at all. And as for triage of people phoning up for appointments, gees. I would have thought weekly prescriptions would be wiser than bi-monthly, you could request that instead?
Do think you could ask for time off work? Or would make you worse do you think?
It is cruel for you to have to feel / be like this I agree.
What about phoning up for an emergency psych appointment?
Just a few suggestions, sorry if all the questions are overwhelming. xxx

ThinkingofRecovery · 01-12-2008, 10:30 PM

It was me that requested to have my prescription reduced not the dr despite me trying to get across how desperate I feel at the moment. I suppose if you tell them these things then they assume you won't - gosh how wrong have they been about it in the past.

No point trying to get an emergency psych appt because I'm not ill, I'm just defective. They seem to pin everything on things that have happened in my past. How is it that the case? I don't think it is. I understand that a large part of it can be attributed to things people have done to me but how does it account for me feeling so incredibly low, so ****ing fed-up and why is it life seems so pointless? Even when I was doing quite well for a week or two a few weeks back, I was still having thoughts of suicide etc. I can't just keep hanging on in there if this is all there is. It hurts so so much, I can't describe, I find it difficult to breathe and have had a few panic attacks recently when I hadn't had them for months.

Incredible urge to OD, etc. Can't keep doing this. Surely, there is more than "you know it comes in cycles". It just hurts.

I just need some peace, stability and dare I even say, happiness.

Misunderstood. · 01-12-2008, 10:38 PM

Well you could put it to them that you are indeed depressed, you don't have to settle for what they think being the truth. The past impacts on the present and can indeed cause depression.
Please don't OD. There are better solutions to you feeling this bad, that won't cause you harm.
You deserve peace stability and happiness.

ThinkingofRecovery · 01-12-2008, 10:43 PM

Thanks for replying to my drivel.

Have been on ADs in the past - fluoxetine and venlafaxine. Currently on an anti-psychotic for my impulsiveness etc, which has improved that aspect but now that behaviour re putting myself at risk and making myself vulnerable that I was doing in a such a chaotic, impulsive way, I want to do whilst stone cold sober and with thought so that it won't be a spur of a moment thing and perhaps be more successful. The AP I'm on is supposed to have anti-depressant properties also acc to my psych. If the ADs don't work, then I can't be ill, can I?

Casper_Fading · 01-12-2008, 10:48 PM

you are NOT defective. you are not.

Misunderstood. · 01-12-2008, 10:54 PM

That's not entirely true because there are so many different types of anti depressants that it takes time for people to find the right one. Different types of AD work on different chemicals in the brain and IMO it's more likely that you haven't found the right one yet.
Often the AD properties of an AP aren't strong enough to work on there own without an actual AdD being taken along side it as an addition.

Quote:

that behaviour re putting myself at risk and making myself vulnerable that I was doing in a such a chaotic, impulsive way, I want to do whilst stone cold sober and with thought so that it won't be a spur of a moment thing and perhaps be more successful.

Feeling so bad..that you want to die IMO means you are ill.
I agree that the AP is working but it's not enough to counteract all the symptoms you are suffering with at the moment.

ThinkingofRecovery · 02-12-2008, 08:09 PM

Spoke to HR. I'm owed loads of holidays (20 days) because I haven't taken them because been off sick. I admitted that I had been better and they suggested that I use some to give myself shorter weeks in the lead upto Christmas so now on 3 day weeks until Christmas and have whole of Christmas period off! My new supervisor said that I should take them. HR wanted me to tell him a little as to what is going on so that he will be sympathetic but guess what, when I said that to him he told me that he is aware that I have a rather serious medical condition, that I have had legitimate time off for it and that he does not need to know anymore. He also said that when they found out I was interested in taking a step back and being a paralegal for them instead of my actual role as a solicitor they did so knowing that I still have a medical condition, which requires appts and possibly more time off but they decided to balance that against my "excess skill" and think I am worth it. Oh my goodness, could have cried that they could think so much of me and not feel the need to pry into what it is that I have. He even said that they hope with a more healthy work environment (my old supervisor has a terrible reputation for actually making people ill) that I will get back on my feet properly.

So, why is it I can't hear that, can only hear the voices. Why is it ,that I feel so ****ing low and need to slash myself to bits as a stop-gap until I end up taking an OD? Why does it hurt so ****ing much?

Stupid, pathetic, fat, ugly, worthless, piece of ****.

Trucktastic · 02-12-2008, 10:07 PM

^^^ don't agree with your last line, not at all. How can you be stupid? Law degrees are not easy to come by! How are you pathetic? You've fought though a lot of bad crap and are still fighting, this thread shows that.
I don't think you're ugly or fat, no one is ugly, at all.
Worthless? Just read your last post and see how worthless your employers think you are? Not at all. If they did, you wouldn't still be working there. They are obviously trying to help you, to stay on with them, and the reason is they know they have a gem with you, and will do what they can to keep it.
Piece of ****?? Read my comments as above - no way in hell are you that!

On the first posts to this threads - most pharmacies love weekly prescriptions, they get paid more. Most GPs also like to do them, they also get paid more. You can also ask for them to be put into a daily dosette box (or buy one and ask the pharmacy to dispense them into it for you) - these let you control your meds better.

But whatever happens, please take care of yourself, Hunny. You are worth an awful lot more than you think you are.

Loz xx

ThinkingofRecovery · 02-12-2008, 11:20 PM

I don't understand. Are they playing tricks? Are they part of the plan? I don't deserve people to be nice like this to me. I really am a freak, who deserves to be hurt, to die. It seems pathetic but it hurts so so so so much. Need to hurt me. Going to drink too much, going to cut, going to be hungover for work and then tomorrow afternoon, when I have fulfilled my obligations for work, I might take an OD. Not sure whether this is to harm or to kill. I just don't know. I don't know how to keep dealing with these feelings. Being told "it comes in cycles" really doesn't help. Have been "good" for weeks. I've practised standing on the tracks, now going to try again but when they are still running. Problem is, it can't be when people are around. Don't want to be saved, I used to want to but not anymore. Not going to live like this any longer.

Pharmacies won't get paid more for me - finally sorted out pre-payment certificate after being ripped off past year with all meds and restricted prescriptions

ThinkingofRecovery · 04-12-2008, 11:46 AM

Oh well. It was inevitable wasn't it. So mad with myself for not hanging on for just 1 more day because that way would not have had to call in sick as now on 3 day weeks. Took OD of meds, called crisis team and they said had to go to hospital - well considering the record of them having my back door smashed in, I did as I was told. Spent overnight in hospital til following afternoon. Apparently the OD had caused my heart to race way too much (hence constant obs and ECGs - I hate those buggers, always feel so exposed - urgh). I was pretty much only coming round when they sent me home.

Now, have to hope for the best that GP has not been informed (they couldn't find him on the database and had previous GP down) so can pick up my meds as have none left and they do generally help.

So mad that I took an OD. Last one was way back in middle of May. I thought, even though I still think about them and sometimes it becomes overrwhelming, I thought I had kicked that aspect. Apparently not. Just sabotage everything. I hate myself so much!