"As long as you get your own way" a thought, a memory, running through my brain.
"You're just crying to get your own way. Don't you emotionally blackmail me" swishing, rushing, swirling around, suffocating me. Stopping me. Holding my still with fear when all I want is to reach out...
"You're not the only pebble on this beach young lady" no, but I'm so selfish. Must constantly be reminded. Must constantly remind myself. Don't be selfish. Don't be selfish. Don't be selfish.
For all the reminders, like a constant mantra drumming in my ears, I still am. Hold me. Love me. Help me. Me me ME!
My sincerest apologies. It seems I have done it yet again.
Me me me. How can I punish me for this self centered act.
With nothing more then self inflicted cruelty.
I'm sorry I am such a bad person.
All alone. My whole world, is just me.
If this is what I wanted so badly. If all I wanted was me myself and I, then why does this ache so much?
Do me a favor. BE selfish. For once stop worrying that you're a bad person, adn that you may have hurt us or done something wrong. and Worry about YOU! Put YOU first. Please?
*cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Who told you that huni? I'm guessing it was something you were told that your brain has got a hold of and keeps playing it round and round in your head.
Well, I'm going to tell you right now.
It is not true
No matter what that part of yourself, I'm guessing that memory, may tell you, you are not selfish. You do not emotionally blackmail people.
Can you maybe try countering it with a positive thought?
"I am a caring person"
"I always try to help others"
"I need to take some time for myself and to care for myself"
"I am loved"
"I am a good person"
I'm sure other people can help think of more.
Take care, and don't listen to those thoughts huni.
*holds you close and strokes your hair to make the thoughts go away*
Ruthie
xxxxxx
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Sweetie those folks don't know what they are talking about, really.
*looks for them so she can give 'em a good talking to... or a beating, lol*
Besides as everyone else seems to have said... sometimes a person needs to be 'selfish' (though really I would not term it that), needs to look out for their own well being, their own interests. Do it, hun. You probably need it, especially if this is all bothering you so much.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I understand. I get told all the time that i'm an attention seeker and that i was a horrible child. and 99% of the time i'm right up there with them attacking myself. but still... 1% of the time i'm like... hey. just becaseu you're my parents doesn't mean you know me the best. you don't know me at all.
And your mum sounds pretty wrapped up in herself and the queen of the guilt trip! *cuddles you tightly*
you SHOULD be selfish. you need to think of yourself for once! If you really were selfish, you wouldn't give a toss what someone else thought. You wouldn't apologise for being a 'bad person'. You wouldn't take time to help your friends. You wouldn't do anything! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
'fraid you're wrong there sweetie, I do understand. My dad was both physically and verbally abusive when I was a kid (and can still be now). My 'favorite' memory is when he yelled 'F**K You!' at me... I was... 15? 16? I was told all the time as a kid what a pain I was, how awful I was, how bad I was. And like Jess I do it to myself... But intellectually I know that is not true, for me, you, jess, or anyone. Now head and heart knowledge are two different things and I know it is a hard thing to believe at least by how you feel... but it really is true.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I now have 0 parents in my life. That's what I always wanted, right?
Actually, no, all I ever wanted, all I ever ached for, was to be loved. I used to panic and hurt over the fact that "if my own father couldn't love me, who could" Then I was shown love by someone very special, and that thought disappeared. He's gone now though.
Just like everyone will eventually. Ah, there it is. Those long standing abandonment issues. I was working on them, getting passed them, up until Mother did this. She is tainting what should be the most exciting event of my life. How DARE she try and ruin this for me, after everything I have been through. How dare she make it all about her. SHE didn't go through all the crap. SHE wasn't the one that found her boyfriends corpse. How ****ing dare she do this to me. She's breaking my heart and she doesn't even care.
This girl has never needed her daddy. I'm going to prove I don't need my mummy either.
I can't even tell her I have cut over all of this because that would just be me guilt tripping her again.
*sigh* the sooner I am away, the better. I just can't take it anymore.
I don't know you overly well yet, but I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think sometimes people through the "you're being selfish" taunt at people who are struggling and suffering, because they either don't know how or don't want to help them.
I also think that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies in believing these lies. I know I have too.
But it's important to take care of yourself too!! You are important and you deserve to be taken care of and to receive and to give love.
**Big Bear Hugs**
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
<3 you're not selfish sweetheart.
i know how you feel when you get told something so many times you start to believe it but its not true.
take care? <3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I think your mother is jealous.
I think shes always found some comfort in knowing you too felt like **** and you were just stumbling thriugh like she has done all her life. I think you taking a stand, getting a great job, making a life and doing something most people only dream of has brought all of her own incompetance right slap bang into her face.
I know she loves you. Ill never forget the letter she wrote after Williams death. however this is not her passport to treating you like ****.
If you dont take a stand and stand up for what you think is right then she will never learn and you wont benefit her at all, as well as damaging yourself.
If you go back to her and forgive her and make it all out that she was right and vindicated she will have learned nothing. She is licking her wounds, but sometimes a kick in the ass is the best kind of treatment we can get. It takes time to recover but it can be far more productive than the softly fluffy bows and ribbons approach.
Tell her you love her. But tell her she has hurt you and its going to take you time to forgive her. Then tell her that the ball is in her court. Leave it open for her to appologise to you, for her to make the effort. and then perhaps you can reconcile.
Making a stand, making tough decisions that people may not like DOES NOT MEAN they will stop loving you or abandon you. It means they will learn and you will learn that you cant be walked over for the rest of your life.
You are infectious and lovely. People will adore you. But you gotta stop pushing them away, taking all the **** they throw at you and stand up.
its too hard. i cant do it. im not strong enough by myself. its breaking my heart.
on one hand im aching over this. its so painful, and i really do feel like im losing the only parent i have ever known.
the other hand, im so angry and what she is doing to me. i sit back and think about what i am, and what she has done to me. im so angry that she is trying to taint this amazing thing for me. when i need her support the most, shes not there.
i really want to start a new chapter. get away somewhere new. allow myself to grow and blossom and experience and feel something amazing. i really wanted to prove to myself how strong and capable i really am. i just want to open my wings and fly.
but i know that no matter where i go, this will be weighing me down. she made me feel miserable about me going. she made me feel like i was doing this purely to spite her. to hurt her. to get away from her.
she made it like that. i never wanted to leave her, now i cant wait to be free of her.
i hope, i really hope, that somewhere down the track i can find this erin that you guys talk about. she must be there somewhere. i just, dont see her.
You have people here that care about you. I have never spoken to you before but I, like everyone else here am taking the time to let you know that you are a good person and are NOT selfish or horrible.
I think your mother is a horrible evil person, who could say those things to their own child that loves them so much? Please listen to all those who responded to your post, especially Matthew, Ruthie and Jess. What you have been through is emotional blackmail. She sounds so malicious and so spiteful and it seems like she hasn't really got to know you at all. She has been an inconsiderate cow and is wrapped up in her own selfish world. You are better than this, you don't deserve that kind of bullshit.
Please don't hurt yourself anymore, physically or emotionally because of what that selfish pig has done. If you ever want to talk I'm only a PM away. I'm always here for you Erin just like I am for anyone who wants to talk, I will always listen.
Nathan xxoo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
I'm having a really hard time. I can't relax. I'm so stressed and worried. I haven't slept properly in a month so I'm exhausted.
I'm having a really really difficult time with feeling accepted. I can't shake these negative feelings. Thoughts that people don't like me, that people are just criticising me, that no one cares about me. I know all this is playing up because of the stress, but it's stopping me from getting involved. It's making me irrational and edgy.
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have read and taken it all on board, and it's stored away in the still rational and logical part of my brain. That part, however, is being over shadowed by the paranoid and irrational part at the moment.
.gif "rose")
