Well my head has entered stupid mode...i KNOW it is wrong, I KNOW it is dangerous..but as of tomorrow i am not eating till i lose some weight. I cant stand this extra any longer. It is horrible..my clothes dont feel right, i look horrid, i feel horrid. So all the sudden i hit back on starve mode. I know i know...
But i will lose the weight, i will feel better, theni can get out and get back to exercise so i dont need to starve and do stupid things like purge...i hate being like htis. I acnt be comfortable anywhere, wnytime...
SO after a fun day today (at Playland YAY!) and a great special supper out, i am now no longer allowed to eat,. That was the deal...if i got the dinner i wanted i had to stop tomorrow. So aftyer a few days it becomes easy and then it workls and satys that way for months for me (cos i'll get off the AP's too).
Oh i know this is dumb....but i HAVE to. Even knowing all i do, researching what happens to your body...i still cant stand me...
and the rest of it...
I cannot close my eyes without seeing me cutting off my hand...scary thing ..i know certain steps i have to take for after and...i found soem of those things done and I DONT REMEMBER DOING THEM. That worries me, probably not as much as it should tho.
I cant get the thought/image/desire out of my head..awake , asleep, doesnt matter..it is aklways there, this horrible urge. I want to do it sooo badly...im scared it sonly a matter of time.
Like i wanted to shoot myself..it was only a matter of time befor ei did it..then the second time jsut was easier...
oh god..
im sorry
im sounding so ****ed up im sure
romp
oh huni i know how it feels to flick that switch inside your brain to not eat. but you have to eat damn it! i dont want you to disappear every time you turn sideways!!
please try to cleanse your mind... try to fix a positive image there instead... like everytime you start to see your hand start mentally morphing it into something like a plumeria flower... or a cute kitten... something there is no way you would ever want to hurt. basically by doing this repeatedly you end up retraining your brain and purging those images from your mind. please please try it... i know it sounds a little odd but it really does work huni xx
I have had the cutting off my own hand thing.
I know how horrible it is to have the thought plague you.
But you can get throughi it.
Why do you feel the need to cut off your hand?
I hope things get better.
Pm me anytime for a chat.
xxx
Romp please speak to some one about these urges. Get rid of any means you have to do it. You said the thought scares you a little, good that is a start. It needs to scare you. So go with that thought, get rid of everthing you could use just incase the impulse strikes. Stay safe.
As for not eating, if youhave done it previously, then you knw that you only lose for a short while, then it stops or even gains. And when you do eat again, not only will it be a battle but you will put that weight back on really fast. You say you want to exercise, then go for it. Maybe even start small with a brisk walk outside.Much better than starving yourself. Better than the cramps and the pain.
thank you all...
i know it is stupid, the not eating bit..im going to try to eat just fruit tonight for supper, not great but better than nothing. It doesnt help that hubby will be away for dinnertime for 3 nights running..juast the time i need to get 'settled' in. And surprisingly, i dont tend to gain again or gain fast...i think the last time i did this was last spring/early summer last year. I'm lucky, i can usually eat anything i want and not gain, high metab. and a family who is smallish i suppose.
Alchy, it doesnt sound odd..it makes sense.
I dont know if the urge is partly because i am left alone again psych/help wise?? Possibly. I have been referred to the local MH team but of course have heard nothing...they only sent out an ambulance and police to the house a bit ago and they insisted i HAD to go to ER..that was lovely. They have had many dealing with me..from ER, to mental hsopital, to calls to the Emerg. services (which are a waste..they jsut send out the police etc...)
Maybe its a way to show them i DO need help...i only ever get listened to when i am in need of stitches or staples etc..i go in BEFORE doing anything and they send me home with nothing...it's a horrible system. But another part doesnt WANT them to know..i DONT want to do this JUST so they will notice, that isnt hwo i work. This isnt some stupid 'attention' scheme if you understand that??
Why do i want to??
Becaus ei want to feel it...as sick as that sounds..i want to do it just for its own sake..i wan to see it, feel it...even tho i realize it could mean bleeding to death if i dont get help soon enouigh or if i end up passing out.
i dont know...i really dont.
my head is messed..i guess thats stating the obvious huh?
There is no one to tell...i have only my GP and he would ..well..i dont know what the poor man would do. I would almost feel sorry for putting him in that place...he's such a great doc and i know it freak the living hell out of him. He has already restricted my meds to weekly dosage....
So i'll keep swinging on this thin little string, hoping soon soemone will help me...
Oh..read a write up of our "mental health services"...WOW they sure are fantastic!!! They offer tons of groups, therapies, IP/OP etc...wow...so ahhh....where the **** is it??!! Havent found that out yet...
oh well
thanks tho for the support, it means very much
romp
thank youfor replying...pls dont feel badly..it sounds you are going thru hell yourself right now...pls focus on YOU and if i can help in anyway pls PM okay??
I hope this passes soon for you
here if you need
romp
hey hun, i recomend a chainmail glove set and wear it all the time. will slow you down a bit!
exercise is ok, and eating healthier.
if your clothes feel less baggy, buy a bigger size and sew different labels in them so you feel better. love u sis, sorry nothing to give today, am wiped. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
first thanks again...
second sorry for being an idiot...
have tried not to eat all day, which of course me being the weak **** i am made me want ot eat more..and i did..so then i had to purge every single thing i ate or drank..except water.
lovely, bloody lovely..and so it begins
i thought it would start with restricting a bit...but no..it begins this way
but does it really matter how it starts?
sorry to let you down...
romp
