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Hate, such a weak word
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Newcastle. Uk
I am currently:  
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Triggering (SI) - Support needed :(
Ok, i dont use RYL much anymore, but i need all the useful help i can get atm. I suffer from hypochondria, and 'suffer' really is a tiny word for how this illness effects me. It eats away at me, i never stop thinking something is wrong with me, im constantly depressed because i think i have a life-threatening illness. It all started when i was 15, i was diagnosed with 'deep vein thrombosis' and i didnt go to the doctors for 5 weeks, i believed it was a pulled muscle and i knew best, well obviously i was wrong. Since then every little thing i think is cancer ... i mean everything. I have an ache or a headache, tired or whatever and i think its the worst possible scenario. Today i got a job and i even booked myself in to a psychiratrists, but i feel no better. I seen the doctor last week and he checked my heart rate, blood pressure, shined a light into my eyes, then checked my lungs, and he said there is nothing wrong with me, just a bug thats going around. But my problem is ... being a hypochondria i find it very hard to trust doctors, my usual doctor has been on holiday so i have been seeing another doctor, and in my mind i dont trust him at all, but i cant keep feeling like i do. So ... Im going to this same doctor tomorrow, with the same symptoms plus more and im so petrified im gunna be tested for something, and equally petrified that i wont be. I have the most amazing girlfriend, she's my dream come true and much more, and im fine when im with her, but im not with her atm because of work etc, and its tough, im depressed about it, and i read hypochondia is 50 % depression. I cant lose the depression till january, and im just so scared something is wrong with me, ive been here so many times before, thinking something is wrong, diagnosing myself. Im so scared that im going to lose the people close to me, my family have put up with my pathetic illness for 3 - 4 years, becca has heard nothing but hypochondria for 3 weeks. If i lose her, im nothing, i need help and i dont think therapy will help. Im just facing a wall atm, and my hypochondria comes and goes, but this is the worst it has been for over a year and i dont see an end in sight, i really dont. Its 5 weeks till i can be with becca, that is no time at all, but im so scared something is wrong. I find hypchondria is very uncommon and there is so little treatment for it, and i never see people on RYL talking about it. I have a friend who is a doctor and she says i have flu symptoms, the doctor said its nothing serious, my family and becca say its nothing, why cant i just accept they are correct? My problem is i used to type symptoms into google and the answers which came up was scary and i still remember the answers, so right now i have .... headache and my head feels really heavy, im really sore all over, my legs are a bit tingly, it hurts to breath in sometimes, my eyes keep twitching now and then, i feel sick, my stool has had a little bit of blood in it and also been black 2 days this week, my nose is all stuffy and i feel so weak, and if i sleep 4 hours or 13 hours i feel equally as tired. To me, thats symptoms of very serious illnesses :( Im told these symptoms are flu and maybe dietry, i also get travel sick so when im feeling ill in the car that could be why, but my mind just thinks the worst every single time. I feel so alone because no-one talks about hypochondria and i always feel like some loner, loser freak who is pathetic :(. I could write 100 times what ive just wrote but i'll probably be boring everyone, if you have read this far thankyou, and any advice would be greatly apprieciated. Sorry for posting such a big thread.
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