I've just started schema therapy and it's proving to be really intense and emotional and I have no one to discuss my feelings with other than my psychologist so I just wanted somewhere to talk about things. Hugs and comments would be appreciated. I would have posted in R&V but as I said, i'd appreciate support because I think that things are going to be tough.
So I completed a questionnaire with 232 questions, it was easy, even though I had to do the first 104 with my psychologist because she thought they might upset me. I felt fine. She scored the questionnaire and it turns out that I have 11 schema, the information sheet says that people with psychological problems have at least one or two, and sometimes more. 11 seems rather extreme to me though. It has made me feel like there is so much wrong with me that I am never going to get better.
During my last session with my psychologist we went through the first three:
Emotional Deprivation
From the information sheet: This schema refers to the belief that one's primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs include nurturance, empathy, affection, protection, guidance, and caring from others. Often parents were emotionally depriving to the child.
I was pretty confused by this because I can't really remember being emotional as a child or how I was responded to. No one was very 'loving' I only remember my Mum hugging me once when I was ill. I'm sure I was really close to my Dad though. My psychologist said that because my Mum was an alcoholic and probably had emotional problems of her own she wouldn't have been great at supporting me emotionally or modelling ways to cope with emotions. Because my Dad is older then he might not be so emotional because of the generation he is from. We concluded that this is one of my primary schema because it has come directly from an event and because of the fact that I used to self harm which shows that i'm not sure about how to cope with my emotions.
Abandonment/instability
From information sheet: This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end imminently. As children, these clients may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child's needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions when the child was left alone or unattended for extended periods.
It's obvious that my Mum dying might have caused this, and the fact that she was in hospital a lot and when I went to her in the middle of the night she would sometimes be out at the shops buying drink. My psychologist said that it also could have been caused because I was given responsibility for looking after the house and things when it was too early for me to be doing that. Again, this is one of my primary schema.
Social isolation/alienation
This schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they or their families are different from other people.
I remember that some people at school kept pointing out that my Dad was really old and sometimes bullied me about it but it didn't bother me because I love him. my psychologist thought that it might have come up through the bullying at high school and stuff but that didn't bother me much either. In the end she said that it's likely to be a secondary schema which has come about as a way of coping with a primary schema, probably something like the abandonment one because I might avoid people and then feel isolated.
If my Mum's emotional problems had this effect on me i'm so terrified about what I might be doing to my brother.
I dreamt that there was a hospital where people's body parts disappeared if there was something wrong with that part. A part of me was missing but I couldn't tell what it was. It must have been inside of me. It's true that I'm internally flawed, i'm broken inside (this relates to one of my other schema which i'm not going to write about yet).
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Those're ones I strongly relate to, too. ((gentle hug))
It sounds a lot, I know. It seems like a thread or two connect them all. Feeling alone and different, perhaps?
That is a powerful dream. It sounds like perhaps you're abandoning those fragile and vulnerable parts of yourself in the name of healing. That's something I've done too. But more and more I see how healing isn't like that. Healing is accepting all of you, and building loving arms around the pain.
The next three, with my own thoughts, I haven't discussed them with my psychologist yet. She wants to go more slowly because I got upset about the first three but I just want to keep moving forward as quickly as possible.
Defectiveness/shame
This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realise this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally, parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.
I don't remember anyone being hugely critical of me. There were some mild things. I am internally flawed though. I was messing things up before I was even born and I couldn't have developed a schema before birth. I have no idea if this is a primary or a secondary schema.
Failure
This schema refers to the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one's peers in areas such as career, school, or sports. These clients may feel stupid, inept, untalented, or ignorant. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure. Usually the parents do not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement.
I do feel like this, but not hugely. No one has ever made me feel like a failure because I haven't ever objectively been one. I've always been in the top achieving part of classes and have been made aware of that. I just feel like nothing I do is right, like when I got 85% for an essay, it could have been greater so in my mind I failed.
Dependence/incompetence
This schema refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day to day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.
I was encouraged to act independently, i'm sure. I don't know where this has come from. I'm guessing it's secondary probably because I have become an idiot. Depression has made me feel unable to do many things by myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This schema refers to the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical, criminal, etc). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.
The world IS dangerous, things do go wrong and keep going wrong even when they are right. That's why I have to do my rituals to protect my family. So there is no doubt that I do have this schema. I don't remember my Mum or Dad being excessively fearful though.
Subjugation
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.
Yes I normally do what other people want so that they don't feel bad, but only if they are people who are important to me. I guess that if I didn't do what my Mum wanted, even the little things, then she would easily get hurt or angry.
Self sacrifice
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs they often feel guilty. To avoid the guilt they put others' needs before their own. Often clients who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.
Yes, yes, yes. I did have to be responsible for my Mum and Dad because they didn't have a good relationship and avoided each other a lot, so if something was wrong with one of them I had to make it right. If my Mum fell my Dad would walk past her. My Mum came to me when she was upset rather than going to my Dad.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life while minimising or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations that things will eventually go seriously wrong or that aspects of one's life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, individuals with this schema are frequently characterised by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision.
Bah. What did I just say up there: "The world IS dangerous, things do go wrong and keep going wrong even when they are right."
Punitiveness
The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one's expectations or standards. Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathise with feelings.
It's alright for other people to make mistakes but not me. Of course I deserve to be punished because I am one big mistake.
(I'm really worried about being left alone with all of this through the holidays.)
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
We didn't go over anything at my last appointment because my OCD has been pretty extreme so we were concentrating on that. My psychologist said that by continuing with schema therapy it will help me to see where my OCD stems from. My obsessions are about harm coming to my family and I can already see through these schema why I would be vulnerable to worries like that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
