I need my partner so much.
I feel completely lost without him. He told me not to become too dependant on him, but I don't think I'm dependant. Just in love with someone who might not love me.
About two months ago I woke up (being drunk) with a 'friend' (I invited him to sleep on my sofa) having sex with me. I told him to get off and he continued until I pushed him. Dad says it was rape, but I feel completely responsible for it. I told my boyfriend that I slept with someone else, and now I'm scared he wont want to end this 'break' or sleep with someone else to get back at me.
See, we're meant to be 'on a break'. First it was over the summer, then it was for a couple of years. Then he turned up to a party with some pretty, young girl. I asked if he was with her and he said 'i don't want to talk about this while you're drunk'.
Arrrghhh I just feel so empty. I can't bear to loose someone I love again. I've been through it already (my mum died) and I truly don't think I'll be able to live with another loss.
He said, even when we're on a break, he'll always be there for me. So I'm going to phone him tonight and see if he cares. If he acts really 'off' with me, I'm going to give up on my 11 days free and just slice myself up.
Please dont hurt yourself,
I know there's not much i can say to make you feel any better,but i read this post and needed you to know i cared.
To be honest my initial opinion when i read this was - screw him, and if he is off with you then try and think of that, whatever he doesn't deserve you.
I know thats not easy to do with someone you love and i truly understand how painful it is to loose someone you love, but you owe it to yourself to realize you are an independent person and you can live your life with or without that guy. I cant speak for your mum, but i think she would of liked you to of done that.
Me and my ex were constantly going on a break, and i realized in the end, that i didn't owe him anything and deserved better than too not know were i stand.
If he is reasonable and truly wants to talk to you, then give him a chance to speak, but, that means you have to be honest about how you feel as well, let him know the position your in and see what he has to say about it.
At the end of the day dont take no crap, cause your worth a hell of a lot more.
PM anytime,
Phoenix xxxx
Wish i could tie you up in my shoes....make you feel unpretty too...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see......
You're still here in my heart.
Really feel for your pain.
I fully understand that you love him despite other things that may be going on (I am stuck in a vaguely similiar position myself).
The only advice I have is do what is best for you right now, take care of yourself and come here if you need to rant and rave about him.
I was truly interested to see what Mary Anne would say because of all the people I know here, I think she would be the one to relate the most and understand the best, what you are going through.
I can imagine it must hurt a great deal. It always does when you lose someone you care about. I agree with Phoenix though. You deserve, and I believe both your parents would want you to have, better.
I also agree with your dad. What happened with that "friend" makes me extremely angry and I would call it rape too. Just because you were drunk and because you invited them to sleep over doesn't mean you wanted to have sex with them and you clearly said "no." You tried to stop it. You couldn't and if you think because you gave up fighting it's your fault you are wrong! No means no. It is not your fault that someone took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable position!
Then, to make matters worse not only are you beating yourself up about that, you are beating yourself up over a guy who won't stay with you and wants to be on a break because of what happened to you.
I wish I could be there next to you so I could tell you stop it! Then, hug you, and be there with you as you go through this. You are worth so much more and so much better.
Please don't hurt yourself. You have been hurt enough. If you need to come back here. Write more. Or send a private message to one of us. We all care about you very much and want you to know you aren't alone here. It's safe to come here however you feel.
*offers hugs*
We're here if you need us.
Last edited by SecretMe : 01-12-2008 at 04:36 AM.
Reason: spelling
Don't slice yourself up, there is no damage done here that can't be repaired!
I agree with your dad. No means NO and it IS rape. I bet if your dad knew where this 'friend' was, he would pay him a visit and I think if your partner really loved you and found out he would be just as mad, but not at you. I hope you can find the courage to tell him exactly what happened. He might fell that he's been cheated by what you've told him and might be hurting from it. How would you feel if he hurt himself or worse because he thought you had slept with someone else like you told him? If you really want everything sorted out you have to be honest. You can't blame him for not wanting to fix up the relationship if you've just told him that you slept with someone else. He needs to know the truth and I think you need to be able to talk to someone too. By the same token he has to be honest with you too, if a relationship is to survive. I don't know what he was doing at the party with someone else but you need to find out. You need to know that you can trust him if you're going to fix things up. I think you might want to consider cutting back on the alcohol too. It's only going to ruin your life if you keep getting drunk. It's already put you in that vulnerable position and it's also a depressant and will make you feel worse.
It's also very unhealthy to be dependant on relationships. I know because I used to be the same. I was with someone who was constantly unfaithful to me and she kept telling me I was worthless, mental and wouldn't get any better and I ended up believing her. I was an easy target for her malice because of the BPD which was undiagnosed at the time. Like you I did have strong feelings of love for her but they also to to hate very quickly, it was very unstable. She ended up dumping me to be with another guy she was seeing and she had also gotten herself pregnant to her own sister's husband! It took months to recovery from that before I met my partner and years to fully trust again. That was over 6 years ago and I can tell you that it's far better to be single than be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive, manipulative and not fully commited to being with you.
Whatever happens I wish you luck and I hope you can get out of this terrible feeling one way or the other.
Good luck
Nathan
Last edited by airwolf282 : 01-12-2008 at 06:08 AM.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
Thank you all for the replies and hugs.
The problem with the man who 'raped' me is that he is my boyfriend's best friend and I'm therefore reluctant to tell him what happened in case he believes his mate and then thinks I'm lying.
I texted my boyfriend last night asking him if he still loves me the way he used to or if he's just not brave enough to break up with me for good. He said 'i love you and im not saying i want to be apart from you forever, far from it, I just don't want a girlfriend right now as I want to focus on uni'
Which is fair enough. But I see him as much more than a boyfriend and it seems he only sees me as a girlfriend...who is a burden. I don't think he can deal with my mental health problems and is trying to distance himself so that he doesn't have to put up with it.
I trust him completely, but I'm so scared that he'll want to sleep with someone else while we're on this break. He's a man, I can't see how he'll go two years without sex. If he did try to have sex with me I'd push him away, even though I'd love that closeness again, because a. I would think he was only trying to satisfy himself rather than feel close to me again and b. because the meds and SH have absolutely ruined my body. It'll be a long long time before I feel ready to let anyone see me naked again.
That's another reason why I didn't want to sleep with the guy who had sex with me. If only I could somehow explain that to my partner.
Feeling a little more in control today so have more to say.
Like others have said your parents may want better for you but I know that it does not help you, you cannot help who you fall in love with and you don't stop loving them because they want 'a break' (I hate this phrase so much right now). It is the most hurtful thing imaginable that the person you love and you thought loved you pushes you away.
I know the fear you are feeling that he cannot cope with your mental health issues but I bet you have never hidden them from him and so that is no reason what so ever and don't think that is the reason, I am sure that he only wishes you would feel better.
The weight issues - please do not beat yourself up about this. My other half is really mean about my weight (I sway from not eating to huge binges and back again and as a result my wieght can change hugely). Your weight issues are in no way your fault and you have vastly more important things to worry about right now.
With regards to the assault - from what I can see this is rape, no means no. Okay, this doesn't help as you knew that. I think you need to tell your boyfriend, his mate is going to deny it but you should not let this 'mate' think that it is alright to do that.
Lastly (as I know this is way long). I know how you feel with regards to the fact you think he will come to you to 'scratch his itch'. You really have to be prepared for this as I fell for this one recently (stupid stupid me I know, I got the whole, I need to be close to you story), if you want it as well, then go ahead but think about how you will feel afterwards (horrible in my case). When he said he wants to concentrate on uni 'just now' try not to read too much into it (all too easy and I am fully guilty of doing it) he won't mean the entire duration of university (mind you I have to confess I didn't have sex through the WHOLE of uni cause I was so messed up mentally I wouldn't let anyone near me - yes 4 years of nothing).
Not sure if I have been of any use but I really hope you are okay.
lots of love and hugs.x.
Thank you all for the replies and hugs.
The problem with the man who 'raped' me is that he is my boyfriend's best friend and I'm therefore reluctant to tell him what happened in case he believes his mate and then thinks I'm lying.
I texted my boyfriend last night asking him if he still loves me the way he used to or if he's just not brave enough to break up with me for good. He said 'i love you and im not saying i want to be apart from you forever, far from it, I just don't want a girlfriend right now as I want to focus on uni'
Which is fair enough. But I see him as much more than a boyfriend and it seems he only sees me as a girlfriend...who is a burden. I don't think he can deal with my mental health problems and is trying to distance himself so that he doesn't have to put up with it.
I trust him completely, but I'm so scared that he'll want to sleep with someone else while we're on this break. He's a man, I can't see how he'll go two years without sex. If he did try to have sex with me I'd push him away, even though I'd love that closeness again, because a. I would think he was only trying to satisfy himself rather than feel close to me again and b. because the meds and SH have absolutely ruined my body. It'll be a long long time before I feel ready to let anyone see me naked again.
That's another reason why I didn't want to sleep with the guy who had sex with me. If only I could somehow explain that to my partner.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
It sounds more like he's not treating you as though he loves you. I don't think that concentrating on uni thing is really genuine. I've heard similar excuses from ex girlfriends, I think it's just a chicken **** way of breaking up with someone without really saying it. And what kind of loving boyfriend would trust the word of his friend over yours? If any of this is correct he probably will sleep with someone else if he hasn't done so already. Having said that, it's not really fair to judge all men by the actions of some. I was about 19 or 20 before I even slept with someone. After that relationship ended, I never slept with anyone until I became engaged and I was past 21 by then. That's 2 different women I have been fully intimate with in a whole lifetime. The average male has something like 17 different partners. Not all men are like a whore, especially those of us that have been hurt by women that are. He sounds like someone who is too insecure to 'officially' break up with you so he would have you there as a 'back up' girlfriend if someone else doesn't work out. I could be wrong though, I only say it because I have known girls who have treated me in the exact same way.
PS: sorry for the above quote.......my bad, I can't quite figure out how to use the quote function
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
