I need some support i dunno what anyone can do to make this any better but....here goes.... I made a promise to a girl i love to peaces, i looked her in the eyes and actually promised her i will never leave her i will never try to comite suicide again i meant every word to her...i did....cause i love her......she says she loves me too not sure she means in the same way i love her though and i darent ask......It;s one of those things i kinda just wanna be blind to, if i don't know then i can keep dreaming and not let the idea of me and her go i'm not ready to hear her say "I didn't mean it in that way i meant is a friend" i'm just not ready for it.....I need to hold onto some hope of us being together. She's gone home now and i miss her so much i cried when she left me at the station cause i'm gonna miss her so so much. i got home and lay in my bed and looked aroundmy room to find she was no longer hereand i just cried wishing she was there so i could cuddle her again. We kissed and cuddled while she was here...and today...her ex has gone home from uni he's going back tomorrow but i'm feeling so insecure.....it's not that i don't trust her...maybe i don't...well actually it's him i don't trust...He's manipulated her so well she knows it but everytime she sees him she feels she owes him something and what she feels she owes him is sex basicly she told me last night that she wasn't completley straight with me when she last saw him she did stuff....to him...I cried and felt physically sick at the thought i'm shivering at the thought now....But we were not together so it's not like she cheated on me is it? but why lie?
What if he tries it on with her again? I mean she stays over at his house when he's home form uni...they sleep in the same bed..........a part of me trusts her since she said she loves me but...a part of me is just so insecure.....See this girl has an illness like me her ex is now her only friend that lives anywhere near her so she feels she needs to see him cuz he's a friend now but he seems to expect much more than that and seems to only want to see her for one thing and only one thing and it seems like thats all that is in his mind and she's vulnerable and i'm a transexual i'm not like most boys he has everything a man should have i don't
a real man or me? which would she choose?
when she's around i feel so happy and my smile is real. I looked at photos of the two us and there is even a glimpse of happiness in my eyes and hope i've never seen that in me before.....Never ever......but now....the sadness is back cause i know she's with him and i'm scared...and i don't wanna lose her......questions are going round my head "Why couldn't i have been born a real man" "Whats he thinking? what's he doing?"
I can't walk so i can't just walk to the bus stop go to the train station and walk up anytime i like....
I dunno what i want from posting this...hell i don't even know the point in this...this should possibly be in rant iu'm not so sure...as i don't see how anyone can really reply to this....
are my feelings understandable? Or am i being a complete paranoid idiot and showing signs of becoming the kinda man i hate that controls the girl he loves? that texts her every second asking "What are you doing?" I don't text her all the time like that though.....can't say i haven't thought about it but i refrain from doing so knowing i need to put some trust in her and honestly a part of me does trust her it's him i don't trust he does something to her.....we;ve had arguments about her ex many a time, am i horrible a person? I don't think she fully understands how much this hurts me.....i'm such a horrible person!
I can't lose her, i just can't
To make it clear things have been going on with me and her...so it's not like she's just afriend i have fallen in love with who ges to see her ex and i'm broken hearted. Things have actually happened between us and we have talked about going out but as usual her ex always gets in the way of it there are other issues such as parents i mean her parents find out i'm a transexual don't think they'd be too happy and as for my parents well..they'r enever happy with me anyway...so i;m not sure i care about what my parents think..
but here is the thing.....I've spent i dunno how long now but i've spent so long now with bad things happening to me a massive part of me is thinking this is all a dream.....I've got so used to all bad stuff happening that now this good thing i dunno it feels like well i guess ii'm kinda starting to feel insecure about it. like "it probably won't last long. I'll do something wrong and it'll all go wrong" "is she just choosing me cause of my history of suicidal tendencies and attempts? does she just not wanna be the person to blame if i did something like that?" It's hard to believe someone would choose me 
I've spent so long under a rain cloud it would seem that now anything goo dthat happens is too good to be true. I've had little glimpses of good things over the past few years even small little things but they've never lasted....One last for about a week at the longest