Triggering (SI) - SI, dissociation and other problems, advice?

[Target Dawn]

My online friend told me to post the problems that I'm having here although I'm not sure how much it will help.
My counsellor wants to speak with my psychiatrist about some things I told her in todays session. Some of the things I told her were that people seem to be following me in the street (walking behind me), I keep on thinking people are going to attack me as they walk closer to me because as they get closer my thoughts are louder to them and they are thoughts about them. I have to carry a knife everywhere otherwise I have avoid people on the street. There are some other things although I can't remember but people all around me keep on telling me I'm paranoid. Although, I know my thoughts are irrational but I still think these things are happening, so does that mean I'm not paranoid? I don't think I am because I'm aware that my thoughts aren't rational.

Also I keep on having mood swings which I'm aware of because I get depressed for what seems like no reason and then angry for no reason, etc. Then when I actually am feeling ok on the rare day people accuse me of being "too happy"! This is really annoying because that just takes away the good mood and makes me feel like killing them all for destroying the only happiness I've had in a while. Also sometimes I've had other weird experiences which I've told my counsellor about like recently I lost 34 minutes walking down the stairs and once I lost more than 2 hours just sitting at my computer desk. No one believes me and my mother thinks it's a delusion but the clock doesn't lie.
I often get dissociated really bad and I am so now, not feeling like a person. I'd rather be depressed because when I get dissociated I self harm to feel something and no matter how much I do it, the pain itself seems unreal and doesn't help at all. I've self harmed 3 times in the past week and before that I hadn't done so for almost 1 year.

Well, I'm not sure what the aim of posting this is, maybe just your opinions?

[Stellata]

I just wanted to say how I can empathise with the walking down the street and people following situation. I experience similar. For me it's mainly because I was severely bullied at school, including them following me. I don't go to such lengths as carry a knife, but I have all kinds of avoidance measures to help me 'cope' with it.
I'm working on it in therapy, but it takes time.

Dissociation is often a defence, a protection against feelings that are hard to face. Is there anything like that that might be causing it?

[Target Dawn]

I was bulled at school as well although it wasn't severely, it was more name calling than anything else. That doesn't bother me now though, it's a shame that it still bothers you.
As far as I can tell, there's no feelings that I haven't faced up to but then again, there might be some I don't know about. I spent most of my teen life denying things to myself and to others but now I've opened up, as much as one can be open that is. Maybe it's not enough though...who knows.

Thanks for your comment Stellata.

[Steel Maiden]

I think this is an important issue to directly discuss with your psych. From my own experience, delaying consultation can have bad circumstances. I must warn you though, if the police do a stop and search on you, and find a knife in your bag, they could prosecute you or give you a caution.

[Target Dawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

I think this is an important issue to directly discuss with your psych. From my own experience, delaying consultation can have bad circumstances. I must warn you though, if the police do a stop and search on you, and find a knife in your bag, they could prosecute you or give you a caution.

The police have already found a knife in my bag once but it was classed as a pocket knife since the blade was less than 10cm long (it was 9.5cm) so all they did was tell me to leave it at home from now on.

Besides from that I had an appointment with my psych today. She didn't tell me anything really but just asked a lot of questions, some of them quite strange like asking me if I had super powers.
My mother spent the whole appointment talking with a different psychologist about me, I'm not sure about what but at the end of it we all went into the same room again and the psychiatrist told me to consider taking medication. However, she never told me what it would be for or what type of medication, so I said no. It was almost like she didn't want to tell me what she thought about me so that got me wondering if there was anything really "wrong" or if they were just trying to get an excuse to "zombie me" with pills.

[Stellata]

The question about 'super powers' would have been to assess what's known as 'grandiosity' [google it] which is a symptom of some mental health diagnoses.

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Ruby

The police have already found a knife in my bag once but it was classed as a pocket knife since the blade was less than 10cm long (it was 9.5cm) so all they did was tell me to leave it at home from now on.

Besides from that I had an appointment with my psych today. She didn't tell me anything really but just asked a lot of questions, some of them quite strange like asking me if I had super powers.
My mother spent the whole appointment talking with a different psychologist about me, I'm not sure about what but at the end of it we all went into the same room again and the psychiatrist told me to consider taking medication. However, she never told me what it would be for or what type of medication, so I said no. It was almost like she didn't want to tell me what she thought about me so that got me wondering if there was anything really "wrong" or if they were just trying to get an excuse to "zombie me" with pills.

Please be careful with the knife. I am glad that the police didn't charge you with anything.
Psychiatrists ask many strange questions, I agree.
Well you should ask her what the name of the medication she wants you to have is. Then you can look it up on the internet.
Saying no outright to meds can be risky. It is best to analyse the situation at hand and ask as many questions as you want yourself to your psych.
I have paranoid schizophrenia - I've been taking meds for about 4 years now and from my experience, meds can be very helpful. Meds have brought me from the deep depths of being section in a secure unit to going to Cambridge University (although I admit the meds stopped working and I had to drop out for a year...). Without meds I wouldn't be alive today; what I am trying to say is that whatever is wrong with you, give the meds a try and see if they help. "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
Sorry for this long rambling-about-rubbish reply.

[Target Dawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

Please be careful with the knife. I am glad that the police didn't charge you with anything.
Psychiatrists ask many strange questions, I agree.
Well you should ask her what the name of the medication she wants you to have is. Then you can look it up on the internet.
Saying no outright to meds can be risky. It is best to analyse the situation at hand and ask as many questions as you want yourself to your psych.
I have paranoid schizophrenia - I've been taking meds for about 4 years now and from my experience, meds can be very helpful. Meds have brought me from the deep depths of being section in a secure unit to going to Cambridge University (although I admit the meds stopped working and I had to drop out for a year...). Without meds I wouldn't be alive today; what I am trying to say is that whatever is wrong with you, give the meds a try and see if they help. "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
Sorry for this long rambling-about-rubbish reply.

I've got another appointment with the psych in just over a week so if she mentions the medication again, I'll ask her what it's called, what it's for etc. I just have my suspisions that they are trying to get me to take pills so they have some kind of 'control' over me (like if I take pills, people will think they somehow have more authority over what I do with my life and will try to get me to do things I don't want to do because of it).
I know that sometimes meds are necessary but in my situation, I don't think they are. I mean, how is taking a pill everyday going to stop people from looking at me when I walk down the street? I can't control their eyes, which is what I told the psych.
Anyway, thanks for your advice. If I try other things before meds and they don't do anything, then I might consider taking whatever the psych was talking about.

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Ruby

I've got another appointment with the psych in just over a week so if she mentions the medication again, I'll ask her what it's called, what it's for etc. I just have my suspisions that they are trying to get me to take pills so they have some kind of 'control' over me (like if I take pills, people will think they somehow have more authority over what I do with my life and will try to get me to do things I don't want to do because of it).
I know that sometimes meds are necessary but in my situation, I don't think they are. I mean, how is taking a pill everyday going to stop people from looking at me when I walk down the street? I can't control their eyes, which is what I told the psych.
Anyway, thanks for your advice. If I try other things before meds and they don't do anything, then I might consider taking whatever the psych was talking about.

You shold ask as many questions as possible about the medication. I would also suggest asking for a leaflet about it.
The pills will, at very least, make you feel calmer and more in control.
I hope that you will find the right thing for yourself.

[Target Dawn]

Thanks :)
I'm going to write a list of questions to ask and see how that goes.

[Steel Maiden]

Please do tell us how it goes.
Good luck.

[Target Dawn]

UPDATE

I saw my psychiatrist and even though there was some debate, in the end it was decided that since I'm not a danger to myself I can stay off medication for now but if things get any worse over xmas while they are away I have to tell someone and speak to another psych either from the crisis team or at the ER.
I think that's fair but am a little worried because I don't know what's going to happen. One hour I can be fine, the next I'm balling my eyes out and the next I'm anxious about things that don't even make sense to me.
...I'll just wait.

[Steel Maiden]

Good luck. Remember if anything goes really wrong, go straight to emergency.