Sorry for the multitude of threads. I wouldn't make them if I didn't need them. Also sorry for being a whiney git and not supporting anyone. I dont' expect anyoen to reply to this. Why would you?
I'm really not coping. Really not. Self harm is getting worse and worse. I've put it off for 3 days because I know that when I finally do it it can be really bad. Normally they're no more than scratches, unless I really try. Go hell for leather. Over and over and over again.
I actually can't wait.
My head is so foggy. Feels so heavy. I have to go and do some promo work now so I don't drown completely, yet drowning is so tempting. I want to be released from all this. I want to forget pain, and suffering.
Yet, if there is a heaven and a hell, surely I am going to hell. I'm dirty. Used. Vile and disgusting. It's like a putrid stench that no matter how hard I wash I cannot get rid of. It clings to me, so that everybody can see too. How I long for an escape. To end it all.
Yet, I am too weak. To weak to rid myself of my own suffering and torment, for fear it will be worse. I think I've been watching too much "Angel".
I suppose I should hide the next bit, or else a mod will come do it for me. It's funny really, I never realised that the little bits of what happened to me were that bad, 'til they got edited.
Every time I close my eyes I see him there. Staring down at me, grinning. Slapped around the face. Held by my hair. Yet I do not know if it's real or not. If it happened or if it's my brain going crazy. The things I do know are real are things I wish wern't.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic sexual abuse, i guess
I shut my eyes and he's there. Forcing objects into me. Making my ass bleed with the force that he ****s it with the wand thing. By now I know not to cry, not to shout out. He can make it worse. Better to wait for the blood to come, because at least that lubricates it. Makes it easier.
I can't help it and I cry. So he rams it really hard. So hard I feel winded.
And then he ****s me.
Day after day after day. Re-living it. Re-feeling it.
You don't deserve the pain you're feeling, now. You are a good person - a loving, kind, fantastic person (who -sidenote- would go to heaven and party up there with God himself discussing the magic of flaps....!)
But Chels - you don't deserve what you're going through, you're not horrible, not vile, but what is happening is. But it's not you, not your fault, not you.
I'm so, so terrible with words right now but my darling Chelsea, I love you with all of my heart, and as you are someone who means the world to me I feel so touched to have you on this earth. Your presence -even online!- makes me smile. So as hard as what you're going through is , you're not alone, but I'm not letting go.
I love you.
& you mean more to me than you realise.
Please let me know if I can do anything [you have my email.]
Do something nice for yourself. Be gentle to you, today. Take time out to enjoy something - anything. You deserve that.
What you've been through is one of the worst things that a human being can experience! When we are violated like that we feel like the dirtiest, disgusting lowlifes on the planet BUT GUESS WHAT WE'RE NOT, THE ONLY GUILTY PARTIES ARE THE EVIL VISCIOUS SCUM THAT DID THAT 2 US!
They are not people, they are sad, vile insignificant creatures who aren't worth our thoughts BECAUSE I TELL YOU HERE AND NOW WE'RE A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THEM AND THEY AINT EVEN FIT TOO LICK THE MUCK OF OUR BOOTS!
Everytime you do a piece of good work on here, everytime you support someone, everytime you make someone who is feeling low laugh, you are sticking your middle finger up at that scum and you are winning! In fact every day u get through you are winning.
Despite all you've been through, look at how loved you are on this site and how respected you are, AND THIS IS DESPITE EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH!
You have got the personality and the wherewithall to get through this and you will, and remember every day you are winning, every single solitary day!
You take care and you know where i am if you need to talk,
You're not dirty or vile at ALL, though I know what it feels like to feel used and re-living it everyday. I'm crappy with words as well at the moment, but I love you so goddamn much and I wanted you to know that. I would personally remove a very vital part of that guy if ever I had the chance for what he did to you. You're amazing and strong and brave and Chels<3
You are by no means weak, I know I've already told you that you're an inspiration to me from your strength and I can pretty much bet you are to other people too. As Craig said - every moment you're still here you are showing him who is the weak pathetic coward. That's him and not you.
*puts some cuddles and love and strength in a jar and gives*
I was out doing promo work today. It was **** - cold and wet and rainy and outside for 4 hours to end up earning about 80p. Whoop for 100% commissioned based work.
Come back and my flat mates are watching a film, and have used my VGA cable to link their laptop to the big TV in the lounge.
They went into my room and borrowed my cable; which means moving loads of expensive stuff and fiddling around with my table and unplugged it from my laptop and TV.
I have my ****ing forms I have to fill in for the rape place on my bed. I have ****ing razor blades everywhere.
It's a complete and utter invasion on my privacy.
I get home, they tell me they borrowed it and I'm like "oh, okay, right" - they can tell I'm pissed off. Then I say that I actually need it back because I do to write some stuff for the eZine. I get asked "why?".
I shouldn't have to tell you why I need my bloody ****ing cable. It is mine. I paid for that with my own ****ing money. Go get your own ****ing one.
So now I'm sitting in my room with the door locked flashbacking, too scared to go downstairs.
You don't deserve the pain you're feeling, now. You are a good person - a loving, kind, fantastic person (who -sidenote- would go to heaven and party up there with God himself discussing the magic of flaps....!)
But Chels - you don't deserve what you're going through, you're not horrible, not vile, but what is happening is. But it's not you, not your fault, not you.
I'm so, so terrible with words right now but my darling Chelsea, I love you with all of my heart, and as you are someone who means the world to me I feel so touched to have you on this earth. Your presence -even online!- makes me smile. So as hard as what you're going through is , you're not alone, but I'm not letting go.
I love you.
& you mean more to me than you realise.
Please let me know if I can do anything [you have my email.]
Do something nice for yourself. Be gentle to you, today. Take time out to enjoy something - anything. You deserve that.
xxx
Quote:
Originally Posted by DUNFERMLINEBOY
Chels hun,
What you've been through is one of the worst things that a human being can experience! When we are violated like that we feel like the dirtiest, disgusting lowlifes on the planet BUT GUESS WHAT WE'RE NOT, THE ONLY GUILTY PARTIES ARE THE EVIL VISCIOUS SCUM THAT DID THAT 2 US!
They are not people, they are sad, vile insignificant creatures who aren't worth our thoughts BECAUSE I TELL YOU HERE AND NOW WE'RE A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THEM AND THEY AINT EVEN FIT TOO LICK THE MUCK OF OUR BOOTS!
Everytime you do a piece of good work on here, everytime you support someone, everytime you make someone who is feeling low laugh, you are sticking your middle finger up at that scum and you are winning! In fact every day u get through you are winning.
Despite all you've been through, look at how loved you are on this site and how respected you are, AND THIS IS DESPITE EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH!
You have got the personality and the wherewithall to get through this and you will, and remember every day you are winning, every single solitary day!
You take care and you know where i am if you need to talk,
Craig x
Quote:
Originally Posted by Euphoria Blossom
Nuh. Nuh. Nuh nuh nuh.
Chels1<3
You're not dirty or vile at ALL, though I know what it feels like to feel used and re-living it everyday. I'm crappy with words as well at the moment, but I love you so goddamn much and I wanted you to know that. I would personally remove a very vital part of that guy if ever I had the chance for what he did to you. You're amazing and strong and brave and Chels<3
You are by no means weak, I know I've already told you that you're an inspiration to me from your strength and I can pretty much bet you are to other people too. As Craig said - every moment you're still here you are showing him who is the weak pathetic coward. That's him and not you.
*puts some cuddles and love and strength in a jar and gives*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
You aren't vile and disgusting at all. You've had a lot of awful stuff happen to you, but that's no reflection on you as a person. And as for being too weak to kill yourself, that doesn't make you weak at all. You are incredibly strong for having made it this far, for coping as well as you have done. Not everyone could.
And it sounds like your flatmates are just the last straw, it's completely insensitive. I'm also fairly certain that if you are renting just the room it's against the contract. I've had conflicts with my flatmates before and it's awful not feeling welcome in your own house. Hopefully they will have the decency to apologise and then things should improve.
I wish I had something more constructive and helpful to say. But I'm here if you ever need to talk. Keep fighting
xxx
I came back to tell you I love you, Chels. To tell you I'm listening to a beautiful song and it reminds me of you, with a relaxing calm flute behind the voice, so that if I listen closely I can hear every detail, every piece of emotion. To tell you that it reminds me of you, because, it has a stunning beauty that is so unqiue to it. I can listen to every other song on the CD but I only want this one on repeat. Like I can talk to hundreds of people but the only one I really want to talk to - is you.
I came to tell you I will be beside you the whole way through this. Right until we're together and one of us falls drunkenly off a bar-stool, and then right on after that. That even when you're sitting in your room, you're not actually alone, because I am thinking of you. I am sending you love and strength, in the best way I know I can.
How often during the day I want to text you and tell you all the intricate things that are happening during my day, how you've become that friend I want to tell everything too, even if it's just how much I love this CD, how nervous I am about something, or how I've been waiting to get my flaps checked for agessss in a waiting room.
And I know, the actual world that goes on around you is pretty shitty right now. People don't treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and that makes me sad. If I had that chance, that experience, the ability to be living with you I would do with it what it asks - love, laugh, live. Clearly the people around you don't understand their priviledge to have you in their home. But one day, Chelsea, you will find that someone who deserves you, and you can move on with them into the next stage.
But, for now, I guess it's about taking things step by step. You know how to deal with what is going on, a horrible reality for you, but you've got to do all you can to keep yourself alive. Please, don't give in to the horrible thoughts about you. They're just not true.
I love you. I wish I could write forever and tell you how much you mean to me but, I shant. You're a good friend, a good person, a brilliant person. Talk to me if there is any - single - thing I can do. Even if it's just an e-hug.
*huggles*.
It was not your fault. It really wasn't.
You are an amazing person, you do so much for everyone else and you deserve to be happy. I suck with words, but I really really really wanted to leave you a reply because you are not grossanddisgustingandvile, you are amazing and shiny and bright and a complete inspiration to everyone.
I really don't know what else to say apart from to reitterate what everyone else has said.
Please please take care, you can do this and get better. You're doing amazingly well by getting the forms, and I know you can do this.
It is usual to diagnose someone after an hour and a half long appointment? [Which was supposed to be 45 minutes, but he cancelled/delayed the person after me to give him longer with me...].
Am going on quetiapine [seroquil].
Refered for DBT. Both group and individual.
He wanted to refer me for CBT but the waiting lists are a lot longer and I could be waiting a year instead of a month.
I feel, I dunno. I expected something to change. If only the belief that I'm not making this up. But nothing has.
Nothing happens instantly honey. It will take time and therapy to make it happen. But it WILL happen. He didn't send you home. He spent more time with you then scheduled (the marking of a GOOD psych) and he is referring you to therapy that (from what i know of it) will be really good for you. *cuddles* i love you sweetheart
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I actually think that your psych was really kind to give you double the time as you do need all the help and support you can get.
I was also diagnosed in one session that I had bi-polar so its not an unusual thing to happen. Im also on quetiapine for it and I find it helpful so its worth a try
Give your therapy a chance and you may find that is what helps you change
*hugs*
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
