Triggering (Suicide) - Goddamn.

JoanGreenwood · 02-07-2007, 05:35 PM

I...I don't know where to begin, really.

All the other times I've considered...doing it...it's always been pills.

I experimented last night, with ........ (edited - hints at SI method)

It's like I've hit a halt in my life. Although everyone says I'm getting better and stuff, I still feel as bad as ever.

I've considered everything, the reaction, all of that. I want them angry, I want them tortured. I just want to say to them 'Look what you made me do!'.

Gah...

Too Shy · 02-07-2007, 07:41 PM

I'm sorry you're finding life so tough at the moment. Don't worry about not knowing where to begin - just write whatever feels right, and keep asking for support. :)

Are you getting any professional help at the moment? I hope you're feeling a bit better than you did when you 'experimented' last night - that really wouldn't help, and it's really not a good idea.

I can't really say anything useful, just please try and stay safe, and talk to someone if you feel like harming yourself. Stay strong, and keep fighting. xx

atropine · 02-07-2007, 07:53 PM

*hugs* i know its difficult to deal with these feelings. im sorry to hear your feeling like youve hit a halt, but maybe this couls be a turning point - perhaps tell friends or family how your feeling, they would want to know, rather than think that your "getting better".
perhaps when youve thought of how they would feel, they would feel sad, and the fall out of ending it would be so determintal and awful - no-one would want you to do it or to think your feeling so low. i know its difficult, but theres other options! please stay safe - you know theres always so many of us here you can talk to - just pm me if you need anything!

Stellata · 03-07-2007, 09:47 AM

It sounds like you're feeling pretty angry right now. Your thoughts are torturing you. And you feel unheard and not understood.
That's a hard place to be in.

But your life has worth, and your feelings matter.
Its important to communicate your feelings clearly using words. Not violent actions upon yourself.
Start by talking here. Tell us how it really is. We'll listen. We care.

JoanGreenwood · 03-07-2007, 11:27 AM

I've got a counselor but it doesn't really help. It used to but not anymore. I'm supposed to be on Prozac but I haven't had my prescription in a couple of weeks because I write better when I don't take them.

I can't talk to anyone, they think me weird as it is and it's hard. I mean, all the people in my school are convinced due to a lousy poem I wrote that I am gonna go in there and do a Virginia Tech on them.

Not that I haven't thought about it but I prefer having the thoughts to myself.

So...yeah.

Eir · 03-07-2007, 01:18 PM

hun i know what its like to not be able to write beause of the drugs they put you on. maybe ask your doctor for a different prescription. writing is a big part of my life and it took a couple of different drugs and combinations to make sure i still could. avoid chloropromazine(SP?) tho. it turns everyone into a zombie. it should be a last resort, but prozac is an anti depressant, right? so i doubt they would prescribe an anti psychotic, but on the off chance i thought i'd warn you.
if writings a big part of your life you should consider it. obviously, the lack of prozac isnt working, and maybe the prozac did work but to sacrifice your writing is a big deal. so try getting a different prescription and hings might seem brighter.
take care
Annie

Stellata · 03-07-2007, 02:11 PM

What used to help in counselling? Do you have an idea of what it is that is making it not help any more? What do you want out of counselling?

Your peers at school... will hopefully learn that just because you've written something to vent some feelings, doesn't mean you would act on those feelings.

And I agree with Ktanaya about the meds.