Finally. After five years of not dating anyone, hating everyone, feeling like **** after a disgustingly abusive relationship followed by a cheating one...I found a nice guy that I can tolerate. Yay. But now he's just as bad. and it's not like it's his fault.
I can't figure out for the life of me how to predict whether or not my lifestyle, mostly my past lifestyle i guess, is okay with someone. Like, how do I even initiate it? Hello, I'm D'Arcy, I know i look pretty normal but I used to do a ton of drugs, I have violent mood swings and am oh occasionally suicidal, and oh i'm a cutter too. Welcome to my baggage!
I didn't really say any of these things. I vaguely mentioned (with the help of a lot of beer and a mouthy friend of mine) some drug use from last year and that I had a "wild past". ha! He very nearly freaked out. Great. Now what. What happens when he finds out what I'm really like? My friend agrees that I'm too crazy for him. I am. But wtf? How the hell am I supposed to find someone decent? What to you guys do? Many of you are in relationships that at least are honest, right? God, I do not want to go through this **** again. So stupid. Started cutting a bit again just because of all of this confusion it's just too much.
As much as it sucks its a hell of a lot more convenient to be all dark and isolated cause I don't have to feel obliged to tell anyone anything. But then I'll just bitch and moan cause I don't have a boyfriend. :) Sigh.
Sorry to take up so much space, I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to go back to being depressed...it was such a long time living with that track playing through my head "you stupid bitch you're not good enough to live you're fat and disgusting and worthless everyone hates you when they smile they're really thinking bad things about you you need to bleed you need to drink you've disappointed everyone and youre not even good enough to deserve death". Ah, memories.
Sorry.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
sorry i dont really have any answers. supose it depends on how long you've been dating him as to how open and honest to be with.
hugs
The glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time you fall. (chinese proverb)
We can cure physical disease with medicine but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love.(mother teresa)
i told my partner of nine years everything about my past before i met him as i met him in a chat room nine years ago he knew i had suffered from depression,been in a violent seven year marriage,had taken far to many drugs as a teenager and never since had had a rotten childhood with my mother and her many husbands he even knew i had two kids however this never stopped him from coming to meet me in person and we now have for kids and dispite the fact that i now have fibromyalgia and have also be told i have bpd he is still with me what i am trying to say is if you meet the right person nothing you have done or not done or may do matters if someone love you they love all of you warts and all
the right person will take you and your baggage and think it is the best thing in the world. they will see that you are a strong person because of all you have been through and where you have gotten to. as for bringing the things up i think it comes out naturally in the course of a relationship. i still find things out about my bf's past and we have been together for almost 10 years. and i would assume after being in destructive relationships it is hard to figure out who to trust with your feelings. work on that. i decided to tell people things that didn't bother me that much and were not super close to my heart and see how they reacted. that way i could gauge how they would handle the big stuff. i did that with my bf now and it was a good idea. things came out gradually. if i said everything in one lump i think he would have ran away screaming. i think you will find the right person at the right time. just don't rush it. (((hugs)))
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Well, I had a talk with him. Most of it had to do with him not getting why i don't like to "talk". I guess I didn't realize how much of a wall I've put up over the years...I just get so uncomfortable talking about ****...nervous habits like constantly tapping my collar bone (wtf??). Its nice to know that there are relationships out there that don't require telling everything upfront. I feel like a newborn in this though. So many times has trusting people backfired on me. They always turn it into their problem, or something I'm doing to them. The guilt is unbearable. I don't want to hurt anyone!!!! So I want to tell them what they're getting into dating/befriending/knowing me. This is probably the issue :s.
Thanks for the advice, I'm glad someone reads the crap I spill out in these forums :)
xoxoxo
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
I told my partner everything straight up before we started dating. Becasue the way I saw it, we could go somewhere and I didn't want to have that break my heart if he found out stuff later. But look! We're getting married in 15 days!
Good luck with everything honey :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Oh gosh, isn't this the spot we all never want to be in? *hugs* I was upfront with a guy I was dating about my depression and my meds (left out the suicidal ideation and the cutting)... and we split shortly after that. I don't think that is how it is always. I just think this guy couldna't handle it and I suppose that's OK. I do sometimes wonder if ANYONE will be able to handle it. *shrug*
Good luck sweetie, love you.
*massive hugs*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Maybe you need to meet someone whose more open minded to the fact that people can change and that mental illness and self harm does not make you evil or a bad person and does not identify who you are as a person. I know that won't be easy, sometimes I feel that the only people who understand are my wife and the members of this website. I told my wife when we started dating that I was taking medication for depression. She was very understanding of that because she had been prescribed meds too but never took them. I never had a "wild" past though, but I was in relationships with women who have been really malicious and hurtful to me. But in my case, the MI and S/H and suicide attempts gotten worse since I have married. I was taken off all medication for almost 2 years not long after my wife and I got together. It really got bad from about 2005 onwards. I don't think emotional problems should influence the way a person feels about you if they are really worth being with as long as those problems are not taken out on or blamed on the other person, which is exactly what happened to me in a past relationship. I know it's very hard to find someone when you're self esteem and self image aren't very good but once you do get into a relationship you must be careful not to think that they don't love you or have an ulterior motive in being with you (ie. financial or sexual reasons) as this will give them the impression that you don't love/trust them.
I hope this makes sense.
Nathan
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
