Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Help! Emotional abuse?

Lou_Pie · 24-11-2008, 11:24 PM

There is the possibility that this is going to be a long post, so if you do get through it then thanks for reading.

Two years ago I was in a sexually abusive relationship. I never left him until he broke up with me. I didn't realise at the time that it was abusive. Since then I've wondered if it was actually abusive or if I was just claiming/thinking that it was so that I didn't hold myself responsible for the relationship not working out. I have a lot of denial about whether it happened or not.

This year I met a new guy. Yay! I was so happy, and he seemed so perfect. We got on well. But I started noticing worrying things. Like an intense level of commitment early on, heavy demands on my time and so on. Then I noticed he'd get angry really, really, quickly. He threatened to break up with me a few times. He punched walls, binge smoked, gave me the silent treatment. One day he ignored my calls for the entire day (I thought he was ill) and lied about why he had done so. Another he tried to get me to leave his house, then changed his mind later. He critcised things that I like, influenced how I looked and little things that I did (like watching a certain television programme). He insulted my friends and family. He would get so angry at me for getting jealous about other girls or my eating disorder that I would feel completely responsible for everything. I feel like I'm tiptoeing around doing the right thing. He told me that he only gets angry with me because his love for me is so strong. I self-harmedon Friday for the first time in over two years. This weekend he walked out of my brother's birthday party because of something I said and then ignored me until the next day, when he started verbally attacking me again. He swears at me. I finally snapped and walked out of the house, after which he broke the bannister on his stairs in anger.

He later said that he thought that it was normal for couples to swear at one another (I never swear at him) and get angry sometimes. He checked with his best friend to see if it was, but missed my point that I felt that I didn't deserve it.

Anyway. I'm still with him. I can't work out what is going on here. When I wrote down his behaviours up there I tried to be objective but I'm probably biased. I feel I cause this. I feel that maybe because of the previous abusive relationship I'm stuck saying that my boyfriend is abusing me because it's easier than admitting that I messed another one up. I don't want to break up with him because when he's being nice we're so good together. After this weekend I asked him to go to counselling for anger management, and I really, really, hope he goes.

Am I overreacting? Am I playing the victim? I don't even know why I'm posting here. He asked me not to talk to my friends about are arguments because they're not 'us' and don't get it, so I'm trying this instead.

noangelic · 25-11-2008, 12:24 AM

Firstly, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. its such an awful situation to be in. but you're in NO way over reacting about this.

I have been in a relationship very similar to the one youre describing & know how difficult it is especially if you love that person. && I can tell you for a fact that there are SOO many people out there who are experiencing the same situation. you are never alone.

this may sound too simple but write out a pro & con list && go through each thing you have written down && ask yourself would he be able to change in a fixed period of time. If the answer is no i think you know yourself what to do..... If you feel he might be able to change his ways then definately try seeing a councillor or seek anger management.

You are not playing the victim here. & you definately shouldnt be blamed for anything that he is doing to you. Or what youre ex has done to you. But please dont make the mistake of it going too far...

I'm here if you ever need to talk, PM me any time :]

Hope everything works out for the best & stay safe :]

good luck :]

áine xx

crazy/beautiful · 25-11-2008, 12:30 AM

You are not overreacting hun, if it matters to you then it matters. You cant vent out here anytime, we are all here for you. He sounds like he is being a bit controlling, the not wanting you to talk to your friends about arguements things i disagree with, u need someone to vent to outside of your relationship, its unhealthy otherwise and will cause more trouble inth elong run because you are keeping it all in.

you shouldnt be in a relationship where you feel like youre being abused. its a horrible thing. get it out of your head and vent it to us.

im sorry i cant be very helpful but im here if you want to pm me

hope you are ok, keep safe xxxx

Lou_Pie · 25-11-2008, 10:52 AM

Thank you so much!

I'm going to do the pro and con list when I get some time. I think he does seem to be serious about changing now, but I will be cautious. You're right that I don't want this to get worse or end up stuck.

Sigma · 26-11-2008, 01:30 PM

I agree with what's been said - and 'getting angry because I love you' is a classic abusive ploy. If he's prepared to work on it, and you feel you can cope, then do... but keep yourself safe first of all. And 'checking in' with people who care about you is a good way of doing that.