I have been cutting a great deal lately...so deeply, that I have had to go to the Emergency Room, which I hate. I try to take care of cuts myself, but they have just been too large and too deep as of this past month.
After being sewn up by the nurse, I am asked by the emergency room conselor, "Was this a sucide attempt?"
I always say that it is not an attempt....but....that's a lie. It is. It is, and the worse part is I know that it will just keep happening, and unless I succeed I will just keep lying to stay out of the hospital.
There are plenty of times that I cut just to have relief, but lately...I cut just to end it all. I either want to die, or keep trying...but I refuse to go to the hospital. I went a few times last year...and I do NOT want to go ever again. I missed a year of school due to being hospitalized (Although it was only for a week at a time, my parents believed I needed a year off to focus solely on recovery...I tried so hard, but it didn't work. I did the therapy, took the meds, exersied, met new people, tried to keep a good sleep schedule, eat right, tried to be proactive.)
I hate the hospital! It is so scary! I can't miss school...I simply can't. It probably makes no sense, saying how much college means to me yet often I just want to die.
I am probably one of the biggest hypocrites ever. I run a site that supports people with borderline personality disorder, such as myself. I help people who feel that they simply cannot go on with their lives. I have straight A's in college. I do volunteer work, and I know that there are so many people so worse off than myself.
I can't shake this aweful feeling of wanting to die. I keep attempting, although no one knows it, and everyone that knows me thinks I am just being careless with my self harming behaviors.
I am lost, and I hate myself for it. I am a horrible person for having these sort of thoughts. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I need to get some sort of help, but I really don't want the answer to be hospitalization. What can I do?
